Trashy Celebs

But I am sure that is no surprise to all of you. Yes, Trash Talker Amy was a bit more obscure with her story yesterday, but today we are being a lot more direct with reporting that singer Chris Brown, famous for his babyface and Michael Jackson dance moves, is our (Alleged) Douche of the Week. We say alleged because he has only been charged with beating up a woman (whom many sources all over the place have identified as his girlfriend, pop singer Rhianna), and well all know from watching Cops that all suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

But things sure aren’t looking good for Chris Brown. He has been booked on “suspicion of making a criminal threat,” he is being investigated by the DA’s office for possible further charges, sources are leaking that it was Rhianna that he attacked, the entire internet is calling him a woman-beater, he had to withdraw from public appearances, he is losing endorsement deals from Wrigley’s chewing gum and the “Got Milk” campaign, and at least one radio station has stopped playing his music. All in less than 48 hours! It can take years to build a career in music and apparently, less than two days to start destroying it.

It seems like the only person on Chris Brown’s side these days is actor (and former Trashy Celebs Douche of the Week) Terrence Howard who has been quoted as saying that Brown is a “great guy” and that “Rhianna knows he loves her.” Yeah, she sure does. The evidence is right there on her face.

Chris Brown=(Alleged) Douche!

Holy Hanoi Montana batman, is that Miley Cyrus? Why yes it is. Miley’s sophisticated humor palette and exquisite group of friends make a funny and manage to offend 1.2 billion people. Rock on wit yo’ bad self.

I really have no idea what the origin of this photo is but I feel bad for that delivery guy or whoever he is. Not that all Asian people are delivery guys but it looks like someone just grabbed him and said “hey can you be all Chinese in our group photo?” and the guy is like “sure, if you don’t mind if I pretend to be a huge asshat.” Deal!

Anyway, some groups are none too pleased about Ms. Cyrus’s joke that’s usually reserved for preschoolers who don’t know any better.

Leaders of the Asian American community and the OCA advocacy group are demanding that Miley publicly apologize for ’slanting her eyes in the racially charged and insensitive photo. The OCA wants the world to know that this photo falls within a long history of individuals mocking and denigrating those of Asian descent.
George Wu, executive director of the OCA, said:

“Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable. OCA hopes that Miley Cyrus will apologize to her fans and the APA community for this lapse in judgment and takes the opportunity to better understand why the gesture is offensive.”

Oh, tick, tock lil’ Miley. We hope you don’t wait until the year of the Tiger to do it.

Heavens to Mergatroid! Ashton Kutcher was forced to get out of bed at the ungodly hour of seven thirty am because of construction at his neighbor’s house. Unlike most of us who would just roll over and try to go back to sleep or do the unthinkable like get up at a normal time, Kooch grabbed his camera and went on a little hissy-poo fit calling his neighbor a jackass and dickweed. NIce!

This is my porch! Ohh, dem’s fighten’ words!

According to TMZ, the man who is building the house that caused Ashton Kutcher to melt down says the actor is acting “silly.” Especially because the city of L.A. allows him to start construction at 7:00 AM, and that Ashton “just doesn’t want to deal with reality.” The neighbor says Ashton, who called him a “dickweed,” a “jackass” and “owl feces cougar placenta,” is “out of line.” He also finds it somewhat ironic that the house Kutcher lives in was built over a ten year period and neighbors had to deal with the noise.

He adds Kutcher has been pleasant in the past but has complained, with Goldsmith telling him he “can’t do anything about the noise.” He’s been building the house for six months.

Apparently Koochmesiter felt bad for being a little bitch or took a nap because later in the day he puked this apology video up on you tube. We semi paid attention to it as he tries to convince us that he’s working on being more tolerant of his neighbors and has a mushy conversation with Demi over the phone.

whatever.

Well, with all the depressing organized discrimination and organized hate going on against those of the homosexual persuasion I thought I’d bring you a story that is almost hysterically funny in its over-the-top ridiculousness. Some rapper I have never heard of who calls himself “Trick Trick” doesn’t want any of your homosexual money from your homosexual debit card or your homosexual change jar. Trick Trick can pay for his Godfather suits and chunky bracelets and totally gay pinky rings with heterosexual money only, thank you very much, homo.

“I’ma go on the record right now with this. Homosexuals are probably not gonna like this album. Fa**ots hate me and I don’t give a f**k. I don’t want your fa**ot money any goddam way. I don’t like it. Carry that shit somewhere else.… It’s just that every time that you turn on the the TV, that sissy s**t is on. And they act like it’s f***ing okay. The world is changing for the worst when s**t like that happen. And I address that issue. I address it hard as hell…”

You want to know what cracks my homo-gay ass the hell up? It’s Mr. Trick Trick’s name here … “Trick Trick.” I don’t know what prompted him to choose this as his rapper-name, but from what I understand, many gay men call their hook-ups “tricks.” Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So you have our congratulations Trick Trick and the promise that none of my hard earned homo-money will get anywhere near your bank account. You are one super-fly douche.

