Trashy Celebs

If you are a big fan of The Amazing Race AND your day hasn’t had enough pictures of naked men, then you are totally in luck. Pictures have surfaced on the internet (where else?) of season nine contestant Eric, who, with his teammate, friend, and fellow douche-bag Jeremy, came in second, losing to even bigger douchebags BJ and Tyler. Can you tell I wasn’t thrilled with the ending of that season? Nor was I thrilled when Eric and his girlfriend Danielle went on to win the “All Stars” season of the Race. Yeah, but that is all in the past now and hey, who doesn’t want to see naked pictures of semi-famous wannabes on the internet? Well, a lot of people, probably, but they shouldn’t be reading a site called Trashy Celebs, should they?

We don’t publish naked shots here, because our network frowns on it and we like to get paid, so we can only supply you with a link (like sausage! which is like penis! ha ha ha!) but our hero Michael K over at dlisted has got you covered (and Eric uncovered!) so click on over, my vouyeristic friends!

SHOW ME THE PENIS!

EW NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Charles Barkley is going to jail! Are you stunned? I am not stunned. And it was for a truly stupid reason. I mean, anyone arrested for DUI is stupid. No, anyone driving under the influence is stupid, even if they don’t get caught. But not only was Mr. Barkley stupid for driving drunk, he was driving drunk for a dumb-ass reason: he was in a hurry to get a blow job. A blow job! Mr. Barkley, you are not a virginal 15-year-old boy! There is no reason to be so desperate!

And I am guessing after all this stupidity, Mr. Barkley ended up at home alone and unsatisfied that night. Smarten up, Mr. Barkley! You can only ride on your athletic fame so long, and then you are just another overweight washed up sports star who did something truly dumb and ended up in jail.

I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend or anything, but I do have this sudden urge to go out and buy some Italian underwear. Why is that, you weird Trash Talker? Well, my friends, I think you all will be standing behind me in line once you get a look at the new pictures of David Beckham taken for Emporio Armani:

Picture via People magazine

And Beckham is famous primarily for playing soccer? (Football, if you are reading this from outside the United States.) Does anyone even watch him play soccer anymore, since he is usually, you know, not playing in (only) his fancy Italian underwear.

And of course, we all know that David Beckham is a purely beautiful physical specimen of a human being. But what is up with those poses? Reminds me of the black and white shots of buff mostly naked guys I would see hanging in gay bars back in the early 1990s (or in some small towns, still today.) Can’t get any more creative than reclining on a bed? Hey, at least it’s not a picture of him fixing a car.

Oh the weather outside is frightful and when that happens we like nothing better than to cozy up on the couch and watch some skin slap around. No, not super obese people working out (although The Biggest Loser is a guilty pleasure), I’m talking porn.

The first thing we found combines porn with one of our favorite shows - The Office. Yes it’s the creatively named XXX Office Porn. All those alt.sex.stories newsgroups (those still exist don’t they?) come to life as Jim and Pam hook up for real in a fake office setting.

The boss may be Michelle instead of Michael and favorite Office joke “That’s what she said,” may be used adnauseum but all your favorite’s are sort of represented in a skankier, more well-endowed way. We’re just wondering if the actors look at the camera and shrug if someone shoots their load too soon.

Anyway if you prefer your porn without a hint of sarcasim and eerie familiarity, check out PETA’s supposedly yanked (heh) superbowl ad.

So according to them it’s not ok to wear fur but it’s just fine to diddle yourself with a stalk of broccoli for a televised audience of 500 gazillion people? nice!

We’re kind of not buying that this was ever going to be shown but instead was created to be rejected. PETA is getting a lot more publicity from bloggers like us posting this smut vs. a bunch of drunk folks wondering why models are making a tit salad during the fourth quarter. And I don’t know if vegetarians have better sex but I do know they don’t eat chicken wings and them thangs are good!

