Trashy Celebs

It’s Oscar night people, aka the gay super bowl. We’ve been drinking some sparkling wine and some malty beverages while trying to stomach 14.5 hours of E! pre-show coverage. We’ve also invited some friend’s over and bribed them with lasagna to watch the show and give us some material. And to make it even more confusing for you, we’ve included no time stamp so you can’t tell when we decided to wonder off and eat some cake or do dishes.

Pre-game: Not that we’re all about outing people but if Ryan Seacrest wants us to believe he’s straight he needs to stop referring to the color of the red carpet as “merlot.�?

Lori: Kimora Simmons is a big whore but that’s just based on her fashion suck assiness

Amy: Oh it’s time for the big opening and it’s some CRAZY CGI city that looks like Hollywood is really a bunch of movie clips living gaily together on Hollywood Blvd. And then before Jon Stewart even comes out…the sponsors!

Lori: I wonder how long he had to stand in that tube thing backstage.

Amy: Dammit Jon Stewart say something funny! Ok, he compared Javier Bardem’s haircut to Dorothy Hammil’s wedge cut. We like hair humor.

Lori: Jon’s stripper name is Olympia Dukakis. I would have thought it would be “Stephen Colbert.�?

Amy: Or Adam Sandler.

Jennifer K: The stage is kind of stupid because it looks like the Oscar statues are cryogenically frozen behind the presenters.

Lisa T: Helen Bonham Carter looks like she’s been rollin’ around with dust bunnies

Lori: Okay, we are twenty minutes in and we already have a montage … of friggin Oscar moments. You’d think they could give out a few awards before they start kissing their own asses to a Celine Dion soundtrack.

Amy: It’s like auto-fellatio.

Martina: I know this is unpopular, but I like Celine Dion!

Group: OHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO!

Lori: I admire your courage, Martina.

Amy: Anne Hathaway. She looks like her eyes gained weight, but the rest of her face lost weight.

Erika: Instead of music, they should use that guy from Showtime at the Apollo with the big hook, who dances around while everyone boos.

Lori: Why is freakin’ Norbit nominated? Makeup doesn’t “make up�? for that crappy movie.

Amy: Amy Adams singing. I bet if she swallowed a grape it would show through that dress on the way down.

Martina: Where are the singing dishes?

Lori: Fluffy grey mullet …. It’s totally the official men’s hairstyle of the 2008 Academy Awards.

Amy: Cate Blanchett is saying the category is Art Direction

Erika: The category is sitting on my face.

Amy: The woman who won this award looks like Alfred E. Newman in drag

Lori: Or possibly Dennis Kucinich. Oh and ladies and gentlemen Jennifer Hudson’s Boobs!

Martina: But her fat is hanging out the side

Lori: So what she’s still on my list

Amy: Oscar’s salute to binoculars and periscopes, awesome.

Lori: Short films this is when everyone goes to make popcorn or poop.

Amy: So when an animated Bee announces you as the winner do you fake accept from someone?

Lori: They’ve got to make Judi Dench do something.

Lori: Best Supporting actress is like a montoge salute to bad hair

Erika: Ruth Gordon, she’s on my laminated list.

Lori: Mine too we can tag team her

Amy: Eww, back to the task at hand, which is not making me vomit.

Lori: They always make the hot actresses give out the scientific technical awards out to those old geeks. Yep, talkin’ to you Jessica Alba.

Amy: Oh here come the writer’s award for best adapted screen play. Something I could strive for if I was smart.

Lori: Or if you could spell

Amy: Truee tahat.

Martina: Wow, the second musical number from Enchanted makes me extra not want to see Enchanted. I would think any self-respecting black man would never participate in something like this.

Kim R. Maybe he’s really white.

Lori: Sound editing ….

Erika: Sensitive pony-tail man!

Amy: Hello from 1993!

Lori: They turned the mike off on the sound guy …. Is that real irony or Alanis irony?

Erika: Would-she-go-down-on-you-in-a-theater irony?