Really Lindsay, really? Did you really just call Obama our first “colored” president? We think there’s a word or two in her recent interview with Access Hollywood that she might want to take back right around now. Listen below for yourself and tell us if we’re imagining this little fuck up in an interview with Maria Menounos.

If you’re on a slow band width or your computer rejects her clown make-up. Maria Menounos asks, regarding the announcement of Obama’s victory, “Tell me what that night meant for you.” Lindsay replies, “It was really exciting. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first [muffled mystery word that sounds a lot like colored] president.”

Oh Lindsay, are you from a backwater town in Mississippi or are you from New York? I have a hint, New Yorkers (and anyone else from the 21st or even 20th century) don’t say that word! You just don’t want us to like you do you? You finally sort of admit you’re in a relationship with Samantha Ronson. In fact, just the other day, Lindsay told Harper’s Bazaar that “I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m seeing.”

It’s obvious to everyone but her, because when asked if she’s bisexual, Lindsay’s reply is a vague “Maybe. Yeah” and then says “No” when asked if she’s a lesbian.

Well, you say you’re with a lady so we can only extrapolate the obvious Ronson connection from that. But even if you’re gay or bi or whatever, you’re still kind of a wanker who probably should just keep your mouth shut.

So the entire state of California has my vote for D-Bag of the week. Well maybe not the entire state, just the 52% of it’s voting population who thinks gay people shouldn’t get married. And now Attorney Mathew D. Staver, who has argued before the California Supreme Court against same-sex marriage, said he’s confident that the state’s 18,000-plus gay marriages will be annulled. He intends to argue that “constitutional amendments are retroactive.” Biggest D-Bag of D-baggery.

But in good news, Shannon Minter, legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, is taking this to court. “It would be almost unthinkable to retroactively take away somebody’s marriage status – it would be completely unprecedented and it almost defies description.”

It’s now up to the California Supreme Court which will hear the case. They previously voted 4-3 in favor of gay marriage.

Melissa Etheridge, upset over the passing of Prop 8 has vowed to withhold the buckets of money the state would have reaped from her taxes threw down on her website.

Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books. Okay, cool I don’t mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We’re gay!

The Trash Talkers don’t live in California, in fact our state legislated hate years before we moved here. But still we’re taking this as mean-spirited decision personally and really hope our friends on the left coast can remain happily married husbands.

You’d think that someone would tell hip-hop star Akon that if he doesn’t stop manhandling his fans then pretty soon there won’t be anyone left to buy his albums and come to his shows. First he drags some kid onstage, picks him up, and tosses him back into the audience. Then he is filmed grinding on some 15 year old preacher’s daughter at a club in Trinidad and Tobago. And now, after crowd surfing out into the middle of a crowd at one of his shows, he decides that he no longer wants fans touching him, then pushes one woman off a camera stand and pimp slaps another one in the face. What a gentleman!

I read that Akon wrote a song called “Sorry, Blame It on Me” apologizing for the underage-humping incident. I can’t wait to hear the song he writes to apologize for this one … maybe something simple called “Gotta Keep My Pimp Hand Strong.” Congratulations, Akon, you are our woman-slapping Douchebag of the Week!

We’re on day two of babbling about the Olympics and look President Bush is still there. In the words of my dad “they don’t have anything else for him to do so he’s sitting in China watching games.” Ah yes, as Lori reported yesterday Bush looked bored, annoyed and smug all at the same time during the kick-ass opening cermonies. Then today I stumble upon this gem.

Oy. Holding the US flag backwards when you’re the president of United States is kind of like me putting a freedom flag on my car upside down after being out for 14 years…kind of. It’s actually much worse and it looks like his daughter Barbara is about to remedy the mistake but not before it was well documented. Again, oy.

And the other day Mr. Bush was doing more than watching the games as he got some hands on experience in beach Volleyball. Misty May-Treanor turned her back to the president, offering her bikinied rear for one of the traditional slaps that volleyball players frequently give each other.

“Mr. President, want to?” she asked, repeating an offer she made when Bush gave a pep talk to the U.S. athletes before Friday’s opening ceremonies.

Bush smilingly gave a flick with the back of his hand to the small of her back instead. Although this was Misty May-Treanor’s idea we’d actually have more respect for the President if he did the traditional ass smack. C’mon, ass that fine in your face ya smack it!

Yeah! You know that friend that just won’t let something go. Like one time you shared a cheese pretzel at a ballgame and you just happen to have taken one more bite than them and now every time you go to share a cheese pretzel they bring it up and say something like “oh, maybe I should draw a line so you don’t eat any of my half,” or some shit like that? Anyway, I never thought Justin Timberlake would be that kind of friend.

That might have been a bad analogy but Justin is pitching a little bitchy fit over a fashion trend that’s kind of been over for three years - Trucker Hats. Yes, Justin is saying it was he, not Trucker-Caper-wearer Ashton Kutcher that was responsible for making them en vogue. Call me Kooch!

“It’s funny,” Timberlake says in the new issue of Fashion Rocks magazine. “I keep hearing Ashton Kutcher say how he was responsible for trucker caps. I’ve heard him make that statement before.”

But Timberlake maintains that he and his William Rast fashion line partner and childhood friend Trace Ayala are the real trendsetters. “Trace and I were wearing them when we were seventeen,” Timberlake says.

