Trashy Celebs

Jamie Foxx gave one of the final performances of his “Unpredictable Tour: A Night of Music and Comedy” last Saturday night in Charlotte, North Carolina. The multi-talented Foxx sang, danced and told jokes using past characters such as Ray Charles, Eddie Murphy and the Reverend Louis Farrakhan.

“Yeah, it’s actually pretty much what I expected,� said concert attendee Ronald Bishop. “I was hoping he’d at least kick it old skool by doing Wanda from when he was on In Living Colour. I used to love the way he’d cross his eyes and put Vaseline on his lips. That shit was hilarious!�

“The show started out cool,� stated ticket holder Elise Watson “but after a really upbeat joke or song he’d (Foxx) get all serious and start talking about how his dead grandmother pushed him. Total buzz kill.�

Next up for Foxx is the FBI thriller The Kingdom where he’ll play another predictable role as an agent on the edge.

Jamie Foxx, In Living Colour, Unpredictable Tour, Ray Charles

I guess Elisabeth has been crying a lot lately, judging from this side view of Star’s arms. How is it that the top of her arm can look so buff and the bottom so …. swingy?

And I don’t really want to guess at what Al Reynolds might be thinking, but he should be more aware that cameras are around and facial expressions like that will end up on the internet. I wonder what it is he is smelling?

Donald Trump, amazingly enough, was unavailable for comment.

Star Jones Reynolds, Al Reynolds, Rosie O’Donnell, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View

Carson Kressley, Ted Allen, Thom Filicia and Kyan Douglas attended Monday night’s 18th annual GLAAD Media Awards in New York. Mugging it up for the red carpet cameras, the guys were amazed to see paparazzi showing interest.

“At least the gay media still shows us the respect we deserve for providing a service to the heterosexual community,� said QG Kressley. “Sure the show became trite and tired after two seasons but we’re responsible for gayifying the Bravo network. Do you think Tim Gunn would have existed without us? I don’t think so!�

When absentee queer guy, Jai Rodriguez, was asked why he didn’t attend the gala event he explained that he was avoiding Kressley. “Carson just can’t let the show go,� he said, “He keeps trying to rope us all into new spin-offs that would never work.�

Among the rejected Bravo pilots were Queer Eye for the Blind Guy, Queer Nose for Smelly Hoes and You’ll Never Dress Better than a Gay Guy so get over it.

Bravo had no comment on the current state of any of these programs; but did add that everyone arriving got their photo taken including pedestrian Myra Rosenburg, who was out walking her dog and accidentally wondered onto the red carpet.

Carson Kressley, Dyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Thom Filicia, Jai Rodriguez, Queer Eye, Bravo, GLAAD

Gravity has struck again, causing embarrassment and skinned knees to not one but two celebrities in recent days. First, Gravity and her entourage (including her proteges Inertia and Momentum) were seen crashing (quite literally) Elton John’s 60th birthday bash in New York City. They were quickly escorted from the party by security, but not before a run in with fashion icon and longtime Elton John friend, Donatella Versace.

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“Oh, hells no!” Gravity said when questioned about the run in with Versace. “I was nowhere near that pile of batshit crazy,” she said, while Inertia and Momentum giggled behind her. “I heard that there is going to be a Versace line of vodka. Girlfriend probably spent too much time testing the product.”

When asked about the incident, Versace only screamed “Get out!” at the departing Gravity and friends, before lighting a cigarette and exiting herself on a stretcher carried by six shirtless gay men.

Gravity and her cohorts disappeared into the night, only to turn up early the next morning, quite hungover and grumpy, on the set of the Today Show where Meredith Vieira was interviewing Will Ferrell, on hand to promote his new movie, Blades of Glory.

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“I didn’t mean to make her fall,” Gravity slurred, sunglasses askew and a Starbucks cup in one hand. “I was just tryin’ to get close enough to touch Will Ferrell’s white guy fro. Ms. Gravity does love her some Will Ferrell, mmmhmmm! Ricky Bobby!” Gravity then fell victim to her own laws, tripping and dropping her coffee as she got into a cab.

