Trashy Celebs

So we’re always wondering what our dog Muriel is thinking. Sure we occasionally let her lose on Trashy Celebs but it’s usually to comment on animal related issues like the Michael Vick Trial or The Westminster Dog show. Today was a slow news day at least in terms of celebs doing nasty, nasty things (at least by our standards) so we decided to prob Muriel’s past. First we sat her down to her favorite meal of Basil spice thai chicken and a bottle of Jameson whiskey and went ahead with our prob.

Trashy Celebs: So Muriel, we know you come from a farm in Virginia but we really don’t know a whole lot about your past.

Muriel: I AM IN FACT FROM A FARM IN VIRGINIA BUT MY FAMILY ROOTS GO MUCH DEEPER THAN A MODEST AGRICULTURAL BACK GROUND.

TC: Really, we always assumed your mom and dad both enjoyed a fragrant feast of kitty turds.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IN FACT MY GREAT, GREAT GRANDMOTHER ENJOYED QUITE A TURN AS A HOLLYWOOD LEADING LADY.

TC: Oh Muriel, I’m not so sure we believe you on that one. I think you’re just trying to get a heaping mound of Snasauges.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE OWNER AMY. HERE I HAVE FOUND A YOUTUBE CLIP OF GREAT GRANDMA THE PUG MURGATROYD (AKA QUEENIE) IN HER FIRST STARING ROLE. AND DONUT JUDGE ME. GREAT GRANDMA MURGATROYD DID FALL VICTIM TO THE HOLLYWOOD CASTING COUCH.

TC: Ok, let’s take a look

TC: Ok, wow that is disturbing.

Muriel: YES SHE COULD PUT IT AWAY WITH THE BEST OF THEM. FUNNY STORY, IN THE END SHE MARRIED THAT LUSH BULLDOG PASSED OUT IN THE PLAID CAP.

TC: Dammit! I knew you weren’t a purebred. No wonder you were cheap.

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

So, yeah, it must really suck to be the sibling of somebody famous. I mean in some cases they might give you jobs and stuff but in some cases they just leave you to ROT IN JAIL just because you made a little mistake and fired four shots at your live-in boyfriend at 4AM on morning.

WAHLBERGS’ SISTER STILL WAITING FOR BROTHERS TO BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL

The sister of Hollywood stars Mark and Donnie Wahlberg is in jail on gun charges after firing four shots at her boyfriend - and claims her wealthy siblings have ignored her pleas to help her make bail.

“I cry myself to sleep every night thinking, ‘How can my brothers let me rot here in jail?’” Florida waitress Michealle Wahlberg, 46, told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview.

“They’re millionaires who could free me in an instant, but all I’ve heard is silence.”

Michealle admits she beat a crack addiction nine years ago, but insists she was only drinking wine before she allegedly fired four bullets from a .45 Glock pistol at her live-in boyfriend, construction superintendent Lonnie Johnson, at 4 a.m. on April 13.

While she claims she never intended to hit Lonnie, a Melbourne, Fla., Police Department report obtained by The ENQUIRER tells a different story.

“The defendant intentionally and unlawfully threatened [Lonnie] by retrieving a handgun from the house… and pointed it at [him],” Officer Nicholas Faria wrote in the report.

I can’t believe the insensitivity of Donnie and Mark Wahlberg who won’t even bail their drunk-ass sister out of jail for shooting at her boyfriend four times. C’mon guys! She never meant for those bullets to hit him! And she is totally off the crack and just drinks wine now! What a couple of hard-asses.

I do think Sister Wahlberg is wrong about one thing though. There is no way Donnie Wahlberg has “millions of dollars,” because if he did there is no way he would be doing this punk-ass New Kids on the Block reunion tour. That sounds like his own personal jail to me. What do you want to bet that Marky Mark doesn’t return his calls either?

Sister Wahlberg should totally call up Billy Baldwin, Eric Roberts, and Rebbie Jackson. They could start their own support group or something: Siblings of Rich Ass Famous People Who Won’t Return Our Calls.

Mark Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg, New Kids on the Block

Last night in Hollywood a bunch of people who I don’t care about went to a bar I never heard of and were apparently seen being cool. Oh and Kanye West was there, I’ve heard of him. West was at a place called Goa last night at the afer party celebrating his Glow in the Dark tour. Absolut 100 sponsored the party. Hey I drink that, well not the 100 but I do drink Absolut Vanilla, it’s tasty with ginger ale.

