Trashy Celebs

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

Jay Leno was practically bouncing in his seat the other night as he brought up guest Ryan Phillippe’s first acting job as a gay teenager. After the gay acting past dust had settled, Mr. ex-Reese Witherspoon told Leno that the soap the part was on, One Life to Live was his mother’s favorite show. That’s when Leno launches into some schpeal about how weird and hilarious it was that he played a gay person while Phillippe reasonably tried to shift the conversation to the larger issue of how weird it was to be on a soap opera.

But it ain’t over there kiddies. Leno then asked Phillippe to pretend the camera was his gay lover and to give it his “gayest look.” But I’m giving away all the good parts. Check all the homophic hilarity below.

To borrow a joke from Best Week Ever, we think Phillippe should have just shot back “Jay Leno? More like GAY Leno!” Maybe Leno would like to go back to a simpler time in the 80’s when it was still kosher to make fun of gay people and Carson was still the host of the Tonight Show.

While searching amongst yesterday’s slim pickin’s of celebrity news, I happened upon this picture of my Great Aunt Bea in Paris. Aunt Bea was front and center along with Victoria Beckham at Italian designer Giambattista Valli’s show previewing his 08 Fall-Winter collection.

I was surprised as anyone to see this and was even more surprised when I called my mom and she told me Great Aunt Bea was in fact not in Paris but at her Thursday yiddish class at the Pikesville Senior Center. Upon hearing that I instantly realized my mistake and this picture isn’t of Great Aunt Bea but of Mary-Kate Olsen looking like a major fuck-tard. My bad.

Waify brit singer Joss Stone may have smoked a fag up the wrong tree this past weekend by singing the praises of cigarettes at a Cancer benefit. According to Contact Music.com,

The star was one of a number of celebrity guests at a New York Fashion Week bash on Saturday (2FEB08) to promote U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute’s (NHLBI) annual Heart Truth awareness campaign. When asked what she did to protect her heart, Stone, 20, revealed she smoked hand-rolled cigarettes - which she wrongly claimed are less harmful than pre-packaged ones. She told the New York Daily News, “In England we smoked rolled cigarettes. It’s better to smoke rollies than straights because straights have chemicals that keep them burning. So if you have to really smoke, smoke rollies.”

The article also referenced a 2006 study that established hand-rolled cigarettes are actually more likely to cause lung and oesophageal cancer. So if you’re reading this Joss, stepping into open man holes may cause falliness, knives are sharp and smokin’ rollies is still smoking dumbass.

I really want to forget all about the Anna Nicole Smith drama. I want to let that poor woman rest in peace. I want to let her son rest in peace. When I heard the name “Howard Stern” I only want to think of the shock jock on Sirius Satellite Radio. Yeah, I am a celebrity gossip blogger, some some topics just aren’t fun to snark about. Some just make me feel bad. Gossip is supposed to be fun and it is DEFINITELY not supposed to involve children.

And at the time, I was happy that Larry Birkhead turned out to be little Dannielynn’s father. He seemed pretty level-headed, seemed to want to be a father, seemed less shady than Howard K. Stern. But today, Birkhead is being named our Douche of the Week, for inviting along Entertainment Tonight cameras to Nasssau, to join him on his visit to Anna Nicole Smith’s grave. His daughter’s first visit. On the one year anniversary of her mother’s death. I wonder why he did that? Maybe he forgot to bring his own camera or something? YEAH, RIGHT.

Way to exploit your little innocent daughter, Birkhead. Do you need the money that bad? Too busy changing diapers and going to Gymboree to pick up any photography jobs? Or are you really just proving yourself to be a #1 DAD/DOUCHE. The only thing I am giving you credit for is that it was Entertainment Tonight you pimped your little family too and not the freakin’ National Enquirer. I hope you are saving some of that cash for therapy bills.

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K. Stern, Entertainment Tonight, National Enquirer

Attention, Trashy Celebs readers! Douche alert. I repeat, Douche alert. There is a douchebag in the vicinity. Please remain vigilant. Do not panic, but do not let your guard down. This is not a drill. Douche alert.

