Trashy Celebs

Well one cat in particular. According to the New York Post, Project Runway finalist Kenley Collins was arrested yesterday morning after assaulting her fiance with their cat. Yes, you read correct. A cat. But that crazy flapper-wannabe didn’t stop there. She went on to hurl a laptop and three apples at the dude as well.

After that mondo shitfit, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon of meows destruction. Wha, whaa.

“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.”Fights happen, And that’s that. There is no case,” the d-bag maximus went on to say.

According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.

Neighbors said the couple had been fighting for weeks. And we’re guessing this spells the end of the relationship. What we’re also wondering is how the cat is doing? I know our cats prefer to be a weapon of choice but only when it’s their idea. Our calico is quite bitey.

We’re also wondering if Kenley was using the cat to create a master race of evil Laser Cats as so demonstrated in the video below.

In other, totally unrelated cat bummer news, a friend at work sent me this site for Kitty Wigs.

So just in case your cat wants to explore it’s Lil’ Kim side, you can rest easy knowing there’s a hair piece for him.

So I was checking out CNN.com earlier today and there was a headline that caught my eye. (Isn’t that what headlines are supposed to do? Catch your eye? Well this one worked.) All it said was: Michael Jackson to make an announcement. Well, now THAT is specific.

I clicked on the link because I had to know how there was a story behind this. How could it be more than just a headline, just a sentence, just a sentence fragment, even? Are there paragraphs involved? Was a fact-checker involved? Did it have to be rewritten more than once?

Turns out that news about upcoming news is actually news, involving eight paragraphs, albeit, many repeating rumors that Jackson was going to announce concert dates, his first since the big ugly child molestation charge. No surprise, since his financial troubles are well-documented and everyone knows he almost lost Neverland Ranch. (And when was the last time he was even at Neverland Ranch?)

Would you see Michael Jackson in concert if you had a chance? Yeah, I probably would, just to see if he’s still got it despite all the controversy and his increasing crazypantsness. And with the hope that he would focus on the awesome songs from Thriller and Bad maybe some old songs from the Jackson 5 days, and did not perform “Man in the Mirror,” because, shut up, Michael Jackson. But the chance to hear “Billie Jean,” “Pretty Young Thing,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Dirty Diana,” well hell yeah, I’d go and buy the t-shirt too!

Pamela Anderson is a big freakin’ mess. I can’t even say hot mess, because while she was probably once considered hot, she isn’t anymore, and my best comparison is to a plate of spicy nachos that has been sitting on the coffee table too long …… lukewarm, crusty, hardened, and with some random cat hair stuck to it.

I know she didn’t necessarily pick this outfit, because this is part of some Richie Rich fashion show, or wait, I mean “fashion show,” because I see no actual believable fashion here. But then again, I have seen some crazy-ass shit churned out on Project Runway and on the red carpet at the Academy Awards, so what the hell do I know about fashion? But I do know a mess when I see one, and Pamela Anderson, I see you!

Oh good lord, who didn’t see this one coming? The New York Post is reporting that Amy Fisher is hitting the pole. If you weren’t paying much attention to anything in 1992, Amy is also known as the “Long Island Lolita” who went to prison for shooting her gross auto mechanic boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head.

Capitalizing on her slutastic self, Amy has recently started a porn Web site featuring her 34 year old lady lumps, and- plans to tour the country as a high-paid stripper. Sez Amy, “I love to dance, and I’m an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.’ ”

Uh, I think everyone is saying that right now. When I first heard about this, I thought about all those awesome made for TV movies that came out around the time of the trial. It seemed every network and not just FOX felt the need to create a dramatic reenactment of these Long Island Hoosier’s stories.

I don’t think I watched one all the way through since I was too busy fermenting fruit in grain alcohol and Hawiian Punch in my dorm room at the time, but I do remember Saturday Night Live doing an awesome parody of the whole thing. Throughout the show, SNL showed how different networks would depict the story. I remember one had Tori Spelling as Amy Fisher with Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco. But the very best one of the night was B.E.T’s version called Amy Fisher: One Messed up Bitch. Check it below, Chris Rock makes and awesome Mary Jo (I have no idea why whoever posted this on you tube felt the need to tack on a Knots Landing ad but whatevs). btw, I couldn’t embed, so click the image to see it.