Call me crazy but didn’t truckers wear trucker hats first? Actually, I think it was me. I remember wearing this really knarly Miami Dolphins orange mesh trucker hat all the time when I was a kid. Forget being a trendsetter at seventeen Mr. Sexybacker singer guy, I was a trend setter at eight. Put that in your Urban and Outfit it yo!

Oh boy, we haven’t featured a Douche of the Week in a while and then we are just handed one that is so completely idiotic and douchey that we had to make him a Douche of the Month. I would have named him Douche of the Year, but then I am tempting fate for some even bigger asshole to pop up and do something even worse, and I don’t want that responsibility. Granted, a lot of this website depends on famous people doing stupid things, but this stupid thing isn’t just stupid, it’s hateful and insulting and hurtful and makes me want to kick Mr. Michael Savage right in his tiny little savages.

In case you are fortunate enough not to know who Savage is (and please don’t confuse him with the awesome sex-advice columnist Dan Savage) Michael Savage is a radio host and conservative political commentator. And today, he had this to say about autism:

In 99% of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they’re silent?” Savage said last week in remarks that lit up the Internet over the weekend.

“They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz.’”

What a guy! Insulting the people (mostly children) who in many cases can’t speak or communicate themselves. What’s next Savage, kicking puppies? Pinching kittens?

I can thank Savage for one thing though: giving me the exact language I would like to use on him: Mr. Savage, you are a brat. You need to cut the act out and stop being an hurtful idiot. Don’t act like a moron, you’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz.

And one more thing: Congratulations! You single-handedly brought back our Douche of the Week feature! Because you are a screamy, attention-whore jerk of a Douche!

Seriously? The CW is seriously doing a remake of “the show that revolutionized television and defined a generation” Beverly Hills 90210? Oh my, this is going to crazy suck. Take a look at the trailer. This time around a family has moved from Kansas City not Minnesota and there’s actually a black character (who of course has to have come from a foster home). I really can’t decide who’s the biggest douche. I think it’s the girl named Silver wearing that string around her head. Seriously does she think she’s on the German women’s soccer team? Or maybe it’s the girl who’s the spoiled kid. Or it could be the “down to earth fun loving” football player. No, it’s totally the journalism guy named Navid. Seriously are your parent’s too cool for a D? Douche.

Or maybe this show will totally suck because they had to say “cooler, sexier, provocative where every story is intriguing.” none of that brining a homeless person home for Christmas crap that the original had. Just straight up boning.

No, I think I have it. The new 90210 will completely suck because of the absence of vests, huge sideburns and un-ironic mullets.

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

Jay Leno was practically bouncing in his seat the other night as he brought up guest Ryan Phillippe’s first acting job as a gay teenager. After the gay acting past dust had settled, Mr. ex-Reese Witherspoon told Leno that the soap the part was on, One Life to Live was his mother’s favorite show. That’s when Leno launches into some schpeal about how weird and hilarious it was that he played a gay person while Phillippe reasonably tried to shift the conversation to the larger issue of how weird it was to be on a soap opera.

But it ain’t over there kiddies. Leno then asked Phillippe to pretend the camera was his gay lover and to give it his “gayest look.” But I’m giving away all the good parts. Check all the homophic hilarity below.

To borrow a joke from Best Week Ever, we think Phillippe should have just shot back “Jay Leno? More like GAY Leno!” Maybe Leno would like to go back to a simpler time in the 80’s when it was still kosher to make fun of gay people and Carson was still the host of the Tonight Show.

While searching amongst yesterday’s slim pickin’s of celebrity news, I happened upon this picture of my Great Aunt Bea in Paris. Aunt Bea was front and center along with Victoria Beckham at Italian designer Giambattista Valli’s show previewing his 08 Fall-Winter collection.

I was surprised as anyone to see this and was even more surprised when I called my mom and she told me Great Aunt Bea was in fact not in Paris but at her Thursday yiddish class at the Pikesville Senior Center. Upon hearing that I instantly realized my mistake and this picture isn’t of Great Aunt Bea but of Mary-Kate Olsen looking like a major fuck-tard. My bad.

Waify brit singer Joss Stone may have smoked a fag up the wrong tree this past weekend by singing the praises of cigarettes at a Cancer benefit. According to Contact Music.com,

The star was one of a number of celebrity guests at a New York Fashion Week bash on Saturday (2FEB08) to promote U.S. National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute’s (NHLBI) annual Heart Truth awareness campaign. When asked what she did to protect her heart, Stone, 20, revealed she smoked hand-rolled cigarettes - which she wrongly claimed are less harmful than pre-packaged ones. She told the New York Daily News, “In England we smoked rolled cigarettes. It’s better to smoke rollies than straights because straights have chemicals that keep them burning. So if you have to really smoke, smoke rollies.”

The article also referenced a 2006 study that established hand-rolled cigarettes are actually more likely to cause lung and oesophageal cancer. So if you’re reading this Joss, stepping into open man holes may cause falliness, knives are sharp and smokin’ rollies is still smoking dumbass.