Donatella Versace, Elton John, Meredith Vieira, Will Ferrell, Gravity

Do you?

Chris Rock, Poo, Poop, Doody, Stinky

Queen Latifah was seen this week carefully picking her seat before settling in with a tub of popcorn and a diet snapple root beer for a matinee showing of Music and Lyrics. “You have to pick just right,” she was overheard saying to a friend sitting nearby, “otherwise, you’ll be uncomfortable through the whole movie.”

Latifah carries this expectation of comfort over into her the rest of her life as well. Other places she was seen seen picking her seat this week include:

Her agent’s office,
the dentist’s chair,
the Beauty Shop,
Santa Monica Boulevard,
The Sweet Sixteen game between Kansas State and SIU,
Whataburger,
Lindsay Lohan’s Range Rover, and
The Hart Senate Office building.

Queen Latifah, Lindsay Lohan, Music and Lyrics, Beauty Shop, Hart Senate

Snoop Dogg looked quite audacious leaving his Paris hotel yesterday. However, the Doggfather wasn’t stoned out of his mind but in full character mode in preparation for a new flick. Guess the plot to Snopp’s new movie

Tanisha has two Mommies – In a challenging role, which requires him to play a different gender and sexual orientation, Snoop is Roberta Jackson, a 30-something mother trying to adopt a little girl with her partner Mo. Mo’Nique and Keisha Knight Pulliam also star in this late summer offering from Paramont.

Fo’ Shizzle that’s Chicken – It’s back to school time and this year Lunch is off the chizzaynes with Jefferson High’s newest lunch lady Snoop Dogg. With his special blend of herbs and…more herbs these students will be wishing lunch never ended and classes never began.

Don’t F*ck with my Purse ‘cause it’s a Murse Biyotch – We actually made this one up.

Middlemarch – In the first widescreen release of the beloved George Eliot novel, Snoop plays Tertius Lydgate, a talented but naive young doctor of good birth but small financial means. The plot of Middlemarch is known for its deep psychological insight and sophisticated character portraits. By making this the first release from Death Row Productions, Snoop hopes to show how unrealistic expectations by a conservative society are just as damaging today as they were in the 1830’s.

Snopp Dogg, Mo’nique, Middlemarch, George Eliot, Keisha Knight Pulliam

Wow, okay, so Kevin Federline, not satisfied with just whoring out his loser reputation in commericals and pro-wresting rings, as apparently launched his own …. search engine? And not only will the site help you look up information for your history term paper, it will give you the chance to win “prizes” like an invitation to Kevin’s birthday party, a t-shirt, or an autographed picture. Like a lot of people, I think I would choose a trip to the dentist before a trip to K-Fed’s birthday bash. Would I have to bring him a present?

I went to the site to check it out and like any good blogger, my first search was on “Trashy Celebs.” I was pleased to see that Kevin got it right and that our site was first on the list. I was also a little disturbed (yet not surprised) to note that the search also returned more porn than the same search on Google might. (Anal Trashy Ass, anyone?) I was also disappointed to notice that on my first search, I did not win anything. I will admit, I want a t-shirt.

Next, naturally, I did a search on “Britney Spears,” and quickly found out that the Britney & Kevin: Chaotic DVD is in stores now. I also noted that Britney’s official site was not listed in the first five pages of hits and that the MSNBC news story announcing their divorce was on page three. Hmmm, passive aggressive much, Fed-Ex?

Last, of course, I searched on “Kevin Federline,” hoping that it would be like the scene in Being John Malkovich when Malkovich goes inside his own mind and everything looks like him and all he hears is “Malkovich, Malkovich.” It wasn’t as dramatic as all that, but I did quickly find Kevin’s official site, his Wikipedia entry, his Internet Movie Database page (what?) and his MySpace page.

It is worth noting that a search on “the War of 1812″ resulted only in a .wav file saying “Huh … what?” and the vague smell of pot smoke coming from my hard drive.

Kevin Federline, search engine, Britney Spears

Bursting out of Milan and onto the New York Custodial Arts scene, international supermodel Naomi Campbell reported for day one of her community service. Donning high-heeled Christian Louboutin ankle boots, a flowing black pea coat and Antonio Berardi-inspired hat, Campbell sashayed into the Manhattan District 3 Garage at Pier 36 on the East River yesterday morning.

