Trashy Celebs

So the evening of the gay superbowl is upon us - The Oscars. Once again, I pledged to see all the films nominated for best picture and managed to see a whooping one. So now we’re sitting here laptop in hand waiting for something (anything!) interesting to happen.

-Consensus from around the room is that the opening number is dumb. Really dumb.

-We realize watching this in high-def isn’t the best ideas since we can see spit bubbles building up in the corner of Hugh Jackman’s mouth. Gross.

-My friend Holli wants to know if Goldie Hawn won an Oscar for Overboard. Actually, Goldie is out to prove that her breasts are still relevant.

-Tina Fey! Tina Fey! We thought this night would be without you Tina Fey since those academy bastards didn’t nominate Baby Mama for anything but at least they wised up and had you on this broadcast.

-Jennifer Aniston is trying hard not to give Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie the stink-eye. Opps

-Sarah Jessica Parker brought her golden globes to the Oscars. How awkward.

-Anthony Dod Mantle has Slumdog 90s hair.

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So Katy Perry packed up her one hit and traveled overseas to the Brit Awards where she was the winner of the “Best International Female” honor. But the excitement must have been a little too much for her because supposedly right after walking offstage with her little British statue, she puked her annoying American guts. I wonder what happened? Did she hear her own song AGAIN? Did she have yet another annoying interviewer ask to kiss her? Did she read on the gossip columns that the internets think she is dating Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds? Or was she just doing what ever she could to stretch her 15 annoying minutes of fame out a little bit longer? Yes, I admit that “I Kissed a Girl” was catchy, for about five minutes, but I have since deleted it from my iPod and wouldn’t mind if I never heard it again.

I had totally planned on liveblogging the Grammy Awards broadcast tonight, because we do love awards shows here in the Trash Talking household, because we love grousing like old folks about how we don’t even know most of the music that is popular today and what we do hear occasionally when we turn off our Madonna/Radiohead-filled iPods just sucks royally. (Really, I thought that “I Kissed a Girl” song was sort of fun at first, but enough already, Katy Perry.) But I tuned in, folks, about 45 minutes after the show started because I hate sitting through the commercials, and I have to say, about three minutes in, I was bored out of my mind. U2 was performing their craptacular new song, and I thought if that was the big start, then where would we be going from there? I mean, I like U2, but Bono will show up anywhere to promote his newhaircut, let alone a new album, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me that they opened the show.

But once I saw Whitney Houston, I had to stick with it, to see how big the bucket of crazy she would dump on the stage would be. (Outcome: pretty big. And she clearly was metaphorically kissing Clive Davis’ ass while she had the stage and a mic. Clive, get her a record contract already!)

I was super-happy that Jennifer Hudson won, but why didn’t she take off the bib from her lobster dinner before accepting her award?

I was sucked in at this point, and stuck with it. Some highlighted moments of outrage included watching Justin Timberlake totally cock-block Al Green’s big number (with three of the four Boys II Men singing backup), seeing the Jonas Brothers perform trip all over my favorite Stevie Wonder song “Superstitious,” (and can only figure that they didn’t tell him who he was performing with), Katy Perry channeling 1993-Madonna, Natalie Cole’s dress, Jack Black’s hat, Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo’s douche-off, and Radiohead NOT winning Album of the Year (WTF???? Injustice!)

Some actual pleasant highlights included a performance from Carrie Underwood that I liked, Jennifer Hudson’s understated, emotional and absolutely beautiful performance, Kanye West’s Gerald LeVert haircut, a big girl winning Best New Artist, Queen Latifah doing anything, MIA performing when she appears within moments of giving birth, Cyndi Lauper’s hairstyle, RADIOHEAD’s performance of “15 Steps” with the USC Marching Band (and what sort of mindfuck was it that Gwyneth Paltrow introduced them? She must want her husband to be Thom York as much as Chris Martin himself wants to be Thom York), T-Pain’s hat, and Lil’ Wayne’s clear and concise acceptance speech.

That’s the Grammys this year folks, as always a few highlights but mostly a three and a half hour bowl of suck. See you next year for more of the same!

How in the world did Joey Fatone go from singing the lower registers and being ignored in favor of Justin Timberlake as a member of ‘NSync to interviewing defenseless celebrities at various red carpet events? And are there no workshops or classes that people like him could be required to take before they interview? Some certification? Interview CPR? Like parenting classes or driving school? Because, come on, the following interview with James Franco before this past Sunday’s SAG Awards, is squirm-worthy.

I mean, I know these interviews are fluff questions and such, but could Fatone not come up with any better question than “Was it difficult playing a homosexual?” Because not only is that question offensive to Franco and homosexuals everywhere, it is also played out and cliche. You almost expected the follow-up question to be “You kissed Sean Penn on the mouth, ew!” Which of course, is not a question. At least he didn’t follow up the stupid question with “Hey, I know Lance Bass!”