We haven’t utilized our “Douche of the Week” category in a little while, but boy do we have a doozy for you this week. John Gibson, a Fox News Host whom I have never heard of, mocked the death of actor Heath Ledger on his radio show, just hours after the actor was found dead in his apartment. An the mockery all seemed to be related to Ledger’s most famous role, as Ennis Del Mar, a closted gay man, in Brokeback Mountain. Listen to the audio below:

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that even adult, educated journalists would still resort to using their time on national airwaves, their time on the microphone when they have the opportunity to inform the world of news, to shape thoughts, to express opinions, to promote discourse, would take that time and waste it, pervert it, with such bullshit as this. What place does this sort of brute insensitivity have in the “news?” How is this enriching anyone, informing anyone, giving us thoughts to agree with or disagree with in an intelligent, civil manner? This is not making fun of a celebrity for doing something stupid in public or saying something dumb or marrying a third or fourth spouse. This is mocking the tragic death of a human being, and all because he played the role of a gay man in a movie.

I don’t care of John Gibson doesn’t like gay people. That’s his business, not mine. I don’t care if he doesn’t like Heath Ledger as an actor. I don’t care if he even saw Brokeback Mountain. I don’t care if he once met Heath Ledger in a grocery store and Ledger grabbed the last gallon of milk from under Gibson’s nose. Whatever Gibson thinks personally is up to him and none of my business. But when he sends these cruel and callous thoughts over the airwaves, with no apparent thought for Ledger’s grieving family and friends, for his little two-year old daughter who no longer has her father, then that just sickens me. And when his words imply “just another dead drug addict, just another dead weirdo, just another dead faggot“, well that not only sickens me, it makes me angry.

I know Ledger’s family is not reading this. But if they were, I would want them to know that most people out there are very saddened by their loss, are feeling this loss themselves, and are very sorry that cruel people like this are making their grief worse. I would want them to know that this cruelty is definitely the minority and that I feel hearts all over the world are going out to them, and especially to little Matilda.

Congratulations, John Gibson. You are a first class, A-one, all-star douche.

And don’t even get me started on Fred Phelps.

Heath Ledger, John Gibson, Brokeback Mountain

Oh grrl, Rachael Ray done gone and opened her big yap and showed her true colors on the set of a recent Dunkin’ Donuts commercial shot. According to Jezebel, Boston Magazine, New York Magazine and a bunch of other pubs, the queen of all food media spewed some nasty venom before spewing coffee. According to Grub Street “Rachael stormed onto the set and snapped at everyone. Not news, I know, everyone knows she’s actually a gigantic asshole. BUT! I am also told she took one sip of her Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, yelled “What is this shit? Get me MY coffee,” and would not continue until she was given “her” coffee — i.e., Starbucks.”

Heh, we wish this was caught on tape or better yet there was a B reel of 30 minute meals where Ray-Ray could be seen throwing a side dish of spinach polenta and the poor production assistant responsible for keeping it warm. After the Dunkin’ debacle, Ray’s sunny smile no longer graces the Dunkin Donuts website.

But this wasn’t the only DOH moment for Ray this week. It’s also been reported that there’s a wee bit of turmoil afoot at her publication Everyday with Rachael Ray. Within the past week, two high-profile editors have quit including the executive editor. This is actually really sucky news to the Trash Talkers. As irritating as Ray can be, we subscribe to her mag and cook from it at least once a week. Sure we have them all in a neat little pile (until they fall over) in our kitchen and can reference them at anytime but we’d be lost without them!

Anyway if it does indeed fold, let us know if you hear of a new source for turkey burger recipes.

Rachael Ray, turkey burgers, Dunkin’ Donuts

Yes, I do think I’m terribly clever with my headline, too bad Tony Romo was just plain terrible yesterday against the Philadelphia Eagles. Fans and NFL commentators aplenty are blaming Romo’s performance on Jessica Simpson just for being in the stands wearing a pink number 9 jersey. That’s some powerful p…erfume Simpson has got over Mr. Cowboy since he laid a 13-for-36, 0 touchdown, 3 interception egg lose at home to a 10-point underdog. The even funnier, or more pathetic thing was that the announcers couldn’t stop talking about her being there.

I guess the fact that Terrell Owens was playing his former team and couldn’t catch a cold yesterday and missed about every ball Romo threw at him just wasn’t as interesting. Meanwhile Romo’s old fling Carrie Underwood was spotted dancin’ with Gossip Girl person Chace Crawford.