Anyway attending the party were some people who are on the Hills, Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner (I think that show is on MTV). Along for the ride were former Laguna Beach alums Kristin Cavallari and Jason Wahler (I just read that I have no idea who they are and I think Laguna Beach was the theme of my high school prom. Pikesville Class of ‘92 Shout Out!)

Oh and ubiquitous Paris Hilton was there but she attended the opening of our cat’s new litter box so that doesn’t surprise me. Anyway of all the images I found from this event (and there were many) this was the most dochey. Here we see Benji Madden and Paris Hilton, I guess they’re dating or something.

What makes this extra douche-tastic is the fact that there’s not one, not two, not three but five photos of him pointing at her like this. I would post them all but I’m too lazy, trust me on this.

Oh and I did find someone I recognized. Scott Porter was also there. He’s on Friday Night Lights and that show is pretty damn good. Although he still looks like he’s dropping some major D-Bag vibe in this shot.

Must be the fact that he got too close to Wilmer Valderrama.

DDDOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHEEEE!

Dude, if there ever was a top ten list of signs you were no longer “Gangsta” this would be number one. Apparently last weekend, P. Diddy slashed his foot on a champagne glass during an after party at his Star Island mansion while splish-splashing around his pool at 6 a.m. If anything is going to squash rumors that he killed 2Pac a lame ass injury like this would be it.

It was first reported that Diddmeister received 40 stitches at the hospital (but it was actually only five playa!). However the minor P-Don’ty was not without its casualties. Because of his boo-boo, Diddy missed Russell Simmons’ Art for Life event. This had party-goers straight trippin’ thinking he just dissed the event completely. But everyone cooled out when Diddy sent Russell over a videotaped message in his place. But even without D-bag the event went on and raised thousands and thousands of dollars. Holla!

So America’s Sweetheart has a naughty side as well. Hilary Duff, star of the TV series Lizzie McGuire and singer whose songs I have to listen to whenever my nieces are in the car was spotted partying it up in a New York nightclub recently. Her boyfriend, hockey player Mike Comrie, was the lucky recipient of what have been described as “raunchy lap dances.”

She must have been drunk when she picked that outfit.

Actress Hilary Duff, 20 reportedly gave her boyfriend a lap dance - after she was seen drinking champagne and partying at New York hotspot Tenjune until 2.30am with ice hockey player Mike Comrie and a group of pals.

A source told the New York Daily News: “Hilary looked nothing like the sweet little ‘Lizzie Maguire’ she once was as she treated Mike to a series of raunchy lap dances.

“She was having a wild night, drinking Veuve Clicquot straight out of the bottle.”

But Hilary reportedly went all embarrassed when the DJ played her new song ‘Wake Up’ - and immediately stopped dancing.

The actress-and-singer was later helped out of the club by her friends.

Luckily, Duff was able to avoid a run-in with celebrity stalker Ms. Gravity who was seen exiting a cab just outside the club only moments after Duff’s friends drug her into a cab (making her sit next to the open window and holding her hair back as they drove away.) “I ain’t here to ’cause no trouble tonight,” Ms. Gravity was heard saying. “All those little Hollywood singer-actor-clothing designers are safe tonight. I’m just here to meet this new hot guy I met on J-Date, uh huh!”

People magazine is reporting that Heidi Fleiss was arrested for DUI and for drug possession. What a fall from power? In the 1990s she was known as the Hollywood Madam, catering to the sexual proclivities and perversions of the stars and now she’s been arrested in Pahrump, Nevada for drunk driving and having pills without a perscription. Lame! I mean, even when she was arrested in 1997 and served time for tax evasion, she still had a reputation for being cool and glamorous and all that jazz. She was a madam, but of course she didn’t deal with “hookers” but with “escorts.” That’s just so much, cleaner isn’t it? But despite the notariety she obtained at the time of her arrest and after writing a book, Fleiss still seems pretty troubled — drunk driving and drug possession. Seems like she’s headed back for the big house. Maybe she just needs material for another book.

Heidi Fleiss Arrested on Drug Charges

Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss was arrested in Nevada on Thursday for investigation of driving under the influence and possessing drugs without a prescription.

Fleiss, 42, was released on $1,300 bail following her morning arrest near her home in Pahrump, police say.

Nye County, Nev., deputies responded to a DUI call and contacted the onetime madam – who now runs a laundry – at 9:23 a.m.

