Trashy Celebs

The fine folks over at dlisted posted this picture that is going to give me nightmares forever and ever (Sweatin’ to the Brain Burn) so I had to rush right over here and share it with all of you. If I was a better, nicer person, I would put this behind a cut, but since I am not, and because if I have to know this, then you have to know this, it’s goin’ right here, front and center. Don’t say I didn’t warn you bitches.

Hot damn, people. If that isn’t sexy, then neither is Justin Timberlake. But seriously, did Simmons really have to do that? I mean, good for him for being in good shape and for being able to wear those little shorts and for having shaved his inner thighs. But now I am in the position of having to think about Richard Simmon’s underpants, and that is something I could have gone my whole entire life without thinking about. Because if I have to think about his underpants then I can’t help but think about how he has balls in that underwear and I REALLY don’t want to think about Richard Simmon’s balls, do you? (That is totally going to be the name of the next girl punk band I form: Richard Simmon’s Balls.) Before today, I was only afraid of Richard Simmon’s big old white-man ‘fro, which he’s been sportin’ for as long as I remember. Now I’m not only scared of the ‘fro, but I have a vague mental image of his nutsack, and seriously, there is just not enough gin in the world to erase that.

Oh boy, I hope my mom isn’t reading this.

Richard Simmons, manties, Richard Simmons’ balls

Well now this is just gross:

Did Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have sex on a plane?

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal may have joined the ‘Mile High Club’.

The Hollywood couple allegedly spent more than ten-minutes together inside an airplane bathroom, according to U.S reports.

Witherspoon, 31, and Jake, 26, were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival.

“Reese was dressed in all black and wearing shades when she and about six handlers entered Lufthansa’s first class lounge,” an eyewitness told Star magazine.

“It wasn’t until she was already on the plane that we realized Jake, also dressed in black, had boarded separately.”

After the two-hour flight from Rome to Frankfurt, the lovebirds were transferred to their trans-Atlantic connection on a special bus. Once onboard the group occupied ten out of 16 seats in the first class section of the 747 plane.

“Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,” the witness continued.

Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes,” the witness told Star.

Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.

“Jake worked on his laptop, and then he and Reese took a nap side by side.”

I mean, come on, this can’t be true, right? Celebrities don’t do this. No one does this sort of thing, except in movies and TV shows and in fake stories sent to Penthouse Forum and on the internet. There is not enough space in airport bathrooms and they are gross and there is always someone smelly who was in there just before you or is waiting blocking the aisle when you try to come out. I don’t even like to use the airplane bathroom to actually go to the bathroom, let alone to knock some boots. (I once managed to avoid using the airplane bathroom on an overnight flight from Anchorage, Alaska to Dallas, Texas, but that was more because I was jammed into the middle seat and I didn’t want to wake up the guy sitting next to me.)

There has been lots of discussion on the internet over whether or not Jake and Reese’s relationship is even “for real” and I have to say 1) why would they lie? and 2) who cares? I mean, seriously people, either they are or they aren’t and I don’t care either way. The rumors mostly seem to say that they were only “together” to promote their movie Rendition and it must not have worked because I think that movie tanked. And the other rumor is that it is just to hide that Jake is gay …. and come on people, just because he made the gay movie, that doesn’t mean he’s gay himself. (Don’t you think he would have come out by now?)

Seriously, though, Reese Witherspoon apparently is the highest paid actress in Hollywood these days, so surely she can afford to charter a plane if this is what they are into. But I wonder — when Jake was working on his laptop, was he updating his blog with this most recent “adventure”?

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhall, Mile High Club

So there is a word in the U.K. slang lexicon prat which basically means, “fool;” indeed it was originally slang for “buttocks” (i.e. what Heidi Montag is rubbing up against him in the picture below.) Would you like me to use prat in a sentence to make it more clear? Sure! Spencer Pratt is a prat for thinking anyone gives a good goddamn about his little “sex tape.” Does that clear things up?

From the National Enquirer:

Talk about art imitating life! On The Hills this season, the plot-line involves Spencer Pratt being accused of spreading rumors about an alleged sex tape of Lauren Conrad – but in real life, says an inside source, Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er… hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes!

(Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Montag: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” a la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. The editor nixed the sleazy project, Heidi, so hopefully your betrothed has given up the idea, but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right?)