Okay, so maybe that title is a little obvious and such, but when one comes across a picture like the one above, on the same day that the Oscar nominations are announced, and when three-hour movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gets like a zillion nominations, then you make the damn joke. That picture would have been amusing on any day, because Mr. Perfect Man-Actor-Father-Handsome might let the cow out of the barn but on a day like today? With a movie called that? The joke has to be made. It would be a crime not to.

You have to wonder, though, how his publicist let these pictures get published. I mean, sure, it’s just the zipper of his jeans open, and sure, it has happened to all of us. But aren’t you squirming just a little bit, because, damn, Angelina is gonna be pissed.

Oh boy, what the hell is this all about? Kanye West, the most, ahem, cocky man in show business, is thinking that people just don’t quite look at him enough. Now he is thinking that it would be just a splendid idea to pose naked. (With two months notice, however, so he has time to hit the gym and buff up. And as someone who has been going to the gym for twice that, I can tell Mr. West that it takes longer than two months. But I digress.)

I’m really not surprised that Mr. West would want to appear in his all-together in some magazine or another (I assume it is a magazine he wants to pose for, and not some live wang wagging show, but he never really stated either way) because he does have quite a high opinion of his musical talent, so why not his body too? Frankly, I don’t care if he gets naked or not, but I do wish he’d take off that ugly hat in the picture above. Ugly!

And now absolutely no one can say that Lance Armstrong isn’t a totally freakin’ stud. Despite having only one testicle (which everyone in the world knows about and which the entire Internet — including this site — loves to discuss endlessly) Mr. Armstrong is going to be a daddy again. Even after displaying a continued fear of commitment after dumping Sheryl Crow and Kate Hudson and having a fling with one or the other of the Olsen twins, he is now suddenly and forever tied to girlfriend Anna Hansen, who is expecting their first (and I imagine only) child together in June 2009.

From what all the Internets tell me, Armstrong’s previous three children with ex-wife Kristin, were conceived through in vitro fertilization after his treatments occurred. But the Christmas miracle here is that this baby was conceived the old fashioned way — through knockin’ da boots. Apparently this is ultra-rare for men who have lost a testicle to cancer (which was the reason for the in vitro procedure) so that can only lead me to figure that this pregnancy is what folks euphemistically call the “happy accident.” Weren’t there some rumors a while back that implicated Armstrong is some sort of doping scandal? Everyone wondered if he had some chemical help to assist in winning all those bike races (including the Tour de France seven times after beating cancer) but know I wonder if there will be a whole new doping scandal …. with his sperm. Are there steroids that specifically focus on bulking up the muscles in your sperm?

And isn’t that just a little weird? It’s a little weird for me, anyway. I mean, my mom has heard of Jackass and knows my fondness for the show and the movies (and I believe my sister and I have shown her a clip or two) but I’m doubtful that she knows who Steve-O is, as his segments are the type that I generally would filter out. I mean, he has been know to perform some of the stranger/more disturbing stunts on the show, that frequently involve poo or vomit. And I would never, ever expose Amy’s grandma to a show like Jackass because she is a very sweet and respectable lady, and she likes me and I don’t want that to change.

So why are they going to know who Steve-O is? Well the rumor floating about lately is that Steve-O has made a verbal commitment to appear on Dancing With the Stars, a show that both my mom and Amy’s grandma are known to be fond of. In fact, my sister has had to remind me on more than one occasion not to call my mom on Monday nights and interrupt her watching the show. And now I have no way of timing things just right to call her and interrupt the show so she won’t witness him snorting wasabe and vomiting into his plate or stapling his own scrotum to his thigh. ABC, what in the world are you thinking? Do you even have insurance to cover this?

To the aww tick tock ya don’t stop. So ‘member that band Color Me Badd with the one guy who looked like George Michael and the other one who looked like Kenny G and the one who looked like Milli Vanilli? Well there was one more you know, the Al Jarreau wannabe lead singer guy.

