Trashy Celebs

It’s Oscar night people, aka the gay super bowl. We’ve been drinking some sparkling wine and some malty beverages while trying to stomach 14.5 hours of E! pre-show coverage. We’ve also invited some friend’s over and bribed them with lasagna to watch the show and give us some material. And to make it even more confusing for you, we’ve included no time stamp so you can’t tell when we decided to wonder off and eat some cake or do dishes.

Pre-game: Not that we’re all about outing people but if Ryan Seacrest wants us to believe he’s straight he needs to stop referring to the color of the red carpet as “merlot.”

Lori: Kimora Simmons is a big whore but that’s just based on her fashion suck assiness

Amy: Oh it’s time for the big opening and it’s some CRAZY CGI city that looks like Hollywood is really a bunch of movie clips living gaily together on Hollywood Blvd. And then before Jon Stewart even comes out…the sponsors!

Lori: I wonder how long he had to stand in that tube thing backstage.

Amy: Dammit Jon Stewart say something funny! Ok, he compared Javier Bardem’s haircut to Dorothy Hammil’s wedge cut. We like hair humor.

Lori: Jon’s stripper name is Olympia Dukakis. I would have thought it would be “Stephen Colbert.”

Amy: Or Adam Sandler.

Jennifer K: The stage is kind of stupid because it looks like the Oscar statues are cryogenically frozen behind the presenters.

Lisa T: Helen Bonham Carter looks like she’s been rollin’ around with dust bunnies

Lori: Okay, we are twenty minutes in and we already have a montage … of friggin Oscar moments. You’d think they could give out a few awards before they start kissing their own asses to a Celine Dion soundtrack.

Amy: It’s like auto-fellatio.

Martina: I know this is unpopular, but I like Celine Dion!

Group: OHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO!

Lori: I admire your courage, Martina.

Amy: Anne Hathaway. She looks like her eyes gained weight, but the rest of her face lost weight.

Erika: Instead of music, they should use that guy from Showtime at the Apollo with the big hook, who dances around while everyone boos.

Lori: Why is freakin’ Norbit nominated? Makeup doesn’t “make up” for that crappy movie.
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So the Trash Talkers have not yet had the chance to watch this years Grammy broadcast (safely stored in the DVR for now) because we had tickets last night to see the Queen of Trash Talk, Kathy Griffin.

The show was fabulous, and not only did we laugh our trash talkin’ asses off, we also got to see a couple of drunk girls tossed out of the show for trying to out trash talk Kathy F’n Griffin. Nice try stupid drunk girls. Also, the pre-show warm up music featured songs by Clay Aiken, Paul Abdul, and Britney Spears, so we knew exactly who she was probably going to talk about during her show. (And she did not let us down, comparing a certain over exposed part of Britney Spears’ anatomy with a chow tongue. Yes, she went there.) In fact, it is now my dream to someday have Kathy Griffin guest write a post for this blog. I’m not delusional, I know it will never happen, but even a Trash Talkin’ girl has dreams!

But I have to say, I wonder if even Kathy Griffin would go here:

I mean, oh my! Oh my! What happened to Aretha Franklin? What happened? Why doesn’t anybody do anything? Because, frankly, I am worried about her. She is freaking brilliant, she has a voice like nobody’s business and she can sing anything. I still remember when she performed “Nessun Dorma” at the 1998 Grammy Awards show; it totally gave me chills.

And now I am afraid all I can see is an unhealthy Aretha wearing a very ill-advised bright yellow dress with spaghetti straps. I mean, look at the picture. I’m afraid Cyndi Lauper is going to fall face first into Aretha’s chest and not be found for days. Days, people! Even with that warning flare of a hairstyle! I feel really bad even saying anything at all about it …. like I am going to end up in R&B Hell listening to Peabo Bryson or Jodeci forever. So, okay, I am not making fun of Aretha Franklin. I won’t do it. But I am worried about her … and I do think she should fire her damn stylist.

Well sort of live-blogging, I’m on time-delay. Thanks DVR. If this gets boring or turns into the PR suck-fest that was the Golden Globes, I reserve the right to fast-forward.

It seems there’s no host but as an opener they’ve let Sally Field go on some rant about falling off a cliff or something. And now they’re onto the dude who played the gay guy on Melrose Place. I have not idea why he’s there maybe he’s on Desperate Housewives. So this is turning into some pan around the room while people give touchy-feely statements as to why they heart the Screen Actor’s Guild. Suck-It writers.

Holy shit! Sandra Oh is being eaten alive by a giant pink bow. Oh that’s just her dress, my bad.

Oh, Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Damn, she looks so good I want to take her behind the middle school and get her pregnant. Ah, the good old days of NBC Thursday. We miss you so.

Best Actor in a Drama series goes to…Bear Force 1! Oh wait not, that’s James Gandolfini who keeps it short and sweet.

Out comes Debra Messing and Max from The L Word, er… Zac Effron to announce female from a drama series. Yay, Edie Falco, everyone misses The Sopranos.

Here comes outstanding ensemble in a drama series. C’mon people, there’s always a weak link. I think we already know this one..The Sopranos. And they let Paulie make the acceptance speech and he didn’t say “cocksucker” once. Paulie!
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