This photo is courtesy of TMZ who spotted the two flirting at Marquee’s fourth anniversary party in New York last week. I’m not sure who Chace Crawford is and have only mildly heard of the show Gossip Girl but from the looks of things Underwood has moved on pretty effortlessly from the playing of the football man.

As for Tony Romo, our advice to you is to take a good hard look at Tom Brady for girlfriend at game etiquette . You don’t see his current girlfriend Gisele Bündchen or even baby-momma Bridget Moynahan sitting in the stands with a number 12 jersey on. No, they don’t hog the attention of Fox sports nincompoop broadcasters by drawing attention to themselves at the game with their creepy fathers. They’re either not at the game or are chilling somewhere with their friends not searching for attention. Not that I’m telling you what to do Jessica Simpson because I’d be perfectly happy if the Cowboys floundered the rest of the season. I don’t like them much anyway.

Terrell Owens, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson, Dallas Cowboys, Gisele Bündchen, Bridget Moynahan, Fox Sports, Gossip Girl

Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested Sunday afternoon at the Dublin, Ireland, airport, facing charges of public drunkenness and breach of the peace as he tried to get on a plane to England. The purty actor, who was admitted to a California alcoholism-treatment clinic in April (checking out a month later), was in Dublin to promote his new film August Rush.

Twice police confronted the 30-year-old Irish thespian over his “erratic, abusive” behavior at an airport gate and at a desk of the British airline. After not shutting his puss and refusing to calm the freak down, the airport police then called Ireland’s national police force, the Garda Siochana.

Police charged Rhys Meyers with two counts of violating the Public Order Act, then permitted him to pay an undisclosed cash bail on condition he return to Dublin District Court on Dec. 5 for his arraignment.

“I gave up drinking a few years ago, and this is the first time I’ve spent time in my country trying not to drink,” Rhys Meyers said in an October 2006 interview. “I would never drink again. It is hard to avoid. But listen, you do what you want to do. I don’t want to do that. I want my career, and you can’t really do that and be successful on the screen.”

Well maybe not on the screen, but saying one thing and doing the other will make you pretty darn successful on blogs like this one. We’ll always be there for you to call you out on your own bullshit and laugh when it happens again in a month or so.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, August Rush, Dublin, Ireland

A big “No-duh” struck MLB yesterday when Barry Bonds was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice for telling a federal grand jury he did not knowingly use performance-enhancing drugs. “Liar, liar pants on fire!” Shouted the grand jury. “I’m rubber and you’re glue,” replied Bonds, “whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” “Well you’re a big fat poopy head!” Said the FGJ “And I’m telling!” Well, that’s sort of what happened.

In all actuality, this means there might be a trip to prison in his future instead of Cooperstown (where the Baseball Hall of Fame is for those of you who don’t follow the sport where people hit a small white ball with a long wood bat).

This little ditty has come just three months after the San Francisco Giants star broke Hank Aaron’s career home run record of 755.

“During the criminal investigation,” the indictment read, “evidence was obtained including positive tests for the presence of anabolic steroids and other performance-enhancing substances for Bonds and other professional athletes.”

The government type people laid out seven full pages of alleged lies, ending its four-year investigation of Bonds that started with a raid on the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO) that was the epicenter for performance-enhancing drug use. All in all it cites 19 occasions in which Bonds allegedly lied under oath.

If convicted, Bonds could be sentenced to a maximum of 30 years in prison. And ain’t no one paying $750,000 for a ball you hit over a wall in prison. However, you may get a pack of smokes and a nice back rub.

Barry Bonds, BALCO, steroids, San Francisco Giants

There’s not a whole lot going on in the world of celebdom this week, but at least it’s Halloween time so somebody will get freaky, freaky. To start off with, it was nice to see not everyone had to flaunt their sex appeal with a costume. The lovely Jennifer Garner sent a shout-out to Deer Park Middle School alum, Michelle Hoffman with this inspired ensemble.

While partying at LAX, Paris Hilton learned the definition of irony and treated it as if it were in that Alanis Morissette song.

Adam Levine is no Brad Pitt. The Maroon 5 frontman took a trip back to 1999 at his Bacardi sponsored party and had to go around explaining to everyone who he was. (Tyler Durden from Fight Club but he looks more like that crazy guy who tries to sell me candy near the I-44 off ramp).

