Trashy Celebs

Unless you’ve been living on an Amish dairy farm for the past week, you’ve been bombarded by news of Don Imus and his hugely douchetastic comment about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team.

The leathery radio-host referred to the final-four champion team as “nappy-headed hoes,�? along with a bevy of other offensive things. This started a frenzy of media coverage, which led to the firing of Imus from CBS yesterday.

All week long, many groups had been calling for Imus to be fired including the Revered Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but inspiring words from Snoop Dogg made to MTV News may have been what did it.

“Kick him off the air forever,�? said Snoop who then pontificated on the difference between Imus’ racist comments and the misogynist lyrics that permeate hip-hop.

“It’s a completely different scenario. (Rappers) are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hoes that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we are in the same league as him.”

Inspired by Snoop’s comments and events of the past week, Jesse Jackson plans on apologizing to Woody Allen for 1984’s “Hymietown�? remark.

Don Imus, Snoop Dogg, CBS, MTV, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Woody Allen

So, get this one., John Travolta has been saying that Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith. The hell? Why is the Travolta suddenly weighing in on this one? He was in one movie with the woman and suddenly he knows that his particular brand of crazy would have saved her life? It’s not even known yet what caused her death! And not to speak ill of the dead, but I think Anna Nicole would have just politely declined, pointing out that she had plenty of crazy to spare, thank you very much. And it’s not like anyone witnessed the Travolta or any other dianetics crazies lining up to help her when, you know, she was actually still alive and could actually still be helped. Dipshits.

(I would like to point out that also featured in the above movie were The Rock and Fred Freakin’ Durst, but I don’t see The Travolta offering to use Scientology to prevent them from making any more shitty movies or recording any more shitty songs.)

Now here is when the bedwetting liberal in me points out that people have the right to believe whatever they believe and to practice whatever religion is right for them. But what chaps my buttocks is when people use their religion to pay a lot of lip service to how it could “help” other people — people they don’t even know — with their problems. Scientology? More like Doucheotology. Shut up, Vinnie Barbarino.

Rachael Ray waxed her entire body in New York this week. Well actually just her likeness at the world-renown Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Times Square. The ubiquitous Ray was on hand to reveal her slightly less puffy doppelganger.

Much to everyone’s surprise, her waxy half suddenly came to life and began whipping up a meal of turkey meatloaf with twice baked potatoes in under 30 minutes. “Ha! You guys didn’t think I could keep doing all my shows and run a magazine did ya,�? chirped the perky Ray. “Surprise, I made a deal with the devil and now I can be two places at once.�?

But like all deals done with the dark prince, this one too headed south pretty quickly. “I am so E.V.O.O. over this,�? exclaimed Ray-Ray2 as it dumped a creamy dessert of pudding and Oreo cookie crumble on Ray-Ray1. “Smell ya later hot potata!�? Screeched the spawn of Satan. It then jetted off but not before stopping to ask a local where a hot place to go for happy hour was. Ray-Ray2 was last seen heading towards the Applebee’s on W.42st Street with a half price appetizer coupon in hand.

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So these days former pro basketball all-star Tim Hardaway just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper into a bigoted, homophobic hole. But really, he wants you to know that he’s okay with that, because he wants the world to know that he definitely prefers the hole to the pole, no doubt about that, no doubt at all. No pole for this guy. Doesn’t like the penis! Not at all! Not even his own! He doesn’t even mind being called a “douche” because a douche is definitely something that the ladies use. The ladies! You know, the ones who have vaginas. I’m just saying.

And look at that picture. That’s a sexy picture. With the flexing muscles and the glisten of sweat. He’s a handsome man. Looks like he’s blowing the camera person a little kiss. A little kiss to thank him (or her! That camera person could totally be a woman!) for taking such a sexy picture and putting it into a magazine for everyone to see. Everyone who might find such a handsome, athletic, muscular man attractive. Everyone! Even gay men! I’m just saying.