Live from Selma Hayek’s and Jennifer Lopez’s cleavage it’s the 66th annual Golden Globe Awards. We’re starting late but thanks to our DVR we can speed through this mess to the good parts.

Amy - And J. Lo jumps right into it with breast.. I mean best supporting actress is Kate Winslet for The Reader. And damn she look good but her husband looks scratchy.

Lori- Sting. Ick! This is the year people need to shave. Peter Gabriel also needs to shave.

Amy - Clint Eastwood’s wife is checking her facebook status on her iPhone.

Lori - It’s also the year of technical difficulties since the lights went on and off. Oh man Rumor Willis got the genomic backwash of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.

Amy - Don’t serve Jeremy Piven the tuna, his delicate ecosystem can’t handle it.

Lori - Paul Giamatti’s mutton chops are angry. He also needs to shave.

Lori- Aww Drew Barrymore’s who did you just fuck in the parking lot?

Amy- From the roll of toilet paper sticking out of her hair I’d say it was the janitor closet.

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I read this piece of news and I wondered if suddenly the interwebs were only reporting news from twenty years ago. But no, this is recent! Everyone’s favorite Golden Girl (c’mon, you know Dorothy Zbornak was your favorite) Bea Arthur was inducted into the TV Academy Hall of Fame this week. Just this week! 2008! C’mon, TV Academy, what the hell took you so long? This woman has had a television career spanning over 50 years and a theatre career that is even longer. She was on an episode of the TV classic Circus of the Stars (and let me tell you, I wish the networks could come up with a way of remaking that show in a way that wouldn’t suck, but you know that is in no way possible. That, and Battle of the Network Stars which has to have been some of TV’s finest hours. But I digress. But before I stop digressing, check out that photo above. I think Ms. Arthur and Mr. Norman Lear will be doing some celebrating tonight, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!)

Now I know it says in the article linked above that the Academy approached Ms. Arthur five years ago and asked her about being inducted then, but she declined, saying there were people more talented than her deserving of the honor. ACADEMY! You should not have let her get away with this crap, because not only is Dorthy Z. a great entertainer, she is humble as well. You shouldn’t have even asked, you should have just invited her to a “Golden Girls reunion event” and then surprised her with the prize. She’s a tough old broad, she could have handled it. Keep in mind, this was a woman so dedicated to entertainment that she agreed to sing in the Star Wars Holiday Special. That is dedication people. Or a raging coke habit.

Amy: Oprah wants to give television a handjob.

Lori: Why do the Emmys have such a boner for Jeremy Piven?

Amy: Tina Fey’s dress gave me a huge boner.

Lori: Zeljko Ivaneck is my new porn name. And Damages sounds like a porno anyway.

(Non-boner related: I love Ricky Gervais, in what could have been an actual funny moment, if it hadn’t had gone on so long. Also, the best part of the whole Emmy show is when they read the nominees for best writing for a variety, music, or comedy show. And if you didn’t see it, you are a dicksmack. Got the boner reference in!)

Amy: Josh Groban singing 30 television theme songs? How about 30 reasons why this will suck balls.

Lori: David Boreanaz looks like someone kicked him in the nuts. And he is on a show called Bones. These boner jokes write themselves.

Amy: This show is so boring that it has become boner-shrinking rather than boner-joke inducing.

Lori: I thought we would have written like 50 boner-related jokes by now.

Amy: I’d like to thank the Academy for making this show too lame even to make fun of with juvenile penis-related humor.

Lori: I would also like to thank our satellite television provider for sending us jumpy service rendering this show mostly unbearable to watch. Glad we are getting our gazillion dollars per month worth!

To all you readers who tuned in for the boner-related jokes, we are sorry we let you down. We will start writing now to bring you new and improved boner-related jokes for the 2009 Emmy Awards next year!

Yeah, we watched some of the Tony awards, mostly on fast forward speed three on the DVR. There were some lackluster performances from the 20 millionth revival of Grease, a reunion of the original cast of Rent and a weird Sunday’s in the Park with George performance where the lead seemed to be wearing jeans and pumas with his turn of the century jacket. But what really stopped our thumb in its tracks was seeing Liza Minnelli come out on stage. Take a look.

Yeah, so, so, SO many things going on here. So here they are the top five things that disturb us about this image.

5) The dress (suit) makes her look like a villain in the new Batman movie

4) Did she get a leg transplant cause them things is free of the varicose veinage

3) She’s so drunk she’s sober

2) Her homage to Luciano Pavarotti by wearing one of his old jackets as a dress

And the number one thing that disturbs us about this image is…

1) Old Lady Bra!

The cutie Ms. Page was wearing these to the MTV Movie Awards last night. I watched some of the show but they raped my soul of any bit of intelligent commentary that might have been lingering in my brain after a long weekend. My bad.

It’s Oscar night people, aka the gay super bowl. We’ve been drinking some sparkling wine and some malty beverages while trying to stomach 14.5 hours of E! pre-show coverage. We’ve also invited some friend’s over and bribed them with lasagna to watch the show and give us some material. And to make it even more confusing for you, we’ve included no time stamp so you can’t tell when we decided to wonder off and eat some cake or do dishes.