I had totally planned on liveblogging the Grammy Awards broadcast tonight, because we do love awards shows here in the Trash Talking household, because we love grousing like old folks about how we don’t even know most of the music that is popular today and what we do hear occasionally when we turn off our Madonna/Radiohead-filled iPods just sucks royally. (Really, I thought that “I Kissed a Girl” song was sort of fun at first, but enough already, Katy Perry.) But I tuned in, folks, about 45 minutes after the show started because I hate sitting through the commercials, and I have to say, about three minutes in, I was bored out of my mind. U2 was performing their craptacular new song, and I thought if that was the big start, then where would we be going from there? I mean, I like U2, but Bono will show up anywhere to promote his newhaircut, let alone a new album, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me that they opened the show.

But once I saw Whitney Houston, I had to stick with it, to see how big the bucket of crazy she would dump on the stage would be. (Outcome: pretty big. And she clearly was metaphorically kissing Clive Davis’ ass while she had the stage and a mic. Clive, get her a record contract already!)

I was super-happy that Jennifer Hudson won, but why didn’t she take off the bib from her lobster dinner before accepting her award?

I was sucked in at this point, and stuck with it. Some highlighted moments of outrage included watching Justin Timberlake totally cock-block Al Green’s big number (with three of the four Boys II Men singing backup), seeing the Jonas Brothers perform trip all over my favorite Stevie Wonder song “Superstitious,” (and can only figure that they didn’t tell him who he was performing with), Katy Perry channeling 1993-Madonna, Natalie Cole’s dress, Jack Black’s hat, Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo’s douche-off, and Radiohead NOT winning Album of the Year (WTF???? Injustice!)

Some actual pleasant highlights included a performance from Carrie Underwood that I liked, Jennifer Hudson’s understated, emotional and absolutely beautiful performance, Kanye West’s Gerald LeVert haircut, a big girl winning Best New Artist, Queen Latifah doing anything, MIA performing when she appears within moments of giving birth, Cyndi Lauper’s hairstyle, RADIOHEAD’s performance of “15 Steps” with the USC Marching Band (and what sort of mindfuck was it that Gwyneth Paltrow introduced them? She must want her husband to be Thom York as much as Chris Martin himself wants to be Thom York), T-Pain’s hat, and Lil’ Wayne’s clear and concise acceptance speech.

That’s the Grammys this year folks, as always a few highlights but mostly a three and a half hour bowl of suck. See you next year for more of the same!

Heavens to Mergatroid! Ashton Kutcher was forced to get out of bed at the ungodly hour of seven thirty am because of construction at his neighbor’s house. Unlike most of us who would just roll over and try to go back to sleep or do the unthinkable like get up at a normal time, Kooch grabbed his camera and went on a little hissy-poo fit calling his neighbor a jackass and dickweed. NIce!

This is my porch! Ohh, dem’s fighten’ words!

According to TMZ, the man who is building the house that caused Ashton Kutcher to melt down says the actor is acting “silly.” Especially because the city of L.A. allows him to start construction at 7:00 AM, and that Ashton “just doesn’t want to deal with reality.” The neighbor says Ashton, who called him a “dickweed,” a “jackass” and “owl feces cougar placenta,” is “out of line.” He also finds it somewhat ironic that the house Kutcher lives in was built over a ten year period and neighbors had to deal with the noise.

He adds Kutcher has been pleasant in the past but has complained, with Goldsmith telling him he “can’t do anything about the noise.” He’s been building the house for six months.

Apparently Koochmesiter felt bad for being a little bitch or took a nap because later in the day he puked this apology video up on you tube. We semi paid attention to it as he tries to convince us that he’s working on being more tolerant of his neighbors and has a mushy conversation with Demi over the phone.

whatever.