I swear, whenever I hear something about The Hills I always have to go and look it up again to figure out what in the world it is all about. This, for once, is not the fault of the show or the celebrities “celebrities” involved but is actually because I am one thousand years old. For those of you in my age range, I can tell you that the The Hills is a MTV reality show that is a spin-off of another popular MTV reality show Laguna Beach. The Hills apparently documents the trials, tribulations, free clinic visits and shoe-shopping sprees of one Lauren “L.C.” Conrad. Pratt apparently has a place on the show because he is the boyfriend/fiance of Conrad’s roommate, Heidi Montag. Do you even care about these rich people and the show documenting their lives? And did Pratt the Prat get so caught up on having every single mudane moment of his life (brush teeth, wear socks, feed dog, buy milk, fuck
Brazilian hottie, visit dentist) that he ended up recording parts of his sex life as well? Sheesh, dude, sometimes you have to turn the camera off.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills, Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Laguna Beach

First Ugly Betty, now Dirty, Sexy, Money. The new ABC show will feature famed transsexual actress Candis Cayne in a reoccurring role. Cayne plays Carmelita, a transsexual who is having a affair with married US Senator Patrick Darling (played by William Baldwin), who believes that this relationship with Carmelita could hurt his chances of becoming the next President of the United States. Based on casting of Billy Baldwin as a senator leads us to believe this show is a comedy. But anyway, kudos to Cayne who was born Brendan McDaniel and began transitioning in 1996.

If DSM proves to be a hit, we’ve learned of some additional shows in development at ABC featuring transsexual men and women.

Everybody Loves Ronald - The craziness never stops for successful weatherman Ronald Namone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, two goofy step kids and some nosey neighbors. Hilarity ensues when Ronald reveals he was not only born a woman (Rachael Nussbaum) but is also Jewish to boot.

Webster - Updated for the new millennium from the classic 80’s sitcom. The post-retirement season is suddenly disrupted for ex-football player George and his wife Katherine when Webster, the orphaned transgendered son of a former teammate, moves in. Laughter, life lessons and plenty of workin’ it in every episode.

Two Half Men - An uptight male to female chiropractor (Alissa) who recently had gender reassignment surgery moves in with her pre-opp female to male sister (Charlie). Will Charlie every pick a surgery date and will Alissa ever stop nagging about the dishes in the sink? Tune in to find out.

ABC, William Baldwin, Candis Cayne, Dirty Sexy Money

What a day for celebrity junk! Now these two news items are completely unrelated but they’re almost ying and yang twins of each other and deserve to be reported in the same story.

First, not to be upstaged by the woman herself, Britney Spears vagina also made a comeback Sunday night in Vegas. Like its owner, the vagina was looking a little puffy and worn out however did not feel the need to don hair extensions or lip sync through a performance.

Thanks Perez Hilton for the censored image but if you want to see the full on nasty it’s right here.

Looks like Madonna is going to show Guy Ritchie what if feels like for a girl. Seen leaving London hotspot Claridges restaurant after celebrating Guys’ 39th birthday, Madonna seems to be having a Lock, Stock and one smoking barrel of a good time carrying her baby’s secret - a purple penatrator dildo. (link not safe for work)


From the Daily Mail:

By the way Madonna is carrying the gift - unusually in a transparent bag - as the couple leave the Mayfair hotel and restaurant, one might assume that Guy had refused to be seen leaving with it. And the singer clearly relished that point as she flashed a broad smile to photographers who she must have known laid in wait since they had followed her earlier from the family home.

Heh, so the moral of this story is Madonna continues to be awesome and Britney continues to be awesomely good at being a living, breathing trainwreck. But we love these two news-making divas because they make it so damn fun to write about!

Madonna, Purple Penatrator, Britney Spears, Guy Ritchie

Larry Wochowski has taken the red pill, or is it the blue pill? Whatever, half of the brother directing team that brought us The Matrix is a lot closer to completing his transition into a woman. Now known as Lana, the directing sibs made a rare public appearance.

According to Rated-M,

The duo will now just be known as “The Wachowskis”, dropping the “brothers” part of their name. It is expected that Larry, now called Lana, will actually speak to the press about this for the first time, but not until after the Speed Racer film is out. The current feeling is that his sex change could hurt the family image the Speed Racer film is going for.

It is also expected that Andy will do all the press for the Speed Racer film, with Larry/Lana staying in the background for the above reason.

Dateline NBC is still rumored to have exclusivity of Larry/Lana’s first public interview, but it has to be on his terms, not theirs.

Well I don’t know about you, but here at Trashy Celebs we think this is fan-fucking-tabulous. We hope this high-profile woman will help other trans-people to have the courage to be who they are and to not be intimidated by ignorance and prejudice. We also hope that we can still call them Trannies cause we just like saying that.

The Matrix, Trannies, Wachowski Brothers, Dateline NBC, Speed Racer