Trashy Celebs

I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend or anything, but I do have this sudden urge to go out and buy some Italian underwear. Why is that, you weird Trash Talker? Well, my friends, I think you all will be standing behind me in line once you get a look at the new pictures of David Beckham taken for Emporio Armani:

Picture via People magazine

And Beckham is famous primarily for playing soccer? (Football, if you are reading this from outside the United States.) Does anyone even watch him play soccer anymore, since he is usually, you know, not playing in (only) his fancy Italian underwear.

And of course, we all know that David Beckham is a purely beautiful physical specimen of a human being. But what is up with those poses? Reminds me of the black and white shots of buff mostly naked guys I would see hanging in gay bars back in the early 1990s (or in some small towns, still today.) Can’t get any more creative than reclining on a bed? Hey, at least it’s not a picture of him fixing a car.

Oh the weather outside is frightful and when that happens we like nothing better than to cozy up on the couch and watch some skin slap around. No, not super obese people working out (although The Biggest Loser is a guilty pleasure), I’m talking porn.

The first thing we found combines porn with one of our favorite shows - The Office. Yes it’s the creatively named XXX Office Porn. All those alt.sex.stories newsgroups (those still exist don’t they?) come to life as Jim and Pam hook up for real in a fake office setting.

The boss may be Michelle instead of Michael and favorite Office joke “That’s what she said,” may be used adnauseum but all your favorite’s are sort of represented in a skankier, more well-endowed way. We’re just wondering if the actors look at the camera and shrug if someone shoots their load too soon.

Anyway if you prefer your porn without a hint of sarcasim and eerie familiarity, check out PETA’s supposedly yanked (heh) superbowl ad.

So according to them it’s not ok to wear fur but it’s just fine to diddle yourself with a stalk of broccoli for a televised audience of 500 gazillion people? nice!

We’re kind of not buying that this was ever going to be shown but instead was created to be rejected. PETA is getting a lot more publicity from bloggers like us posting this smut vs. a bunch of drunk folks wondering why models are making a tit salad during the fourth quarter. And I don’t know if vegetarians have better sex but I do know they don’t eat chicken wings and them thangs are good!

Hey all you other parents out there, you have officially been outdone. Yesterday was truly one of the most historic days in the history of the US. Sure there was that whole Barack Obama being sworn in as the first African American President along with being all kinds of an awesome guy (with a hot, brilliant wife to boot). But yesterday they became the most awesomest parents EVER (if you’re a tween girl).

That’s because, while the Obamas were shakin’ they’re groove thang all over D.C., they gave a very special “First Night In the White House Gift” to daughters Malia and Sasha. The girls to invite over a couple of friends for an exclusive home screening of High School Musical 3 and Bolt.

But it didn’t end with Zac Effron’s dreamy locks on the presidental flat screen. No, the girls were then given a White House scavenger hunt to complete, in an effort to familiarize them with their new home. And get this. At the end of Malia and Sasha’s scavenger late-night hunt, they opened a door to discover their favorite musical performers:The Jonas Brothers— the pop boy band sensation who first exploded on the Disney Channel and also appeared earlier this week at the Kids’ Inaugural Concert.

Damn! When we had scavenger hunts as a kid all we got where red balls attached to cheap paddles with a breakable rubber band.

In other Inaugural news, the party didn’t end with the balls. Reportedly the Obamas hosted an exclusive late night gathering at the White House after coming home from dancing at ten balls.

The party was intended for very close Obama friends and family and was scheduled between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Invitees were told the Obamas’ may not show. But they did. Michelle reportedly had had it and cut out early but Obama stayed to hang with Oprah and a bunch of other people who aren’t as famous as Oprah.

Among those present:

Oprah Winfrey
Valerie Jarrett
David Axelrod
Mayor Daley
Craig Robinson
Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.)
Rep. Melissa Bean (D-Ill.)
Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.)
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill.)
Rep. Artur Davis (D-Alabama)

I bet everyone out there hasn’t been thinking much about how the problems with the economy have affected Hollywood, particularly movie and television stars. Even worse, I bet none of you have considered how the Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. (I am sure that this should not make me think of Henry Winkler and Happy Days.) Have you considered the famous, rich people? And you thought about the movie stars? I admit, I had not. I was mostly worried about the non-profits and the foundations that lost their entire endowments. How could I have been so inconsiderate?

But here is a celebrity brave enough to come forward with his tragic story. Kevin Bacon and his wife, actress Kyra Sedgewick were among the celebrities taken in by Bernie and his crazy-ass investment scheme. Everybody, you better keep watching The Closer because Kyra is the only one bringin’ home the bacon these days (haw haw haw.)

Wow. All I can say is wow. See if you can say any other word after taking a look at the first release from American Idol cast off (was it two seasons ago?) Sanjaya Malakar. I can’t decide if the album cover itself was inspired by my third grade Trapper Keeper notebook, Bob Marley’s vomit or the Saved by the Bell graphics.

