Trashy Celebs

So am I the only one in the blogosphere who things that pop star Mandy Moore and weird-rocker Ryan Adams (not Brian Adams, the pride of Canada) are not only dating, and not only got engaged, but quietly got married this past Tuesday somewhere in Georgia. I don’t know why they felt the need to get married “quietly” because I doubt the paparazzi would be hovering over their nuptials in a helicopter.

I wonder if this was his wedding suit.

I mean I know Moore dated Zach Braff for a while and he is kind of weird and hipster, but he is totally mainstream hipster, while Adams is old school weirdo hipster. I mean, Braff likes to introduce us all to the hip relaxing tunes of The Shins and Frou Frou, but Ryan Adams writes albums with names like Love is Hell and sometimes acts all pissy onstage. Plus, she seems pretty clean cut and has acted in movies like A Walk to Remember and License to Wed while Adams used to be addicted to snorting heroin mixed with cocaine. A match made ….. where? I don’t know where.

But hey, who am I to judge where love might come from? Opposites attract and all that bullshit. And maybe some quality time with Moore might help Ryan overcome his obvious aversion to shampoo and buying clothes from somewhere other than the dumpster behind the Goodwill. Shoot, maybe their marriage will be so wonderful that he will start writing happy songs and they can sing duets about puppies and rainbows on the Disney channel. Stranger things have happened.

Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have announced that they are expecting their second child.

I have to say, I am a little worried. I don’t think Nicole has lost the baby weight from her last pregnancy.

Does Kenny Chesney have a new album or a book or a movie of the week coming out soon? What is he promoting right now? Because I can’t figure out why in the world he would be dragging out the story of his four month marriage to Renee “Squinty-Face” Zellweger four years after it fell apart. No one gives a damn anymore! I bet Renee has even forgotten they were every married!

In a pre-Valentine’s Day story on Access Hollywood Chesney talked about his brief marriage to Zellweger, claiming the split was because he couldn’t commit to both marriage and music. He also wants us ALL TO KNOW that reason “fraud” was cited for their annulment, IS ABSOLUTELY NOT BECAUSE HE IS GAY and that pisses him off and he has had “hundreds” of girls. HUNDREDS! More than A-Rod, even! And I just have to say that citing “fraud” for the reason for an annulment didn’t make me thing he might be gay, but when he claimed he’s had hundreds of girls, well THAT made me wonder.

Stay! She missed you! Hey all you 1990s kids. Remember 1994? Remember college and the movies we saw and the CDs we collected? Remember that movie that just defined your after college years, when you didn’t know what the hell to do? Yes, I am talking about Reality Bites and the bitchin’ awesome soundtrack that went with it. Yeah! So this wasn’t the best song on the soundtrack, but it was definitely one of the most memorable:

So here, almost 15 years later, someone is finally listening. Lisa Loeb married Roey Hershkovitz (that must be his porn star name) who is a music supervisor for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. I don’t stay up late enough to watch that show, so I don’t know how the music is on that one, but presumably the show is going to have a lot more music by waifs in thrift store dresses, wearing chunky heels and horn-rimmed glasses.

Okay, so maybe that title is a little obvious and such, but when one comes across a picture like the one above, on the same day that the Oscar nominations are announced, and when three-hour movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gets like a zillion nominations, then you make the damn joke. That picture would have been amusing on any day, because Mr. Perfect Man-Actor-Father-Handsome might let the cow out of the barn but on a day like today? With a movie called that? The joke has to be made. It would be a crime not to.

You have to wonder, though, how his publicist let these pictures get published. I mean, sure, it’s just the zipper of his jeans open, and sure, it has happened to all of us. But aren’t you squirming just a little bit, because, damn, Angelina is gonna be pissed.

I bet everyone out there hasn’t been thinking much about how the problems with the economy have affected Hollywood, particularly movie and television stars. Even worse, I bet none of you have considered how the Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. (I am sure that this should not make me think of Henry Winkler and Happy Days.) Have you considered the famous, rich people? And you thought about the movie stars? I admit, I had not. I was mostly worried about the non-profits and the foundations that lost their entire endowments. How could I have been so inconsiderate?