Pre-game: Not that we’re all about outing people but if Ryan Seacrest wants us to believe he’s straight he needs to stop referring to the color of the red carpet as “merlot.�?

Lori: Kimora Simmons is a big whore but that’s just based on her fashion suck assiness

Amy: Oh it’s time for the big opening and it’s some CRAZY CGI city that looks like Hollywood is really a bunch of movie clips living gaily together on Hollywood Blvd. And then before Jon Stewart even comes out…the sponsors!

Lori: I wonder how long he had to stand in that tube thing backstage.

Amy: Dammit Jon Stewart say something funny! Ok, he compared Javier Bardem’s haircut to Dorothy Hammil’s wedge cut. We like hair humor.

Lori: Jon’s stripper name is Olympia Dukakis. I would have thought it would be “Stephen Colbert.�?

Amy: Or Adam Sandler.

Jennifer K: The stage is kind of stupid because it looks like the Oscar statues are cryogenically frozen behind the presenters.

Lisa T: Helen Bonham Carter looks like she’s been rollin’ around with dust bunnies

Lori: Okay, we are twenty minutes in and we already have a montage … of friggin Oscar moments. You’d think they could give out a few awards before they start kissing their own asses to a Celine Dion soundtrack.

Amy: It’s like auto-fellatio.

Martina: I know this is unpopular, but I like Celine Dion!

Group: OHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO!

Lori: I admire your courage, Martina.

Amy: Anne Hathaway. She looks like her eyes gained weight, but the rest of her face lost weight.

Erika: Instead of music, they should use that guy from Showtime at the Apollo with the big hook, who dances around while everyone boos.

Lori: Why is freakin’ Norbit nominated? Makeup doesn’t “make up�? for that crappy movie.
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So the Trash Talkers have not yet had the chance to watch this years Grammy broadcast (safely stored in the DVR for now) because we had tickets last night to see the Queen of Trash Talk, Kathy Griffin.

The show was fabulous, and not only did we laugh our trash talkin’ asses off, we also got to see a couple of drunk girls tossed out of the show for trying to out trash talk Kathy F’n Griffin. Nice try stupid drunk girls. Also, the pre-show warm up music featured songs by Clay Aiken, Paul Abdul, and Britney Spears, so we knew exactly who she was probably going to talk about during her show. (And she did not let us down, comparing a certain over exposed part of Britney Spears’ anatomy with a chow tongue. Yes, she went there.) In fact, it is now my dream to someday have Kathy Griffin guest write a post for this blog. I’m not delusional, I know it will never happen, but even a Trash Talkin’ girl has dreams!

But I have to say, I wonder if even Kathy Griffin would go here:

I mean, oh my! Oh my! What happened to Aretha Franklin? What happened? Why doesn’t anybody do anything? Because, frankly, I am worried about her. She is freaking brilliant, she has a voice like nobody’s business and she can sing anything. I still remember when she performed “Nessun Dorma” at the 1998 Grammy Awards show; it totally gave me chills.

And now I am afraid all I can see is an unhealthy Aretha wearing a very ill-advised bright yellow dress with spaghetti straps. I mean, look at the picture. I’m afraid Cyndi Lauper is going to fall face first into Aretha’s chest and not be found for days. Days, people! Even with that warning flare of a hairstyle! I feel really bad even saying anything at all about it …. like I am going to end up in R&B Hell listening to Peabo Bryson or Jodeci forever. So, okay, I am not making fun of Aretha Franklin. I won’t do it. But I am worried about her … and I do think she should fire her damn stylist.

Well sort of live-blogging, I’m on time-delay. Thanks DVR. If this gets boring or turns into the PR suck-fest that was the Golden Globes, I reserve the right to fast-forward.

It seems there’s no host but as an opener they’ve let Sally Field go on some rant about falling off a cliff or something. And now they’re onto the dude who played the gay guy on Melrose Place. I have not idea why he’s there maybe he’s on Desperate Housewives. So this is turning into some pan around the room while people give touchy-feely statements as to why they heart the Screen Actor’s Guild. Suck-It writers.

Holy shit! Sandra Oh is being eaten alive by a giant pink bow. Oh that’s just her dress, my bad.

Oh, Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Damn, she looks so good I want to take her behind the middle school and get her pregnant. Ah, the good old days of NBC Thursday. We miss you so.

Best Actor in a Drama series goes to…Bear Force 1! Oh wait not, that’s James Gandolfini who keeps it short and sweet.

Out comes Debra Messing and Max from The L Word, er… Zac Effron to announce female from a drama series. Yay, Edie Falco, everyone misses The Sopranos.

Here comes outstanding ensemble in a drama series. C’mon people, there’s always a weak link. I think we already know this one..The Sopranos. And they let Paulie make the acceptance speech and he didn’t say “cocksucker” once. Paulie!
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