Sanjaya, who would apparently dance to the music in his head rather than listen to his own album, is dropping this bomb on January 20th. If the cover itself doesn’t scare you away, take a listen to one of the tracks called Quintessential Lullaby. And if you’d prefer to dance to the music in your own head rather than listen to this track it’s probably for the best since it sounds like a plate of leftover Indian food gang banging a poor man’s Jesse Mccartney. Not pretty son.

Fresh off the news that he’ll be contributing to the soundtrack of the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. biopick, Kanye West spewed some R.I.Diculous crap. While singing praises about Beyoncé Knowles, West said “she is just as great, if not greater, than artists we had in the past…she’s probably greater than Tina Turner.”

Kanye went further by calling Beyoncé a legend: “Nobody really wants to recognize that Beyoncé is a fucking living legend.” Uhh, exqueese me? Tina F’in Turner? Dude, this is really ill-timed because we saw some pics online today of the 69 year-old original Private Dancer and she is way fiercer than Ms. Sasha Fierce (the title of Beyoncé’s new album for those of you who don’t know. C’mon keep up.)

Check out Ms. Turner performing at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. Damn! She broke out the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome outfit and can put an young drag queen to shame.

We just wish she would have chosen to come back to her hometown of St. Louis on this tour because we’d so see her over Beyoncé any day.

Okay, so I don’t watch Gossip Girl and I barely even know who some of the actors in the show are (I think I have made fun of Chace Crawford at some point.) And reading the description makes me sort of nostalgic for the show the networks never gave a chance to, my beloved Reunion. (Yes, it was a piece of crap show but it was a fun piece of crap show and I will NEVER find out the identity of the murderer or why it took place.) But even though I haven’t seen Gossip Girl up until this point, I wonder if I might start. Because check out this promos, people. If these don’t lead SOME tight-assed group to tell me that I shouldn’t be watching, then color me stunned.

That is an awful lot of beautiful teenagers doing an awful lot of stuff that people don’t like to think about teenagers doing. That ought to make the show a huge hit, and all the young actors starring in it will certainly be future trashy celebrities. Watch this space!

And. it. was. so. awesome.

Kate Winslet, Radiohead

Holy Crap! I had no idea idea just how much money is involved with being a child star and Disney tween-audience robot these days! Apparently Miley Cyrus is officially the richest child in the world due to the success of her Disney television show Hannah Montana. And according to People she will be worth one billion real live American dollars by the time she is 18 in three years. That’s a lot of double cheeseburgers off the McDonald’s Value Menu, people!

So Miley needs to tell all those people giving her a hard time about the Vanity Fair photos to suck it long and suck it hard because pretty soon she’s gonna own everything, including The Disney Channel, all media publications, a house in every state (two in Montana), five school buses, a restaurant, 100 flat screen televisions, a professional baseball team, a herd of pugs, a pony, and your lawn mower. No more achy breaky hearts in the Cyrus family!

Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus

So I guess with everything going on with Britney Spears and the custody battle and the media attention and the court dates has pushed Kevin Federline toward some stress-eating. The former backup dancer who used to spend a lot of time without his shirt on is now apparently, uh, having to buy some bigger shirts.

source

Wow. I mean, sure that isn’t the most flattering picture of the Fed-Ex but boy has definitely let himself go. I mean, I know we all have heard of and experienced relationship-ass (you know, that time when you get into a relationship and start gaining weight because you are all comfortable and happy and spending a lot of time eating in restaurants.) But it seems like The Feder-dine has developed the opposite …. the lack-of-relationship ass. Better cut back on the beer, son, and do a little more dancing. And for the love of God, get rid of that haircut. It looked ridiculous when you first got it but it looks even stupider when you’re wearing khakis and an ill-fitting golf shirt. Sheesh.

Kevin Federline, Britney Spears

Well there’s not a whole heck of a lot going on in celeb land today. We’re guessing they’re still nursing Oscar hangovers. But while other celebs are laying low, Madonna is always up to something.

On the topics of Oscars, Madage decided to cowboy up when Vanity Fair pussed out of their usual A list party. Madonna hosted a spectacular gathering at her manager Guy Oseary’s Westside Hills home Sunday night that drew Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, fresh-out-of-rehab Eva Mendes, Owen Wilson, Christian Slater, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi (who came from Elton John’s fund-raiser), Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. Damn!

According to Maddonnalicious, “‘There were Le Tourment Vert absinthe fountains flowing all night - it was insane,’ said one partygoer. ‘Diddy grabbed the mike rallying everyone to dance. Elton John and David Furnish were getting down,’ said our source. By midnight, everyone had siphoned off to Prince’s $15 million Beverly Park mansion, where the Klipsch-sponsored bash continued until 6 in the morning.”

Shit, I’d try and become famous just to attend something like that. But me thinks no matter what I do, I won’t ever be cool enough to hang with Madonna and Prince. That’s ok though, I’d be content playing Guitar Hero with Ellen Page and Diablo Cody.

In other Madonna goodness, the goddess will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on March 10th, and none other than Justin Timberlake will do the honors. The two collaborated on several songs for Madonna’s forthcoming album called Hard Candy which will drop April 29th. The lead single, 4 Minutes To Save The World featuring JT, will be out at the end of March. Soo there.