Yeah him! Well anyway, Color me black and blue because this schmutkiss (real name Bryan Abrams) got arrested on domestic violence charges for not Mi Amoring his girlfriend very well. Reportedly, cops were called to a restaurant in Oklahoma City last Friday, because Bryan allegedly punched his girlfriend in front of everyone. Cops say he was noticeably drunk, reeked of alcohol and was slurring his sentences.

Bryan’s girlfriend claimed he verbally threatened her by saying, “I’m a kill you! You and me! You and me!” Abrams is said to have had slurred speech and talked in “random sentence fragments. Some of those other fragments include “Oh girl I think I love ya I’m always thinkin’ of ya I want ch-ya to know I do all for love.” Oh wait that’s the lyrics to a song strangely enough called “All for love.” He probably said something else like “Bitch, I kills you and kick yo ass.”

Bryan is still in the clink on $4,000 bond.

I can’t believe I not only went and saw these d-bags in concert when I was in high school but I distinctly remember my friends and I bum rushing the state - shoving eight graders out of our way in attempt to get a rose from one of the colors of badness. I’d say I can’t believe how lame I was (well I can) but then I wouldn’t have these little slices of life no matter how embarrassing to share with you.

Oh, you bitches better count your lucky stars, because Trash Talker Lori had something really, really special planned for you today. Very special indeed. I’m sure it is something that would have changed your life forever, and by that, I mean you would have gone to school to learn a completely different language, preferably one using a completely different alphabet, so that you would never again have to read or hear words in the English language. What could I have written to inspire such a dramatic change in the lives of all Trashy Celebs readers?

I was going to live blog the Verne Troyner Sex Tape.

Just in case you skipped that last sentence, I was going to LIVE BLOG THE VERNE TROYNER SEX TAPE. Yes, that Verne Troyner.

You see, I came across a link to the Mini-Me sex tape and had enough grotesque curiosity to want to check it out. We aren’t allowed to post naughty things on this site, but I thought, since I can’t provide the video for those with the same grotesque curiosity, I could at least describe it! It couldn’t be more of a train wreck than the VMAs! But after clicking on the site and waiting and waiting and waiting I was taken to another page requesting $9.95 (for a week’s access to the video!) Why would I need a week’s access, unless it was to use the video as a sort of diet plan so I would either have no appetite or immediately throw up anything I had just eaten? OMG! Verne Troyner totally wants you to be either anorexic or bulimic!

Eating disorders aside, I think it’s best that I wasn’t able to live blog this total crime against all that is good and decent in the word of internet celebrity pornography. What’s next? A Dan Rather/Helen Thomas sex tape? For reals, people, this insanity has got to stop.

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

Well now this is just gross:

Did Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have sex on a plane?

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal may have joined the ‘Mile High Club’.

The Hollywood couple allegedly spent more than ten-minutes together inside an airplane bathroom, according to U.S reports.

Witherspoon, 31, and Jake, 26, were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival.

“Reese was dressed in all black and wearing shades when she and about six handlers entered Lufthansa’s first class lounge,�? an eyewitness told Star magazine.

“It wasn’t until she was already on the plane that we realized Jake, also dressed in black, had boarded separately.�?

After the two-hour flight from Rome to Frankfurt, the lovebirds were transferred to their trans-Atlantic connection on a special bus. Once onboard the group occupied ten out of 16 seats in the first class section of the 747 plane.

“Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,�? the witness continued.

Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes,�? the witness told Star.

Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.

“Jake worked on his laptop, and then he and Reese took a nap side by side.�?

I mean, come on, this can’t be true, right? Celebrities don’t do this. No one does this sort of thing, except in movies and TV shows and in fake stories sent to Penthouse Forum and on the internet. There is not enough space in airport bathrooms and they are gross and there is always someone smelly who was in there just before you or is waiting blocking the aisle when you try to come out. I don’t even like to use the airplane bathroom to actually go to the bathroom, let alone to knock some boots. (I once managed to avoid using the airplane bathroom on an overnight flight from Anchorage, Alaska to Dallas, Texas, but that was more because I was jammed into the middle seat and I didn’t want to wake up the guy sitting next to me.)