“This look is truly inspiring to all sanitation employees and community service workers alike,� remarked fashion iconoclast Andre Leon Tally. “The oversized monochrome jumpsuits and orange reflecting vests are so limiting. Where’s the ‘I’ in those outfits?�

However not everyone was pleased with the new look. “I can see how the black is meant to be sliming,� said NYC public school custodian Marco Dinelli of his new uniform. “But when some kid pukes there just ain’t enough room to hold all the sawdust required to clean it up. Maybe someone needs a blackberry thrown at their head to smack some sense back into ‘em.�

The custodial fashion world is promised more looks later in the week, featuring evening clean-up wear and the ever popular swimsuit line to be modeled near an oil slick on Jones Beach.

Naomi Campbell, community service

Carmen Electra was overheard talking trash about Sir Isaac Newton and then Gravity herself moments before a Clothes Off Our Back charity event.

It was not completely understood what the scuffle was about, but the former Mrs. Dave Navarro quickly learned not to mess with Gravity and her boyfriend Sir Isaac. In fact Gravity was so agitated by the comments, she took out Days of Our Lives star Alison Sweeney as well (see above video).

When asked to comment on the incident, Gravity completely denied any involvement but did say “Miss Thang needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut. She’ll see the full force of Gravity go to work on her implants a few years down the road if she don’t wise up.”

Carmen Electra, Alison Sweeney, Dave Navarro, Gravity

Apparently, a family of caterpillars has taken up residence on Keith Richards’ upper lip. The two insects were first noticed during Richards’ recent appearance at the 22nd Annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on March 12, 2007. Unsurprisingly, Richards does not appear to have noticed the caterpillars living on his face. What is surprising is that no one seems willing to tell him about the intruders. “Frankly,” one source said, “we fear they might be all that is still holding Keith together, physically.”

Trashy Celebs, fearing for the caterpillars’ health, consulted with an entomologist, who told us that as long as they stay out of the way of his cigarettes and glass of Jack Daniels, he poses no threat to them. Caterpillars, which are primarily herbivores, pose no threat to Richards.

Keith Richards, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, caterpillars

Things got a bit heated on Tuesday night’s American Idol when Simon Cowell alluded to host Ryan Seacrest’s sexual orientation. Seacrest was interviewing contestant Melina Doolittle and things went downhill quickly.

Ryan Seacrest: “What do you consider the hardest part of this contest?”

Melinda Doolittle: “Wow. I would have to say the high heels and these dresses. I like my tennis shoes and my sweat pants. I’m sorry.”

Seacrest: “Simon, any advice on the high heels?”

Cowell: “You should know, Ryan.”

Seacrest: “Stay out of my closet, Simon.”

Cowell: “Well, come out.”

This ‘no duh’ remark was somehow met by ohhs and gasps from the audience but Cowell wasn’t finished.

Cowell: “I’d also like to tell everyone who’s watching that I’m British, Paula’s a drunk, and Randy is in fact black. Oh yes the sky is blue, Grant is buried in Grant’s tomb and when I was in Ryan Seacrest’s closet I found the head of Brian Dunkelman next to a pair of Manolo Blahniks from two seasons ago.�

Being the professional host he is, Seacrest laughed off the remarks and proceeded to introduce a four-minute clip of the contestants drinking Coke and washing a GM vehicle. Calls to the LAPD regarding the head of Dunkelman went unreturned, as did calls to Seacrest about the outdated footwear.

U.S Magazine is reporting that Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were seen having a family lunch with their two sons this week. Upon seeing the picture accompanying the article most everyone in the world rolled their eyes, shuddered, and contemplated showering.

“I’m happy for them, I guess,” said one patron of a Salt Lake City Walgreens who was seen buying a copy of the magazine. “But I am kind of glad my doctor just put me on penicillin for this ear infection. I sort of feel like I might have caught something from that picture.”

“I guess he doesn’t care that she was in that Borat movie like that dickhead, Kid Rock,” said another patron who was flipping through the magazine at his dentist’s office. “That was a good movie. Borat is the bomb.”

