Trashy Celebs

Justin Timberlake just wants you all to get drunk and buy more copies of his CDs. Or downloads. Do people by CDs anymore? Just me? Whatever. Justin wants you to get drunky and listen to his music and dance up a storm to “Sexyback” and “Summer Love” if you are in a good mood or cry and drunk dial your ex while you listen to “Cry Me A River” or “What Goes Around ….” How do I know all that? Well because Justin is launching a new tequila brand, called 901.

Why 901? Why not? People magazine reports that part of the thought behind 901 is that it is apparently the magical time when your evening ends, but your night begins. For boring folks like me, 9:01 is when I am deciding to watch one more DVR’d episode of The United States of Tara and having a snack pack of chocolate pudding before going to bed. 901 is also the area code for Memphis, Timberlake’s hometown.

Super-interesting to me? (Not really. Not really interesting to anyone, I imagine, but I am going to point it out anyway.) Timberlake sort of names his new bottle of hooch after his beloved hometown, but it won’t even be available to former-boyband-lovin’ fans there for awhile. The new tequila will hit shelves in New York, LA, Vegas and St. Louis later this spring. Hey, maybe we will pick up a bottle and try it out in some margaritas so we can give you all a review. We can go from the Trash Talkers to the Trash-ed Talkers. Waa waaaa waaaaaaa.

If you know anything about the Trash Talkers you know a) we love to refer to ourselves in the third person and b) we love our country (we just think a lot of her citizens are complete flippin’ idiots). Luckily we don’t encounter many of these morons, with the exception of some family members, but the internets are great for spotting people with opinions of the wrongest kind.

President Obama took in a B-Ball game in DC last week. The reports weren’t about how we have a cool, laid-back pres who chats with and gives high-fives to people watching the game but criticism over this image of Obama enjoying a cold one.

One caller to WWL In New Orleans complained, “People are losing 5, 10, 20 thousand dollars a day in the stock market, and he’s sitting there drinking a beer!” She also said, “It’s insulting… there’s a lot of people suffering.” She insisted President Obama should not publicly have fun during a time of so much pain.

Rule #1 of a recession: No one can have any fun of any kind ever.

Another woman was upset about the courtside presidential beer. “The president is the president 24 hours a day. I don’t think he should drink on the job.”

Really? The man is going to be pres for at least four years. Does that mean he can’t sleep on the job, poo on the job and have relations with the first lady on the job? Whatever people, the days of prohibition and alcoholic presidents are way over. Let the man enjoy a nine dollar bud light like the rest of us.

Charles Barkley is going to jail! Are you stunned? I am not stunned. And it was for a truly stupid reason. I mean, anyone arrested for DUI is stupid. No, anyone driving under the influence is stupid, even if they don’t get caught. But not only was Mr. Barkley stupid for driving drunk, he was driving drunk for a dumb-ass reason: he was in a hurry to get a blow job. A blow job! Mr. Barkley, you are not a virginal 15-year-old boy! There is no reason to be so desperate!

And I am guessing after all this stupidity, Mr. Barkley ended up at home alone and unsatisfied that night. Smarten up, Mr. Barkley! You can only ride on your athletic fame so long, and then you are just another overweight washed up sports star who did something truly dumb and ended up in jail.

Traveling is hard y’all! It makes all of us cranky and frustrated, even in the best of circumstances! It’s crowded and people try to bring too much crap onto the plane, and even after all these years of the “no liquids” rule, there is always some dumbass trying to bring in a big ole bottle of water or can of gasoline or something.

So really, we should all be more sympathetic of poor Lindsay Lohan and her trials and tribulations when traveling. Who amongst us hasn’t wanted to pitch a fit when there were just no more seats in first class? Our asses are too precious for coach class! The airline finally understood how they were in the wrong for selling that seat to, ou know, some regular person who happened to buy tickets ahead of time. Probably got to the airport early, checked their bags, had only one small carry-on bag, and didn’t pitch a hissy fit like a damn baby when things didn’t go exactly their way. But you know, I am just speculating here.

For some reason, this counts as exciting news on the Fox News website. Fall Out Boy’s bassist and husband, baby daddy, and weird-baby-name-chooser Pete Wentz mentioned in an interview with Blender magazine that he “pops Ambien like Skittles” and that he can take three Xanax without even feeling it. Sorry, Pete, Amy Winehouse is totally not impressed.

Sure, Mr. Ashlee Simpson is tired and isn’t getting much sleep. He’s a new father! People with babies don’t get sleep! I have several friends with babies and they aren’t getting any sleep! I don’t know why Pete thinks he should be able to pop some Ambien or Xanax and sleep through the night. I’m sure Ashlee is up with little Bronx most nights, so Pete should be taking his turn too. And what sort of rock star can’t pop a few pills here and there “without feeling it.” C’mon, Pete, you’re going to have to do better than that to impress me.

And isn’t that just a little weird? It’s a little weird for me, anyway. I mean, my mom has heard of Jackass and knows my fondness for the show and the movies (and I believe my sister and I have shown her a clip or two) but I’m doubtful that she knows who Steve-O is, as his segments are the type that I generally would filter out. I mean, he has been know to perform some of the stranger/more disturbing stunts on the show, that frequently involve poo or vomit. And I would never, ever expose Amy’s grandma to a show like Jackass because she is a very sweet and respectable lady, and she likes me and I don’t want that to change.