“During the investigation she was found to have prescription narcotics on her person, not in a prescription bottle, and could produce no evidence that the prescription pain medication had been prescribed to her,” police said in a press release. “She was arrested and transported to [jail].”

A male passenger in her car, identified as John Owen, 53, was also arrested for possession of marijuana and being under the influence.

What I didn’t know until recently, however, is that Fleiss opened a laundromat near Pahrump, NV called “Dirty Laundry,” which: hahahahahahahahaha! Good one, Heidi. Obvious, but still a good one. I also wasn’t aware that she had or has plans to open a legal brothel (go with what you know) in Nevada called “Heidi Fleiss’ Stud Farm.” I’m not sure if this is the same brothel she planned to open that is an exact replica of the White House. Either way, very funny, and I love the joking, lighthearted approach she has taken with her past legal troubles. That’s what makes this latest arrest so hard to understand …. if you can make fun of what may have been a huge embarrassment to most people (and still manage to make money from it) then why do you end up drinking and drugging and driving? I don’t get it.

Heidi Fleiss, Hollywood Madam, Dirty Laundry

Okay, so I will admit it, I am a fan of the A&E show Intervention which offers a up-close-and-personal view of an addict and how his or her addiction affects not only his or her own life, but that of his or her family and friends as well. It’s an interesting show and has offered be a little glimpse and a little bit of insight to a side of life I have never experienced. And sometimes, I admit, I am a huge asshole and I will sit and drink a beer or two while I watch. Yes, I am heartless. Shut up. I don’t care. You don’t know my life!

Anywhoodle, I think even I won’t be sinking so low as to watch Celebrity Rehab on VH-1. Granted, I have not seen an episode yet, but I somehow doubt that VH-1 is going to treat the subject with the same sensitivity, lack of interference, and sympathetic-yet-detached view that A&E seems to.

Here’s a description from the VH-1 website:

“Celebrity Rehab” is the first television series to chronicle the dramatic, unscripted real life experiences of a group
of actual celebrities as they make the life-changing decision to enter themselves into a drug, alcohol and addiction
treatment program with the sincere desire to achieve true rehabilitation and recovery.

This compelling true account of addiction, healing, and redemption is being supervised with great compassion and
insight by renowned addiction and recovery expert Dr. Drew Pinsky, Medical Director of the Department of Chemical Dependency Services at Southern California’s Las Encinas Hospital, and host of the long-running radio and television advice series LOVELINE”.

This kinda makes me loose some respect for Dr. Drew (what I had left to lose after realizing how many years he spent working with Adam Corolla). I mean, I’ve listened to him on Loveline and such and thought he seemed more like a caring physician and less like a fame-whore, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have seen this coming back when he turned up on an episode of Celebrity Fit Club to help “counsel” Jeff Conaway after a drug overdose. Uh, yeah. In fact, Jeff Conaway is one of the celebrities appearing on Celebrity Rehab. I wonder if that episode of Fit Club is what prompted this whole idea anyway? Jeez, I hope they haven’t kept Conaway waiting for help all this time.

Other, uh, celebrities appearing on the show are Jaimee Foxxworth (from Family Matters, Shifty Binzer from one-hit wonder Crazytown, Ricco Rodriguez (who?), Daniel Baldwin(!) because every VH-1 reality show deserves a Baldwin, Brigitte Nielson (who clearly needs another VH-1 reality show), Chyna, and porn-star Mary Carey.

Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Fit Club, Dr. Drew, Adam Carolla, Jeff Conaway, Jaimee Foxxworth, Shifty Binzer, Crazytown, Ricco Rodriguez, Daniel Baldwin, Brigitte Nielsen, Chyna, Mary Carey, VH-1

Amy Winehouse hasn’t been on her A game recently after the whole wonky drug incidents and crappy concert antics, but now she could have PETA after her bony ass. The troubled Rehab singer has been accused of killing a poor little furry hamster. Peter Pepper, from band Palladium (nope, never heard of them either but we still get excited about Bananarama), says he found his beloved hamster Georgie Porgie dead after he had been drinking with Amy at his girlfriend’s party in North London last year.

“Georgie was a birthday present and we’d got him out to play with in the morning. I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry,” he told The Mirror. “The next thing I know, it bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it. I was a bit suspicious when she said she was good with hamsters.”

“I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back Amy said she’d put it to bed and it was sleeping,” he explained. “But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard. I don’t know what she did to it - it was probably crack!”