There has been lots of discussion on the internet over whether or not Jake and Reese’s relationship is even “for real” and I have to say 1) why would they lie? and 2) who cares? I mean, seriously people, either they are or they aren’t and I don’t care either way. The rumors mostly seem to say that they were only “together” to promote their movie Rendition and it must not have worked because I think that movie tanked. And the other rumor is that it is just to hide that Jake is gay …. and come on people, just because he made the gay movie, that doesn’t mean he’s gay himself. (Don’t you think he would have come out by now?)

Seriously, though, Reese Witherspoon apparently is the highest paid actress in Hollywood these days, so surely she can afford to charter a plane if this is what they are into. But I wonder — when Jake was working on his laptop, was he updating his blog with this most recent “adventure”?

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhall, Mile High Club

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,�? a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

First Ugly Betty, now Dirty, Sexy, Money. The new ABC show will feature famed transsexual actress Candis Cayne in a reoccurring role. Cayne plays Carmelita, a transsexual who is having a affair with married US Senator Patrick Darling (played by William Baldwin), who believes that this relationship with Carmelita could hurt his chances of becoming the next President of the United States. Based on casting of Billy Baldwin as a senator leads us to believe this show is a comedy. But anyway, kudos to Cayne who was born Brendan McDaniel and began transitioning in 1996.

If DSM proves to be a hit, we’ve learned of some additional shows in development at ABC featuring transsexual men and women.

Everybody Loves Ronald - The craziness never stops for successful weatherman Ronald Namone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, two goofy step kids and some nosey neighbors. Hilarity ensues when Ronald reveals he was not only born a woman (Rachael Nussbaum) but is also Jewish to boot.

Webster - Updated for the new millennium from the classic 80’s sitcom. The post-retirement season is suddenly disrupted for ex-football player George and his wife Katherine when Webster, the orphaned transgendered son of a former teammate, moves in. Laughter, life lessons and plenty of workin’ it in every episode.

Two Half Men - An uptight male to female chiropractor (Alissa) who recently had gender reassignment surgery moves in with her pre-opp female to male sister (Charlie). Will Charlie every pick a surgery date and will Alissa ever stop nagging about the dishes in the sink? Tune in to find out.

ABC, William Baldwin, Candis Cayne, Dirty Sexy Money

What a day for celebrity junk! Now these two news items are completely unrelated but they’re almost ying and yang twins of each other and deserve to be reported in the same story.

First, not to be upstaged by the woman herself, Britney Spears vagina also made a comeback Sunday night in Vegas. Like its owner, the vagina was looking a little puffy and worn out however did not feel the need to don hair extensions or lip sync through a performance.

Thanks Perez Hilton for the censored image but if you want to see the full on nasty it’s right here.

Looks like Madonna is going to show Guy Ritchie what if feels like for a girl. Seen leaving London hotspot Claridges restaurant after celebrating Guys’ 39th birthday, Madonna seems to be having a Lock, Stock and one smoking barrel of a good time carrying her baby’s secret - a purple penatrator dildo. (link not safe for work)


From the Daily Mail:

By the way Madonna is carrying the gift - unusually in a transparent bag - as the couple leave the Mayfair hotel and restaurant, one might assume that Guy had refused to be seen leaving with it. And the singer clearly relished that point as she flashed a broad smile to photographers who she must have known laid in wait since they had followed her earlier from the family home.

Heh, so the moral of this story is Madonna continues to be awesome and Britney continues to be awesomely good at being a living, breathing trainwreck. But we love these two news-making divas because they make it so damn fun to write about!

Madonna, Purple Penatrator, Britney Spears, Guy Ritchie