So why are they going to know who Steve-O is? Well the rumor floating about lately is that Steve-O has made a verbal commitment to appear on Dancing With the Stars, a show that both my mom and Amy’s grandma are known to be fond of. In fact, my sister has had to remind me on more than one occasion not to call my mom on Monday nights and interrupt her watching the show. And now I have no way of timing things just right to call her and interrupt the show so she won’t witness him snorting wasabe and vomiting into his plate or stapling his own scrotum to his thigh. ABC, what in the world are you thinking? Do you even have insurance to cover this?

Oh David Hasselhoff! You scamp! Selling pictures of yourself on the internet! And sure, I know most celebrities have some version of that somewhere, but you are a step ahead of them all! You are selling HOLIDAY THEMED pictures of yourself on the internet. Genius! Who cares that your career is in the toilet and that more people know you from that youtube video of you drunkenly eating a hamburger than from your triumphant role on the seminal 80s television show Knight Rider. (And it must be killing you that you haven’t been invited back for the far inferior current version of the show.)

But wait, upon closer inspection I see that these are NOT holiday themed pictures! They are regular pictures surrounded by holiday themed advertising! David Hasselhoff, why you trying to play me? Sure that one picture of you in that fur-like king’s cape sort of looks Santa like, but that was just a coincidence. You couldn’t take a couple of new pictures to see for the holidays? Maybe wearing a nice sweater carving a turkey? Or wearing a yarmulke and lighting the menorah? Or an actual Santa suit? I gotta tell you, Hoff, I feel ripped off.

I only wish I had kids who could idolize and imitate her!

Elton John and Lily Allen Clash at Awards Show

A visibly tipsy Lily Allen got into a profanity-laced verbal spat with Elton John onstage as the two hosted the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London Tuesday night.

As Allen introduced a segment as a “very special point in the evening,” according to the The Times of London, John questioned: “What, you are going to have another drink?”

In front of an audience that included Gordon Ramsay, producer Mark Ronson (brother of Samantha) and London mayor Boris Johnson, the 23-year-old pop star shot back, “F— off Elton, I’m 40 years younger than you. I have my whole life ahead of me.” To which the 61-year-old John replied, “I could still snort you under the table.”

Allen followed the exchange with a crude ad lib when 82-year-old Tony Bennett was presented with the night’s Inspiration Award. As John introduced Bennett, pointing out his age, Allen broke in, declaring: “I’ll still [have sex with] him.”

Carrie Underwood: Tony Romo Still Calls Me

For a 25-year-old singer in the spotlight, Carrie Underwood has had her share of guy drama.

The American Idol winner opens up in Allure’s September issue about dating Dallas Cowboys player Tony Romo, Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford and a boyfriend who cheated on her in college.

“We were both small-town people doing very big things, and we relied on each other, dealing with fame,” she says of Romo. “I don’t know. The phone will ring and it’ll be him, and I’ll maybe not answer.”

Well, well, WELL. Tony is still calling his ex. I wonder what one Miss Jessica Simpson thinks of that. I wonder what HER FATHER thinks of that. Actually, I don’t really wonder, because I realized that I don’t really care all that much. Any why does Allure magazine care? Why is this even a part of an interview? Oh, who am I kidding, of course I care. I write a celebrity gossip blog, for goodness sake.

So apparently Tony calls up Carrie sometimes. I wonder if it’s drunk dialing? Because while I can see Carrie spilling the deets about the calls, I think she is classy enough to not mention that he is totally wasted and crying about how the Cowboys hate him for bringing Jessica to games causing them to lose or how Jessica’s dad is pressuring him to sign a record contract. I bet he cries a lot. He knows he is going to get his ass kicked every weekend this football season and he’s decided if he can just get Carrie back as his good luck charm, everything will be okay. And she won’t even answer the phone. So so sad.

In other news, I will NOT be betting on Dallas this season and I will encourage Amy not to pick Romo for her fantasy team. Just saying’.

Shia LaBeouf pulled a big LaOpps when he rolled his car in Hollywood in the wee-hours of Sunday morn, injuring himself and a couple other people. A spokesperson for the L.A.P.D. says it was clear to officers who responded to the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated, and he was subsequently arrested. but amazingly enough, will not be booked on felony DUI charges (although he’ll be cited on suspicion of DUI whatever that means).

Seriously? One Trashy Celebs writer lost control of her car last month and crashed into a guard rail and still had to go to court for damaging city property. No one was injured, minus the front part of a jeep and there was no drinking involved. We think this is LaRidiculous that Shia isn’t still in the drunk tank awaiting charges. How many more times does he have to be arrested before he’s tossed in rehab? Chicks have it so much harder. It seems like Lindsay Lohan can slip on a grape at Whole Foods and then be arrested for drunken disorderly conduct but I’ll be the LaBeouf will pull something like this a few more times before anyone even suggests he has a problem. But I digress.