But apparently Pepper has never confronted Wino about the slaughter.

“I’ve never directly accused her of killing my hamster as I’m too scared. She can be quite fierce,” he said. “That day last year was quite traumatic. Not only did I have to deal with a dead hamster, but for some reason Amy had also managed to unplug the freezer and flooded the whole kitchen and utility room. She can be a bit mental sometimes.”

Ohh, not too good for Winehouse. Maybe she was hoping Mr. Pepper’s hamster would have a little dancing time with her a’la the old hamster dance website. Speaking of hamster dance, that’s just the best stuff. We love mildly irritating internet songs. Like the peanut butter jelly song and Badger, Badger, Badger. Good times, good times my friends. But anyway, RIP Georgie and remember if Amy Winehouse offers to pet sit, just say No.

Amy Winehouse, Peter Pepper, PETA, Palladium

Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested Sunday afternoon at the Dublin, Ireland, airport, facing charges of public drunkenness and breach of the peace as he tried to get on a plane to England. The purty actor, who was admitted to a California alcoholism-treatment clinic in April (checking out a month later), was in Dublin to promote his new film August Rush.

Twice police confronted the 30-year-old Irish thespian over his “erratic, abusive” behavior at an airport gate and at a desk of the British airline. After not shutting his puss and refusing to calm the freak down, the airport police then called Ireland’s national police force, the Garda Siochana.

Police charged Rhys Meyers with two counts of violating the Public Order Act, then permitted him to pay an undisclosed cash bail on condition he return to Dublin District Court on Dec. 5 for his arraignment.

“I gave up drinking a few years ago, and this is the first time I’ve spent time in my country trying not to drink,” Rhys Meyers said in an October 2006 interview. “I would never drink again. It is hard to avoid. But listen, you do what you want to do. I don’t want to do that. I want my career, and you can’t really do that and be successful on the screen.”

Well maybe not on the screen, but saying one thing and doing the other will make you pretty darn successful on blogs like this one. We’ll always be there for you to call you out on your own bullshit and laugh when it happens again in a month or so.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, August Rush, Dublin, Ireland

Star magazine has something, um, juicy? No? Maybe, uh, dampish? In-need-of-some-basting-gossip? Or is it dry-as-an-overcooked-turkey gossip? You decide.

Rebecca De Mornay Busted For DUI
Risky Business star Rebecca De Mornay was arrested on Oct. 30 by Beverly Hills police. TMZ reports that the cops pulled over De Mornay for an unknown traffic violation and they “immediately detected an odor of alcoholic beverages.” De Mornay then failed several field sobriety tests, police say, and her blood alcohol level was .09. She was taken into custody, cited and released.

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US Magazine is reporting that Shia LaBeouf and his weird facial hair were arrested this weekend in a Chicago Walgreens store:

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for trespassing early Sunday morning after refusing to leave a Walgreens pharmacy near downtown Chicago.

The actor, 21, reportedly ignored repeated requests from a security guard to leave the store and was taken to the city’s Near North police district around 2:25 a.m. (The guard also filed a complaint against the actor.)

“While he was in custody, Mr. LaBeouf was very courteous and polite,” a police spokesperson tells Us.

A source tells Us that LaBeouf was partying with friends at Chicago hot spot The Underground shortly before his arrest.

LaBeouf — who was cited on a misdemeanor count of trespassing — posted bail at about 7 a.m.

He is due in court November 28.

The question that we have here at the Trash Talkin’ Rodeo is this: just what in the world was so important at this Walgreens that made LaBeouf refused to leave the store? Just what made him channel his role in the upcoming Indiana Jones movie and get all stubborn and tough and brave and foolish in suburban drugstore? We have some theories:

1. He was there trying to buy the discount Halloween candy. (Everyone loves cheap candy.)
2. He was trying to find the proper razor to shave that sad excuse for a mustache he’s been sporting lately.
3. He heard that Disturbia finally made it to the discount bin and he wanted to get started on his holiday shopping early.
4. Two words: eyebrow wax.
5. He was just trying to buy some damn cold medicine.
6. He wanted to buy some PeptoBismo because he ate a bad hot dog and didn’t want to LaBarf in the limo.
7. He was looking for the latest issues of In Style, Tiger Beat and the Oprah Magazine.
8. He met some hot ladies and needed breath mints and Axe body spray.
9. LaBeouf was completing some late-night research for a new part as a security guard in the upcoming Michael Bay produced docudrama - Walgreens Life Behind the Blue Vest.
10. He was looking for anyone who would listen to his rant about how Zac Effron is the poor-man’s Shia LaBeouf.