And it’s not like his name, Hardaway sounds at all like the name a porn star might use. A gay porn star even. A gay porn star that might shoot a movie in a locker room or something. In the showers. Maybe the plot would be that the porn star just finished playing a game of some sort. Oh, like basketball. Or something like that. And the gay porn star playing the athlete asks the equipment manager for a towel. Or a rubdown. Or something. A porn star using a name like Hardaway might shoot a movie like that. I’m just saying.

Put personally, I have to say that people like Hardaway are my favorite kind of homophobes …. the straightforward, no dicking around kind (puns totally intended) that let you know up front who they are and what they feel so you know they aren’t worth your time. So, congratulations, Hardaway. You are an All-Star Douche.

So the Trash Talkers weren’t going to talk anymore about Anna Nicole Smith because this story is neither fun nor funny, and here at the Trashy Celebs Trash Talkin’ Rodeo, we like to keep things fun and funny. Once a person has gone through the sort of tragedy Anna Nicole has in the past six months, then that person is off limits to the Trash Talkers. This is not to say that the Trash Talkers aren’t interested in the facts of this story or the potential outcomes, but we feel that we want to offer Anna Nicole Smith, in her death, the dignity and privacy it appears she was so rarely offered during the last few years of her life.

This is not to say that the Trash Talkers never watched an episode of The Anna Nicole Smith Show or Trimspa commercials, fascinated by the “televised train wreck.” And trash talking celebrities is our job. We ain’t proud. But we do have our limits and this story recently reached a level of absurdity that is hard to believe, when some jackhole, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, better known as Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor, suddenly decided that he was the father of Anna Nicole’s infant daughter, Danielynn.
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Where the hell did this come from? As if two other gold diggers potential fathers weren’t enough, now this asshole prince of a man comes out of nowhere (because really, has anyone ever heard of him before now?) and claims he’s the father of Anna Nicole’s baby? Where has he been for the past five months, since the baby was born? Why hasn’t he been fighting for his baby all along? Or maybe, just maybe, he was keeping quiet, respecting what was left of the sanctity of his marriage and avoiding the circus. Until now, of course, when it is time to do the right thing, to step in and rescue the big bags of money a little girl from the spotlight and the media circus her young life has become.

In that case, Your Majesty, I salute you. You are truly a douche!

If Madonna Calls I’m Britney Spears

A whirlwind of Madonna-listic activity this past week has landed Britney Spears in our Douche of the Week chair. From voguing in New York to shopping donning a Kabbalah inspired head dress, Britster is taking us on a tour of Madonna’s been there done that.

Oops I did her again –Madge Did It Years (late 80’s – present)
It’s news to us that Brit-Brit likes the hole and the pole. Acording to the subtle cover story of In Touch Weekly entitled “Britney’s Gay Secret,�? Britney would disappear into her bedroom with up to six girls while still married to K-Fed. Damn, I’m thinking swapping spit with Madonna packs some major punch or gives you incredible stamina. If her career ever heads south she can market it during Oxygen channel’s late night line up. (Anyone seen the Climatique commercial? Classic!) But I digress.

Mishuganah in the Kepie – Madge Did it Years (late 90’s – present)
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Papa can you hear me? TMZ already made the Yentl joke about this one and I was all prepared to throw in a bunch of Fiddler on the Roof commentary, but then I saw this pic from Fashion week. Hmm, either Brit was onto something or Andre Leon is bringing back the look of my great-great grandparents. Either way, I’m sure Madonna has done something like this before.

C’mon Vogue – Madge Did it Year (1990)
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Madonna did it in a Jean-Paul Gaultier bra. Britney does it in a sports bra. According to Perez Hilton, the ex-Mickey Mouser demanded the dj play Madonna Tuesday night at NYC hotspot Marquee. Brit showed her appreciation by rubbing her fun bags into his back and breaking out mad-Vogue skills.

In addition to all this stuff, Britney has flashed her coin slot, made out with male models (presumably gay) and danced on tables of a New York club – all things Madonna did ages ago. Poser.