But here is a celebrity brave enough to come forward with his tragic story. Kevin Bacon and his wife, actress Kyra Sedgewick were among the celebrities taken in by Bernie and his crazy-ass investment scheme. Everybody, you better keep watching The Closer because Kyra is the only one bringin’ home the bacon these days (haw haw haw.)

Bill O’Reilly is a gay homosexual! It must be true, because I read it on the Internets! And not just on the Internets, but on the very own Fox News Twitter account! And since Bill O’Reilly is on the Fox News and has a show there then it must be true that Bill O’Reilly is a good old pillow biter! And it doesn’t matter that when I read it on the very own Fox News Twitter Account that Bill O’Reilly’s name was spelled wrong! I mean, that doesn’t mean anything! Ole Bill is smoking the pole and finally decided to tell the world about it! He was so excited that he forgot he was referring to himself in the third person and he forgot momentarily how to spell is name. Yeah! It’s totally true, people!

Or, you know, celebrity Twitter accounts are being hacked by 13-year old boys with typical 13-year old boy senses of humor. Sheesh. Get a new insult, kids.

And now absolutely no one can say that Lance Armstrong isn’t a totally freakin’ stud. Despite having only one testicle (which everyone in the world knows about and which the entire Internet — including this site — loves to discuss endlessly) Mr. Armstrong is going to be a daddy again. Even after displaying a continued fear of commitment after dumping Sheryl Crow and Kate Hudson and having a fling with one or the other of the Olsen twins, he is now suddenly and forever tied to girlfriend Anna Hansen, who is expecting their first (and I imagine only) child together in June 2009.

From what all the Internets tell me, Armstrong’s previous three children with ex-wife Kristin, were conceived through in vitro fertilization after his treatments occurred. But the Christmas miracle here is that this baby was conceived the old fashioned way — through knockin’ da boots. Apparently this is ultra-rare for men who have lost a testicle to cancer (which was the reason for the in vitro procedure) so that can only lead me to figure that this pregnancy is what folks euphemistically call the “happy accident.” Weren’t there some rumors a while back that implicated Armstrong is some sort of doping scandal? Everyone wondered if he had some chemical help to assist in winning all those bike races (including the Tour de France seven times after beating cancer) but know I wonder if there will be a whole new doping scandal …. with his sperm. Are there steroids that specifically focus on bulking up the muscles in your sperm?

Well this is another one of those stories that is likely to be complete and utter bullshit but I feel compelled to comment on it anyway, because it is ridiculous and because of the very, very, very slight chance that it might be true. Apparently America’s favorite hoosier, Britney Spears, is on a hunger strike … sort of.

Now my understanding of a hunger strike means that you ….don’t eat at all until you get whatever it is you want. In this case, Britney wants her father to butt out of her crazy-ass business and wants him to be removed as conservator of her estate. So what is she doing? She has stopped eating! Except for lunch!

So, this is some crazy-ass Britney Spears antics right here because calling it a hunger strike when you are still picking up some McDonalds or Taco Bell for lunch isn’t really a hunger strike. It’s sort if like vegetarians who still eat chicken or sober people who only drink “lite beer.” I used to know this guy who would fast for one Catholic holiday or another and he would sort of make a big deal about fasting and then I would see him eating lunch. And when I asked about his fast, he would say, “Oh it was just a light lunch,” which indeed may have been the case …. but that doesn’t mean you are fasting. And frankly, I don’t care if you fast or not, or if Britney is on a hunger-strike or not. Not my business. But don’t tell me you aren’t eating …. and then eat.

Poor Britney. She’s trying to take control of her life (and heading toward an eating disorder). And people (including Mr. Spears) are just gonna go, “What? Hunger strike? I just saw her eating Chik-Fil-A.”

We’re surprised it’s Stamos who’s behind this but the cast of the sitcom Full House will be reuniting. (We use the word sitcom loosely, to put both 30 Rock and Full House in the same category is just wrong). Apparently the same cast, will be included, the show will just take place years later. We should hope so because no one wants to see the Olsen twins in diapers anymore…well anymore than usual.