Of course, we all know that what really happened is that he got drunk with his buddies and wandered into the first place they saw that was open, not another bar, and potentially had drunk food for the beer munchies. Next time, Shia, get a driver and make him drive through Taco Bell.

Shia LaBeouf, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Walgreens, Axe Body Spray, Zac Effron, Taco Bell

There’s not a whole lot going on in the world of celebdom this week, but at least it’s Halloween time so somebody will get freaky, freaky. To start off with, it was nice to see not everyone had to flaunt their sex appeal with a costume. The lovely Jennifer Garner sent a shout-out to Deer Park Middle School alum, Michelle Hoffman with this inspired ensemble.

While partying at LAX, Paris Hilton learned the definition of irony and treated it as if it were in that Alanis Morissette song.

Adam Levine is no Brad Pitt. The Maroon 5 frontman took a trip back to 1999 at his Bacardi sponsored party and had to go around explaining to everyone who he was. (Tyler Durden from Fight Club but he looks more like that crazy guy who tries to sell me candy near the I-44 off ramp).

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I am sure that you all are simply stunned to hear about yet another brush with violence and idiocy Kid Rock had this past weekend, this time at an Atlanta, GA Waffle House. Yes, a Waffle House. I don’t know what I can write about this that makes it more embarrassing or ridiculous than it already is. I mean, really, a brawl at a Waffle House? That is almost as embarrassing as a brawl with Tommy Lee at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) — Kid Rock was arrested early Sunday after a brawl at a restaurant and spent about 12 hours in jail before being released, police said.

Kid Rock and his entourage were involved in a brawl at an Atlanta restaurant early Sunday morning.

The musician stopped at the Waffle House restaurant shortly after 5 a.m. after his performance at The Tabernacle in Atlanta, authorities said.

“He and five members of his entourage were involved in a fight with a male customer inside the Waffle House,” said Mekka Parish, a spokeswoman for the DeKalb County Police Department.

The customer recognized a female with Kid Rock’s party and exchanged words with her, Parish said.

“It escalated to a physical altercation between Kid Rock and that male customer and moved outside to the parking lot,” she said. At some point the customer punched out a restaurant window, she said. Kid Rock left in his tour bus and was stopped by police about a mile from the restaurant, Parish said. The musician and five members of his entourage were taken into custody on a misdemeanor charge of simple battery.

The other customer was charged with criminal damage to property, a felony, Parish said. Kid Rock was released from the county jail on bond about 5 p.m. A telephone message left with Kid Rock’s publicist was not immediately returned.

Now, I know I live a very, very, very different lifestyle that rock and roll “stars” like Mr. Kid Rock. At 5:15 A.M., when he is apparently just getting around to having dinner, I am soundly sleeping, unless my cats are making some sort of unreasonable demand. I do not have an entourage, unless you count said cats and a small dog following me around at dinner time. I wash my hair occasionally. I do not wear wifebeaters unless it is to sleep in. And I was never married to Pamela Anderson, not even for 20 minutes in Vegas. But even though Mr. Rock and I are about the same age (shut up) I have to say, I feel much, much older than him.

But really, can I say that I might not have done the same thing? I do not know! Perhaps if I made a late night/early morning trip for some burgers and fries or chicken and waffles or scattered and smothered potatoes (yuummmm!) and someone insulted my female companion, I might start a brawl as well. That is, I might if I had an entourage to back me up, a big cushy tour bus to make my escape, and oh, yeah, number one album to promote. Rock N Roll Jesus, Kid Rock? Whatever.

Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Waffle House, Tommy Lee, MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock brawl Waffle House

Sure famous people are used to having their pictures taken. But outside of red carpet moments, TMZ and rehab exits they tend to let their guard down. They should know that there will always be a schmo with a digital camera, cell phone or amazing watercolor skills there to capture all the fun stuff they might forget. Take Hugh Grant for example. The man was simply hanging out with a gaggle of St Andrews University freshman girls. Eating some pizza, drinkin’ a little Boone’s Farm or whatever freshman in Scotland drink, getting some underage lap dances, etc. But lo and behold, there’s an American in the mix who just happens to be on facebook and who also happens to like to post pictures on facebook. Opps.

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