Several Hollywood douchebags are reportedly rushing to be the first to pitch the inevitable reality show starring Lee and Anderson, likely to air in the fall on the Reality Show Network.

Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock, Borat

The Scissor Sisters played The Pageant nightclub in St. Louis, MO last night and the Trash Talkers (along with special guests The Trash Talkers’ Downstairs Neighbors) were there ready to shake their asses and report back on all the night’s trashy events. And let me tell you, people, that in addition to being as gay as Elton John’s wedding, the show was a big pile of trash as well, but totally awesome trash, not like the usual trash we report on.

The Scissor Sisters took the stage and immediately got most of the crowd pumped up and dancing with their mix of disco and rock and Jake Shears gay outfits. After a few songs, apparently there were a few people still not dancing so Ana Matronic, our Mistress of Ceremonies, invited them to (and I am paraphrasing a bit) kindly retire to the restroom and remove whatever was in their butts. She also took this moment to let us all know that the drummer, Paddy Boom, has a penis approximately the same size as her microphone. (Her language wasn’t quite as polite as what I am using here. “She’s so pretty, but that mouth!”) She promised that we would party until her boobs fell out of her dress. Trashy!

Later, after someone in the crowd announced that he wanted to have Babydaddy’s face tattooed on his ass and after I noticed that guitarist Del Marquis was wearing a superfly white jumpsuit much like one I had in the second grade, Ana told a story about a complaint they got from a woman who had taken her kids to see their show in Sydney, Australia (not Sydney, Texas, as Ana pointed out.) Apparently this woman complained because they cursed too much. Ana’s response: Lady, have you heard our records? She went on to say “We are queers, we are scarlet women, we are fornicators. We are faggots. And do you know what fag stands for? Filthy and Gorgeous!” And then they ripped into Filthy/Gorgeous and totally blew the walls off the place. And to me, that was the highlight of the show, not just because that is one of my favorite Scissor Sister songs or because we were all dancing so hard and feeling so good. It was because (and please forgive me for getting a little serious and a little political here) we shouted down the hate a little bit more tonight. There were all sorts of people at this show: gay and straight, old and young, freaky-deaky and not freaky-deaky, fat and thin. And we were all there to dance and listen to some music and a women talk a little dirty to us and a watch a singer dance around the stage joyously.

So suck it, Ann Coulter, you dipshit. You may think it’s funny to talk about “faggot rehab” but I have to say, even though it’s corny, I experienced my own version of it tonight. I am “filthy” and I am “gorgeous.” So there.

Scissor Sisters, The Pageant, Gay Pride

Dreamgirls star Jennifer Hudson, won the entertainer of the year award this past Saturday night at the 2007 Soul Train Awards in Pasadena California. However after a whirlwind of more than 25 recent accolades, the thrill of winning an award may have worn off for the former American Idol contestant.

Beaming from ear to ear, Hudson took the stage after her name was called and began with a usual “Whoooo! I can’t believe this y’all!� But things took an ugly turn when a noticeably confused Hudson started getting to the meat of her speech.

“First off I want to thank all the doggies and kitties who put their front paws in the paint for me. Keep on keepin’ on and one day you’ll catch that gravy train….What? This ain’t the Purina Awards?� stammered Hudson before looking around the room.

“Oh, I’m sorry what I meant to say was thank you Oprah, thank you Jennifer Holiday. Without you I wouldn’t have the knowledge to achieve such a natural sheen…What? This ain’t the Black Hair Awards neither? Shoot, where am I?� said Hudson before glancing down at the statue in her hand.

“Oh my, I’m so embarrassed up here,â€? apologized Hudson. “What I really meant to say was thank you so much to Miss Marilyn McCoo and the rest of the Solid Gold Dancers, without you I wouldn’t be where I am today.â€? With that a still smiling Hudson was led off the stage by Soul Train Awards co-host Omarion. “I don’t have the heart to tell her where we’re really at,â€? said Omarion. “Actually, I’m just here cause I heard Beyonce may be at the after party.”

Jennifer Hudson, Soul Train Awards