In other news that is probably a week old, we saw Mama Mia yesterday and boy does Pierce Bronson’s voice stink. Take a listen for yourself.

In the theater we were in, the whole place started cracking up every time Remington Steele busted out a tune. Yikes! Despite his rusty pipes, we really liked the campy cheese that was Mama Mia. Meryl Streep is amazing in everything and it looked like she was having a blast during the whole thing.

So Susan Olsen, who apparently is never, ever, ever, ever going to be allowed to let go of her past as a Brady, did a radio interview recently on KDZA-FM in Colorado Springs. From the clip below it seems like questions she’s probably answered thousands of times before — really not that interesting. But as the interview goes on she starts to look a little rough, and not just from the boring-ass interview. It seems like she went out the night before and got shit-faced, which is all well and good, except now she is about to hork all over the microphone. Add to this the fact that she seems to have her KID with her. Wrongness!

Can you really blame her for tying one on? She is still Cindy Brady. She will always be Cindy Brady. I think we should all be glad that she’s not out robbing Hollywood Video stores for meth money. Am I right or am I right?

Cindy Brady, Susan Olsen, Brady Bunch, hangovers

Yeah, we watched some of the Tony awards, mostly on fast forward speed three on the DVR. There were some lackluster performances from the 20 millionth revival of Grease, a reunion of the original cast of Rent and a weird Sunday’s in the Park with George performance where the lead seemed to be wearing jeans and pumas with his turn of the century jacket. But what really stopped our thumb in its tracks was seeing Liza Minnelli come out on stage. Take a look.

Yeah, so, so, SO many things going on here. So here they are the top five things that disturb us about this image.

5) The dress (suit) makes her look like a villain in the new Batman movie

4) Did she get a leg transplant cause them things is free of the varicose veinage

3) She’s so drunk she’s sober

2) Her homage to Luciano Pavarotti by wearing one of his old jackets as a dress

And the number one thing that disturbs us about this image is…

1) Old Lady Bra!

May 12, 2008 — YOU’D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. “They had a full-blown fight,” said our spy. “Evan Ross, Diana’s son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears.” Lohan, who has been accused of stealing clothes lately, just recorded a song in which the lyrics go: “You got a problem with it? If I want it, I get it now.”

What I dig about these crazy ass Lesbian Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson drama stories is that they are generally about the drama and not about the “Is she gay? Is she not gay?” aspect of the story. Because who gives a flyin’ flip who she’s sleeping with? We just want to hear about these meltdowns in nightclubs in West Hollywood (or New York or Los Angeles or Chicago or flipping Sioux Falls, SD [shout-out, KFK!]). Celebrities having a few too many drinks and picking fights with significant others. These are the stories that the internet was made for!

I do have to say though, that like most celebrity couples frequently mentioned in gossip tidbits involving late nights at bars, late night trips to Taco Bell, and late night car accidents or DUI incidents, these two as a couple creep me out a bit. There is a picture floating around that I refuse to reprint here where Samantha Ronson has a big gross ugly hickey on her neck, and of course everyone wants to know if Lindsay Lohan put it there. I just want to know why Lindsay Lohan (whether she is Ronson’s girlfriend or girlfriend) never taught her to put some ice and then some cover-up on that thing. Show some class, Ronson!

Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson

So we’re always wondering what our dog Muriel is thinking. Sure we occasionally let her lose on Trashy Celebs but it’s usually to comment on animal related issues like the Michael Vick Trial or The Westminster Dog show. Today was a slow news day at least in terms of celebs doing nasty, nasty things (at least by our standards) so we decided to prob Muriel’s past. First we sat her down to her favorite meal of Basil spice thai chicken and a bottle of Jameson whiskey and went ahead with our prob.

Trashy Celebs: So Muriel, we know you come from a farm in Virginia but we really don’t know a whole lot about your past.

Muriel: I AM IN FACT FROM A FARM IN VIRGINIA BUT MY FAMILY ROOTS GO MUCH DEEPER THAN A MODEST AGRICULTURAL BACK GROUND.

TC: Really, we always assumed your mom and dad both enjoyed a fragrant feast of kitty turds.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IN FACT MY GREAT, GREAT GRANDMOTHER ENJOYED QUITE A TURN AS A HOLLYWOOD LEADING LADY.

TC: Oh Muriel, I’m not so sure we believe you on that one. I think you’re just trying to get a heaping mound of Snasauges.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE OWNER AMY. HERE I HAVE FOUND A YOUTUBE CLIP OF GREAT GRANDMA THE PUG MURGATROYD (AKA QUEENIE) IN HER FIRST STARING ROLE. AND DONUT JUDGE ME. GREAT GRANDMA MURGATROYD DID FALL VICTIM TO THE HOLLYWOOD CASTING COUCH.

TC: Ok, let’s take a look

TC: Ok, wow that is disturbing.

Muriel: YES SHE COULD PUT IT AWAY WITH THE BEST OF THEM. FUNNY STORY, IN THE END SHE MARRIED THAT LUSH BULLDOG PASSED OUT IN THE PLAID CAP.

TC: Dammit! I knew you weren’t a purebred. No wonder you were cheap.

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.