Says evangelical hottie Candace Cameron-Bure, “John has been working on a semi-remake of “Full House … I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweetin. We would revive our characters, but today as young women.”

So we wonder if this will reflect real life events where Stephanie is a twice-divorced meth-head, and DJ is a born-again Christian?

Full house which ran from 1987 to 1995 also included the mullety goodness of members Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Davie Coulier. (maybe Alanis Morissette can make an appearance as Coulier’s jilted ex lover).

I think even as a kid I knew that Full House was kind of a Three Men and a Baby rip-off which was already of rip off of a French movie Trois hommes et un couffin (Three Men and a Cradle). But I gotta say that much of a train wreck would totally make me Jizz in my Pants.

And yes, while this entry is totally true it also did serve as a nice set-up so I could post the Jizz in my Pants video. SNL digital shorts just keep the funny rolling.

Martha down y’all. Martha Stewart had Snoop Dogg on her show yesterday and of course hilarity ensued. Not only does Martha throw down some serious Snoop ebonics but she and the D O double G share a moment around a paring knife. Aww, they both “shanked” someone in prison.

What you may not have know about Ryan Reynolds: apparently he is a runner. A long-distance runner, in fact, one of those crazy-ass people who runs marathons. I don’t even like to drive 26 miles, let alone run that far. But he ran in the New York City Marathon this past weekend, and apparently finished in a respectable three hours and 50 minutes. Or I guess that is respectable. What do I know?

I have a good friend that is a distance runner and she ran a half marathon this weekend. The Trash Talkers met up with her for breakfast after her run (which I slept through, because I am not that good of a friend) and she said it hurt more than anything else she’s done in her life. And I could only yell THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP? If something hurts that bad, STOP. I mean, the only think I can think of that you can’t stop doing even though it hurts more than anything is childbirth, and even then you can get an epidural if you play your cards right. The only thing my friend got from her ordeal is the complete justification of ordering a huge friggin’ breakfast. I had some 2% organic chocolate milk and felt guilty about that.

But back to Ryan Reynolds …. what the news isn’t telling you is that the only reason he finished and with such a good time is because Alanis Morissette was chasing him. ::rimshot:: Okay, that joke was a lot funnier in my head. So congrats to Ryan Reynolds for running a marathon and congrats to my friend JKo for both running the half marathon and eating the hell out of that stack of pumpkin pancakes. The Trash Talkers are proud of you.

I wish Lil’ Wayne would have said something sooner, because I could have planned a baby shower! But I guess he is being modest and humble and doesn’t want to brag a lot … until gets the chance to make a quiet announcement while onstage at the BET Hip-Hop awards. Lil’ Wayne is going to be a Lil’ Baby Daddy soon! According to People magazine, Lil’ Lil’ Wayne will be born any day now, probably on a Tuesday, as that is the day that new albums are released. Hey, I don’t know who Lil’ Wayne’s Lil’ Baby Mama is, but wouldn’t it be awesome if it was Lil’ Mama herself? Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Mama Havin’ a Lil’ Baby? Totally would be a new reality show on VH-1, don’t you think? “My onesie be cool, my onesie be poppin’!”

So the world can finally stop obsessing about Star Jones and her homosexual ex-husband, Al Reynolds, and start obsessing about Star Jones and her new inappropriate boyfriend, chef Herb Wilson.

I don’t really know if Herb Wilson (and isn’t “Herb” a great name for a chef?) is really an inappropriate boyfriend, because I don’t know anything about him. He seems less gay than Al Reynolds (but really, the love child of Elton John and George Michael seems less gay than Al Reynolds, so, whatever) so that bodes well for the future of their relationship. I just have to wonder if it’s a good idea for a woman with a well-documented weight problem to be dating a man who makes his career from food. Is Star Jones that self-destructive? First, a marriage to a probably-gay man that was doomed to fail. Now a relationship with someone cooking all the time …. causing the failure of her gastric bypass surgery? I am worried about you Star Jones.

Actually my favorite part of this whole story is that it is like Alanis Morissette puked her own special brand of irony all over it. And Alanis Morissette irony is my favorite kind of irony. Dontcha think?