Amy: Why are they doing Best Actress already?

Lori: They are messing with the order! I don’t like it! And Ellen Page didn’t win! Goddammit. I knew she wouldn’t win, but I am still disappointed ‘cause that is the only Oscar nominated movie I saw this year.

Amy: Meh, oh well. We can hope that Diablo Cody wins for Best Original Screen Play for Juno since she’s my friend.

Lori: Your fake Myspace friend.

Amy: It counts. Shut up!

Amy: Oh Jack Nicholson He took off the sunglasses and put on the old man reading glasses.

Lori: Rene Zellweger is buff enough to beat the shit out of you for calling her old squinty face.

Lori: Wow Nicole Kidman looks like the Christmas tree you threw together when you were drunk.

Lisa T. But then you decide it’s the best Christmas tree ever.

Kim R. Her right boob is jealous because her bling is favoring the left.

Amy: Ok Jon Stewart is cool in that he brought half of the winner’s of best song out to give her acceptance speech since the evil, evil music cut her off.

Lori: “Oh Gawd!�? (In reaction to Cameron Diaz)

Amy: Too bad she don’t read good neither. (In reaction to her not being able to pronounce Cinematography).

Lori: Why is Hilary Swank introducing the dead people? Because she died in that movie?

Amy: Which movie?

Lori: The two she did that won academy awards

Amy: Yeah, dying = oscar. No wonder Ellen Page didn’t win.

Lori: I’ll bet they save Heath Ledger for last and then they fade to commercial.

Amy: SCORE!

Lori: You are totally going to hell.

Amy: I wonder how they pick what commercial comes after the death montage.

Lori: Best Original Score? I say Best Original Snore.

Amy: Yay puns!

Lori: They are letting service people in Iraq give the award for Best Documentary Short Subject. Way to throw them a bone, Hollywood. I’d bet they’d rather have armor or better food or maybe they’d rather COME HOME.

Amy: Who is this girl? “I made a movie about queer people!�?

Lori: “But I’m not gay! I’m married! Strictly dickly!�?

Jennifer K: And now all those soldiers are going to be investigated under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Muriel: SHUT UP YOU OSCAR WATCHING PEOPLE I AM TRYING TO HAVE SOME SLEEP HERE ON THE COUCH CUSHION THAT I LIKE TO SLEEP ON.

Jennifer K: Harrison Ford car dealership? Who wrote that joke?

Lori: Not Jon Stewart.

Amy: Best Original Screenplay. Go ladies! Women screenwriters!

Lori: Boobs! They help you write good!

Amy: Juno! I called that! That’s the only one it will win!

Lisa T: Diablo Cody is wearing Wilma Flinstone!

Amy: She’s my friend! Stripper turned writer!

Lori: Oh, shut up, she’s your fake friend on MySpace.

Amy: Whatever, it counts.

Lori: Whoa! Dream big! Aw, she’s crying. Tough girl is happy. I should start reading her blog.

Amy: Helen F’n Mirren!

Lori: What up, Helen Mirren! She said “balls�? in Spanish!

Amy: Why did Viggo Mortenson bring his daughter to the Oscars when he was nominated for playing a sick fuck? She just had to watch him put a cigarette out on his tongue.

Lori: And she was smiling all big? “I’m so proud of you Daddy!�?

Amy: Does Daniel Day Lewis talk like that all the time?

Lori: Move hippy! More Helen Mirren!

Amy: Are we almost done?

Lori: No. Does Martin Scorsese dye his eyebrows?

Lisa T: Those are caterpillars. Can you imagine those things just bursting into butterflies and flying away? Hey, when does Kanye West get to throw a fit?

Amy: He already did when they wouldn’t let him in.

Lori: Oh thank god, Best Picture, now it is finally over.

Kim R: Frances McDormand looks happier than everyone.

Lori: She’s getting some tonight!

Amy: Not a hot option but whatever. Anyway, that’s the show. Thank you and good night. Or good Monday morning.