We here at Trashy Celebs are indeed fans of the Bravo show Top Chef. We like food and we like to cook and we like to sit down to dinner and watch the show. And sure, we like the host of the show, Padma Lakshmi, because she is beautiful (and how!) and she also likes food and she likes to talk about food. We also suspect that she must be stoned a lot to be able to eat all that food, but I digress.

But what we don’t understand about Padma is her thing for older men with rather large heads. I mean, she was married for years to Salman Rushdie (and I always figured that was for the excitement and danger, what with the fatwa and all). And now she is stepping out with billionaire Ted Forstman. The two claim they aren’t dating, but hey, she took him as her plus one to the Emmy awards (see picture above) and in Hollywood, that is the same as taking someone to your favorite cousin’s wedding. So yeah, totally doing it with another rich old guy. Go Padma!

So it’s the middle of the workday in the middle of the week. At least it’s not Monday right? All the stress and awkwardness of the Thanksgiving holiday has probably lulled you into a non-tryptophan inspired blank stare as you trudge through your day, trying to remember if you’ve gave your mother-in-law that funny yet sentimental kitten needle point three-Christmases ago because it just happens to be 35% off on Amazon if you buy it bundled with Josh Groban’s holiday CD. No? Just me?

Well anyway, just to make sure your tolerance for mild to medium irritation hasn’t been lowered, check out the below clip of Richard Simmons prepping Macy’s employees for black Friday. I’m really surprised the people in the video didn’t prepare and deliver Simmons to black and blue Saturday.

What you may not have know about Ryan Reynolds: apparently he is a runner. A long-distance runner, in fact, one of those crazy-ass people who runs marathons. I don’t even like to drive 26 miles, let alone run that far. But he ran in the New York City Marathon this past weekend, and apparently finished in a respectable three hours and 50 minutes. Or I guess that is respectable. What do I know?

I have a good friend that is a distance runner and she ran a half marathon this weekend. The Trash Talkers met up with her for breakfast after her run (which I slept through, because I am not that good of a friend) and she said it hurt more than anything else she’s done in her life. And I could only yell THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP? If something hurts that bad, STOP. I mean, the only think I can think of that you can’t stop doing even though it hurts more than anything is childbirth, and even then you can get an epidural if you play your cards right. The only thing my friend got from her ordeal is the complete justification of ordering a huge friggin’ breakfast. I had some 2% organic chocolate milk and felt guilty about that.

But back to Ryan Reynolds …. what the news isn’t telling you is that the only reason he finished and with such a good time is because Alanis Morissette was chasing him. ::rimshot:: Okay, that joke was a lot funnier in my head. So congrats to Ryan Reynolds for running a marathon and congrats to my friend JKo for both running the half marathon and eating the hell out of that stack of pumpkin pancakes. The Trash Talkers are proud of you.

Besides your mom. Well that I know of. Crazy-eyed actor Gary Busey admitted to a low, low point in his life when he when he found himself snorting cocaine off his dog.

Busey who claims he has been sober for 13 years, couldn’t help himself when his dog got into stash and rolled in a supply of the drug. So what’s a bat-shit crazy dude to do? Well according to Access Hollywood, Busey “went in like a cropduster with my nose flying first and snorted the cocaine off the dog.”

But he got more than he bargained for: “You get a little bugs, you get little hairs, you get grease and goo from the ground; it’s not at all a healthy thing to do. But when you’re an addict, you don’t think of health, you think about destruction of yourself unconsciously.” Ew.

So now that the doggie nose candy event is out in the open, it begs the question “What else had Gary Busey snorted coke off of?” Lucky for you we just happen to have a list.

-Gary Sinise. In an attempt to align their Garyness chi, some crazy shit went down.

-A giant Mayor McCheese on a McDonalds Playland in Missoula, Montana. Because why not?

-His own wiener. This led to a stint in rehab and a stint in physical therapy

-A beta tape of DC Cab.

-Ryan Seacrest’s interview with Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney.

-The gerbil from those Richard Gere rumors.