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A video of Prince Harry has surfaced that was probably never meant to see the light of day. Taken on a recent trip to Namibia with his girlfriend Chelsy Davy and some friends, Harry is seen snorting vodka and cavorting drunkenly. One lucky friend even appears to be on the receiving end of a princely nipple lick. Sweet!

We haven’t been able to locate the clip online but according to News of the World in the video, pals cheer loudly as Harry slugs a bottle cap of vodka, swills it around his mouth, spits it back into the cap and then snorts it up his nose.

Seconds later, Harry—a 2nd Lieutenant in the Blue and Royals (British Army) —closes his eyes and shakes his head as the alcohol, shooting straight into his bloodstream, takes effect.

Apparently experts are concerned because vodka snorting is not the safest of past times: “Professor Ian Gilmore, president of the Royal College of Physicians, said: ‘There are all sorts of additives that could cause an allergic reaction which could damage the lungs, mucus membranes of the nose and trachea. It could kill.’ David Nott, who runs the Manor Clinic rehab centre and is a member of the Federation of Drug and Alcohol Professionals, said: ‘Anybody acting in this manner continually will do severe damage, which could be deadly.’ Frank Soodeen from Alcohol Concern added: ‘By by-passing the liver, you run the risk of inflaming the brain and possibly causing long-term damage. It’s a practice to be avoided at all costs. It’s very irresponsible.’”

So yeah, I can see how it’s bad that this kind of behavior by a public figure gets out and how kids who never thought to snort vodka might give it a go (shit, even in my self-destructive late teens I never thought of that), but we’re more concerned about something else. We’re worried about that level of straight-up douchey gay for play behavior. I mean come on if you’re going to put wine glasses on your man-tits and lick your friend’s nipples, at least set your Myspace page to private or don’t take pictures at all. At the very least, don’t trust a friend who was encouraging you to snort booze to not sell the pics to the press. Still, we’re happy we saw these pics because it totally takes some of the mystique of being a Brit-Royal away. We wonder what Helen F’in Mirren would say about this?

Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy, Snorting Vodka

An ex-mistress of Rap mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs revealed oily details of his extremely exorbitant lifestyle to the UK’s Sunday Mirror. Nai Bacha who met the singer last year in Toronto tells of his crazy appetite for parties and long-lasting boink-fests that involved a whole mess of baby oil. Oh and also how Diddy cheated on the mother of his twins, Kim Porter, before and after she gave birth. We wonder if J-Lo would have put up with that noise?

Nai says: “Sean’s life has to be seen to be believed. He calls himself The King - and even Prince Charles cannot be any more demanding than he is. He has a cast of thousands to ensure his life is perfect. They hang on his every need - he has one man just to pour his drinks, one to cut his hair and shave him…and two entire teams to look after his jewelery and clothes.”

She goes on to say “Sean knows how to take care of his lady. We had the most amazing sex ever. He loves baby oil all over his body. He’s the most amazing sensual lover I’ve ever had.”

We’re guessing he applies the baby-oil himself but Nai did go into details about the insane amount of everyday things Puffy’s, yeah I called him Puffy, staff does for him. In fact he’s so obsessed with grooming that he has his own personal barber that travels with him. “That’s the only man on the planet who can trim his hair or give him a shave. Sean never shaves himself.” But that’s just the beginning. He has a whole team devoted to P-dressing him that care for a traveling wardrobe of 80 suits that are laid out for inspection every night.

Nai says: “Sean is always immaculately dressed and that takes military precision. He has one guy in charge of his wardrobe, another who’s responsible for putting different outfits together. When he came to London he had wardrobes filled with suits. There were about 80 from the biggest designers in the world - but only in black or white. The cheapest cost about £2,000. (almost 4,000 bucks if you were speaking American).

“Then there’s his cook Diane, who is on call all day and night. It might be 6am and he’ll want porridge. Diane is always on standby ready to make a perfect bowl.”

Diddy also pays a team of aides with absurdly specific jobs. “There was someone whose sole job for the day was to mix Sean’s favorite cocktail, Patron Silver tequila with ice,” says Nai. “He wasn’t allowed to make drinks for anyone else. Sean also has someone whose only job is to play his own records wherever he goes. I never heard him listening to anyone else’s music.”