Ms. Madonna has been busy putting the final touches on her forthcoming album, due in stores April 29th. But that’s way off. Madge has been putting on her blasphemous thinking cap for her upcoming world tour. Reportedly, a performance of “Papa Don’t Preach” will be remixed to a dancehall beat, in which the singer will don a slutty, Gaultier-designed Mother Theresa habit, then proceed to be simulated-gang-banged by a group of background dancers outfitted as Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, and Martin Luther King. It’s like Christmas, Passover, Ramadan and MLK day in one!

For an encore Madonna plans to sodomize Guy Fox, Gandhi and John Quincy Adams on a May Pole.

But that’s not all. Madonna also just finished shooting a video from her album formerly not known as Licorice.

The Queen of Pop’s latest transformation will see her don a dominatrix-style latex catsuit in a raunchier-than-ever video for new single 4 Minutes To Save The World.

We can reveal that in the promo Madge plays - wait for it - a pimp who rescues the planet in an impressive 240 seconds.

Justin Timberlake and US producer Timbaland play her bitches.

In the sexually charged video, Madge cracks the whip and gets her slaves, Justin and Timbaland, to do whatever she wants as she towers over their quivering bodies in killer heels.

Ohh, we may need to take the day off work when that video comes out for a little special alone time. But that’s not all the Madonna news, No!

Also reported this week is that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have been making plans to renew their wedding vows. The couple have decided that a summer ceremony will be the perfect way to put an end to rumors that their marriage is on the rocks.

“Renewing their vows is the one way Guy and Madonna can show the world they are strong,” a source told the News of the World. “They’ve worked hard to iron out their differences to get through the tough times.

“It’s going to be a very emotional day and that’s why they want the people who are closest to them to share it with them.” The newspaper claims that only close family and friends will be invited to the service, which is expected to take place at the couple’s home in Wiltshire.

No reports yet as to who gets to wear the purple penatrator.

Since there’s just not a whole lot going on in the world of celeb gossip, it’s time for a couple of pimped out videos. First up is a scene from Tuesday’s A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. If you’re not watching this show you are missing out my friends. Tila Tequila is famous for being famous a’la showing some flesh on myspace thus getting an MTV reality show. On A Shot at Love, contestants battle it out for Tila’s attention. The catch is Tila declared she’s “a bisexual” thus half the contestants are male and half are female. Even from the beginning I spotted two or three actual lesbians on the female team and somehow one of the three finalist is one of said Lesbos.

Anyway on Tuesday’s show, Tila went to visit the remaining contestant’s families and preformed a lap dance for cute and dykey Dani’s grandma. See it and believe it.

My cousin, who is also a fan of bad reality television told me over thanksgiving dinner that she is also a fan of this show. So now I don’t feel so bad watching it since she just got into Phi Beta Kappa national honor society. My tastes are now validated, thanks Tova!

Also in our internet travels of the day we discovered this amazing new video from Snoop Dogg. It’s like the videos for Little Red Corvette and I Ran So Far Away had a gang bang with 1983 and the Japanese chairman of Iron Chef. Hot!

Excuse me, I’m now in the mood to make whoopie so I must be leaving this post prematurely.

Snoop Dogg, Tila Tequila, MTV, Little Red Corvette

We are not the writers who are on strike, so your regularly scheduled snark will return next week. In the meantime, Vanessa Williams. Hot damn! Someone get me some water!

Kate Winslet, Vanessa Williams

Last night Madonna’s career was like a virgin as she announced a groundbreaking record deal with concert promoters Live Nation. Reported to be worth 120 million dollars over 10 years, the material girl will be getting into the groove well into her geritol years. Madonna will become Live Nation’s founding star in its Artist Nation division and will cement her status as the world’s highest paid female singer, giving her a true blue mix of cash and stock.

In return for Madge’s generosity of lending her voice, Live Nation was burning up at the opportunity to own and cherish the rights to three studio albums as well as the right to promote concert tours, sell merchandise and license Madonna’s name.

Commenting on last night’s deal the Queen herself spoketh and saidith:

“The paradigm in the music business has shifted and as an artist and a business woman, I have to move with that shift. For the first time in my career, the way that my music can reach my fans is unlimited. I’ve never wanted to think in a limited way and with this new partnership, the possibilities are endless. Who knows how my albums will be distributed in the future? That’s what’s exciting about this deal — everything is possible. Live Nation has offered me a true partnership and after 25 years in the business, I feel that I deserve that.�?

So does that mean you the fan will be able to express yourself and decide what you want to pay for her new material? And speaking of which, what about her new album with her current label that was suppose to come out late this year? Well, don’t get all hung up on the details sister! Ester wasn’t going to leave us hanging on that issue either. Said Madonna “My time with Warner Bros. Records has been great. I appreciate their hard work and value the many relationships I have developed over the years with the label in the U.S. and around the world. I have an album coming out with them next year and I’m excited about it. We still have work to do together.”

Yay, even if she’s kind of a corporate whore, we thank our lucky stars that Madonna music will continue to be in vouge for at least another decade.

Btw, if you were keeping track, I mentioned 11 Madonna songs in this article. Can you spot them all?

Madonna, Live Nation, Warner Brothers