-A fleeting assemblance of sanity.

-His cat.

No one is going to argue with me on this one, are you? Two creepy male celebrities (or, you might argue, one creepy guy and one sad-and-now-creepy guy) and two older legends of entertainment who are now just fodder for the tabloids. Sad, isn’t it? And still, I can’t help but think that this picture has been blow up to wall size and is hanging on some cell walls in Guantanamo Bay. Torture isn’t just physical, you know.

Just think about it though: that picture was at some point framed in Liza and David’s living room. There was a copy in their wedding album that they looked at in happier days. Elizabeth Taylor probably had a copy hanging on a bathroom wall. Michael Jackson probably even had one hanging in Bubbles’ bedroom. Then Liza had to collect them all and throw them off the roof or something. But thanks to the internet, the most terrifying celebrity photo ever taken will exist for all eternity.

Naomi Campbell really needs to stuff a sock in it. Do supermodels even wear socks? Maybe she should stick a Prada bag or a Dolce scarf or whatever it takes to shut her up. Because while she is famous for being a supermodel and for hitting people with cell phones and that is okay, but invoking one of our nation’s biggest tragedies as the reason she got arrested for being a freaking idiot on plane? That is just stupid and insensitive. Sure, I get irritated when I have to take my shoes off to go through security in the airport, but I don’t invoke 911! I blame misdirected panic and ineffective security policies for that. And let me point out that when asked to remove my shoes, I don’t spit at the individuals asking me to do so. Most importantly, because it is gross and wrong, and also because I don’t have lots of money and lawyers who will keep me from ending p at Guantanamo Bay.

I only wish I had kids who could idolize and imitate her!

Elton John and Lily Allen Clash at Awards Show

A visibly tipsy Lily Allen got into a profanity-laced verbal spat with Elton John onstage as the two hosted the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London Tuesday night.

As Allen introduced a segment as a “very special point in the evening,” according to the The Times of London, John questioned: “What, you are going to have another drink?”

In front of an audience that included Gordon Ramsay, producer Mark Ronson (brother of Samantha) and London mayor Boris Johnson, the 23-year-old pop star shot back, “F— off Elton, I’m 40 years younger than you. I have my whole life ahead of me.” To which the 61-year-old John replied, “I could still snort you under the table.”

Allen followed the exchange with a crude ad lib when 82-year-old Tony Bennett was presented with the night’s Inspiration Award. As John introduced Bennett, pointing out his age, Allen broke in, declaring: “I’ll still [have sex with] him.”

SOMEbody may have made this up, but it wasn’t me. I mean, I have, on occasion, been told that I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, but even my mind wouldn’t have come up with this one. Even my mind after I have watched a Jackass marathon and a John Waters film festival. Never never. Never.

People. People! PEOPLE! Are you ready for this? Are you ready? You probably aren’t ready for this, but I have to tell you anyway. The Mirror is reporting that the King of (Skeevy) Pop, Michael Jackson, is dating the Queen of (Skeevy) Short-Term relationships, Pamela Anderson. Yes! You heard me! YES! Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson? WTF?????

Does that not make you want to take a shower? Scrub really hard with lots of hot water? I mean, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were kind of gross because of that sex tape that got “stolen” and released, because, ew! And then she was married to Kid Rock for like 15 minutes (and in multiple weddings, like they were on some sort of wedding tour), and he was a huge douche and divorced her because she was in Borat. And then there was that seven minute marriage to Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds. But Michael Jackson? For real? I mean, Tommy Lee is covered in tats and both he and Kid Rock look like they shower maybe once every couple of weeks. But Michael Jackson has the sort of filthy film that doesn’t wash off.

In case you’re bummed about the holiday weekend being over and are sitting there wishing it was Friday, I have the perfect cure. OLSEN TWINS DANCE PARTY! They do it all the different ways.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea or would let their kids do these skankalicious moves? I’ll bet this video can be held personally responsible for skinny jeans and middle school blow jobs. I know that’s gross but I’m just saying.