Nai goes on with a butt-load more details about what kind of gum he likes (fruity, not minty) and how he always has to have Heinz Ketchup (not Catsup, that’ll get you slapped) on hand.

Apparently this big insight into D’s personal extravagance was brought on because he’s been oiling up actress Sienna Miller. Nia was on hand while Diddy, Miller, his barber, Ketchup provider and whoever else dinned at exclusive London restaurant Cipriani.

“Throughout the dinner he was fork-feeding Sienna from his plate. They were baby-talking each other, ‘baby this and baby that’.

“They were really flirty and I felt disrespected. It was obvious what was going on. You could see the body language. I just sat there and thought, ‘How can this be happening?’ What really shocked me was when Sienna said to Sean, ‘Oh baby, are you getting all oiled-up and s***?’

“He was like, ‘Oops’. I thought using baby oil was our little secret - but I guess not.”

But according to Nia, Diddy and Miller were arguing later in the evening. So her hopes of being his future Ipod carrier are still a go.

Sean “Diddy” Combs, Sienna Miller, Nia Bacha, Baby Oil

Ahh Michael Vick, we were going to leave you alone to await sentencing on federal dog fighting chargers but we just can’t quit you! A report reveled yesterday that the disgraced Atlanta Falcons quarterback tested positive for marijuana on September 13th. Talk about unlucky! The weed charge is a violation of the conditions of his release on the above charges that already puts his career and image in extreme jeopardy.

To make matters worse, on the day of Vick’s guilty plea, U.S. District Judge Henry Hudson warned that he wouldn’t be amused by any additional trouble. Opps. After his positive test, the judge ordered Vick to submit to any method of testing, “for determining whether the defendant is using a prohibited substance.” The judge also ordered Vick to stay in his Virginia home with electronic monitoring every day from 10:00 PM to 6:00 AM; you know cause that’s when bad stuff happens.

As always, we turn to our pug and Michael Vick legal expert Muriel for additional analysis.

Muriel the Pug: THANK YOU TRASH TALKING MOM AMY! SO THE VICK HAS TURNED TO THE POT TO TRY AND EASE HIS TOURTURED SOUL FROM THE BARKING DOGS IN HIS HEAD. TO THAT I SAY “SUCK IT THE VICK.” YOU KNOW THERE ARE SOME DOGS IN THE WORLD THAT DO ENJOY A LITTLE WHACKY TOBBACY FROM TIME TO TIME BUT SOME OF THOSE DOGS WILL HAVE THE MUNCHIES NO MORE THANKS TO YOU.

NOW FROM 10 TO 6 YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY UNLESS YOU MARK YOUR OWN HOUSE WHICH IS ALREADY MARK. THEREFORE I URGE EVERY DOG, CAT AND EVEN SQUIRELL TO GO MARK THE HOUSE OF THE VICK DURING THAT TIME BECAUSE HE CANNOT LEAVE IT TO MAKE YOU FIGHT. AND EVEN IF HE CAN HE WILL BE TOO BAKED TO RUN FAST. THANK YOU FOR READING.

Thanks Muriel and look for further Michael Vick coverage right here as it comes in….or a day or two after that.

Michael Vick, Marijuana, Dogs

Ah what to do when you’re about five years past being relevant, have a lot of pent up hostility and completely full of nonsensical suckitude? Lash out at the gays of course. For some reason someone interviewed Ja Rule about what he thought about the upcoming Congressional Meeting on Hip-Hop. The newly crowned king of Doucheyness took the opportunity to go on a little rant about MTV and gays. From sohh.com:

We need to go step to Paramount, and f–king MGM, and all of these other motherf–kers that’s making all of these movies and we need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these f–king shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this sh-t,” he continued. “Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let’s talk about s–t like that! If that’s not f–king up America, I don’t know what is.”

Now we’re not sure what Ja thinks it takes to f-up America but we’re pretty sure a some tanked-up bisexuals isn’t it. And just to make a point, lyrics from Ja’s 2003 release Niggas and Bitches:

Niggas! Grip the iron and keep it cocked
Bitches! Work your clit keep that pussy hot
Cause it’s all about sex, money, and murder
Bitches that burn ya, niggas with burners
Cocked and let go!

Yeah, judging from that I’m thinking Ja Rule should jast rule out speaking in public again.

Ja Rule, MTV, Gays, Viacom, Congressional Meeting on Hip Hop