Trashy Celebs

Justin Timberlake just wants you all to get drunk and buy more copies of his CDs. Or downloads. Do people by CDs anymore? Just me? Whatever. Justin wants you to get drunky and listen to his music and dance up a storm to “Sexyback” and “Summer Love” if you are in a good mood or cry and drunk dial your ex while you listen to “Cry Me A River” or “What Goes Around ….” How do I know all that? Well because Justin is launching a new tequila brand, called 901.

Why 901? Why not? People magazine reports that part of the thought behind 901 is that it is apparently the magical time when your evening ends, but your night begins. For boring folks like me, 9:01 is when I am deciding to watch one more DVR’d episode of The United States of Tara and having a snack pack of chocolate pudding before going to bed. 901 is also the area code for Memphis, Timberlake’s hometown.

Super-interesting to me? (Not really. Not really interesting to anyone, I imagine, but I am going to point it out anyway.) Timberlake sort of names his new bottle of hooch after his beloved hometown, but it won’t even be available to former-boyband-lovin’ fans there for awhile. The new tequila will hit shelves in New York, LA, Vegas and St. Louis later this spring. Hey, maybe we will pick up a bottle and try it out in some margaritas so we can give you all a review. We can go from the Trash Talkers to the Trash-ed Talkers. Waa waaaa waaaaaaa.

Well one cat in particular. According to the New York Post, Project Runway finalist Kenley Collins was arrested yesterday morning after assaulting her fiance with their cat. Yes, you read correct. A cat. But that crazy flapper-wannabe didn’t stop there. She went on to hurl a laptop and three apples at the dude as well.

After that mondo shitfit, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon of meows destruction. Wha, whaa.

“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.”Fights happen, And that’s that. There is no case,” the d-bag maximus went on to say.

According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.

Neighbors said the couple had been fighting for weeks. And we’re guessing this spells the end of the relationship. What we’re also wondering is how the cat is doing? I know our cats prefer to be a weapon of choice but only when it’s their idea. Our calico is quite bitey.

We’re also wondering if Kenley was using the cat to create a master race of evil Laser Cats as so demonstrated in the video below.

In other, totally unrelated cat bummer news, a friend at work sent me this site for Kitty Wigs.

So just in case your cat wants to explore it’s Lil’ Kim side, you can rest easy knowing there’s a hair piece for him.

So am I the only one in the blogosphere who things that pop star Mandy Moore and weird-rocker Ryan Adams (not Brian Adams, the pride of Canada) are not only dating, and not only got engaged, but quietly got married this past Tuesday somewhere in Georgia. I don’t know why they felt the need to get married “quietly” because I doubt the paparazzi would be hovering over their nuptials in a helicopter.

I wonder if this was his wedding suit.

I mean I know Moore dated Zach Braff for a while and he is kind of weird and hipster, but he is totally mainstream hipster, while Adams is old school weirdo hipster. I mean, Braff likes to introduce us all to the hip relaxing tunes of The Shins and Frou Frou, but Ryan Adams writes albums with names like Love is Hell and sometimes acts all pissy onstage. Plus, she seems pretty clean cut and has acted in movies like A Walk to Remember and License to Wed while Adams used to be addicted to snorting heroin mixed with cocaine. A match made ….. where? I don’t know where.

But hey, who am I to judge where love might come from? Opposites attract and all that bullshit. And maybe some quality time with Moore might help Ryan overcome his obvious aversion to shampoo and buying clothes from somewhere other than the dumpster behind the Goodwill. Shoot, maybe their marriage will be so wonderful that he will start writing happy songs and they can sing duets about puppies and rainbows on the Disney channel. Stranger things have happened.

We live in a society where every little thing celebrities do, say, think and apparently expel from their bodies is reported on Ad nauseam. Take Kelly Clarkson for instance. Kelly is kind of nastified and isn’t afraid to admit it.

In a new interview, the American Idol winner admits to both peeing in the shower and checking the tissue to see what color her snot is. Tasty, so does that mean Little Ms. Independent has a lil’ bit of incontinence? Sorry, low blow.

So how did this bit of info come up? We have Blender magazine to thank because for some reason, they quizzed Kelly on whether she feels that washing and urinating are best done separately, she told them: “Anybody who says they don’t [pee in the shower] is lying.”

And on the sticky subject of boogers she muses, “I mean, if you have a cold, you have to check, to see how sick you are.” Ok, we’ll giver her that.

According to Kelly, the over sharing is all part of her special charm. “It’s not like people look at me as unattainable, some kind of star like that,” she told the April issue of the magazine. “People love the ‘real’ factor that’s involved, I think.” Yes Kelly that is keeping it real, real gross.

Be sure to watch out for Kelly’s new album hitting stores next week featuring the singles Since you’ve been gone I’ve been wiping boogers on the couch, The Trouble with Love is it’s hard to find someone to pop your backne and Because of you I can Poop in public.

If you are a big fan of The Amazing Race AND your day hasn’t had enough pictures of naked men, then you are totally in luck. Pictures have surfaced on the internet (where else?) of season nine contestant Eric, who, with his teammate, friend, and fellow douche-bag Jeremy, came in second, losing to even bigger douchebags BJ and Tyler. Can you tell I wasn’t thrilled with the ending of that season? Nor was I thrilled when Eric and his girlfriend Danielle went on to win the “All Stars” season of the Race. Yeah, but that is all in the past now and hey, who doesn’t want to see naked pictures of semi-famous wannabes on the internet? Well, a lot of people, probably, but they shouldn’t be reading a site called Trashy Celebs, should they?

We don’t publish naked shots here, because our network frowns on it and we like to get paid, so we can only supply you with a link (like sausage! which is like penis! ha ha ha!) but our hero Michael K over at dlisted has got you covered (and Eric uncovered!) so click on over, my vouyeristic friends!

SHOW ME THE PENIS!

EW NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Normally I am not all shocked and appalled by stupid celebrity behavior and stupid celebrities who need to get over their damn selves. I just laugh, unless it is something truly criminal or immoral. But here I am breaking the norm a bit because I am taking this one a little bit personally. Little Disney-bot Miley Cyrus and her alter-ego Hannah Montana have taken a swipe (albeit a weak, ineffectual one) at my favorite band, the supremely awesome Radiohead.

Apparently, Radiohead is Hannah Montana’s favorite band (doubtful) and the reason she “loves music” (that’s a laugh) is now NOT her favorite band anymore and she is TOTALLY going to tell her Dad they were mean to her and he is going to give them ALL achy-breaky hearts! So there!

Now how did this all come about? Well if you watched the Grammy Awards (and who didn’t?) then you know that both Miley (yawn) and Radiohead (sweet). And apparently Miley wanted to meet the band so she “extended an invitation.” And since Radiohead probably doesn’t know/care who the hell she is and they were there to, y’know, put on an awesome and creative performance for the audience both in the theater and watching on television, well, they choose to decline. And Miley (Bruce Jenner) turned into Hannah (The Hulk) and now she is trying to SMASH!

“The reason I’m in this business is to make people happy,” she said, implying that Radiohead aren’t. She added, “I left ’cause I was so upset. I wasn’t going to watch. Stinkin’ Radiohead! I’m gonna ruin them, I’m going to tell everyone.”

I’m sure Radiohead are all tuning up their resumes in anticipation of their careers ending any day now. Is Starbucks hiring?

If you know anything about the Trash Talkers you know a) we love to refer to ourselves in the third person and b) we love our country (we just think a lot of her citizens are complete flippin’ idiots). Luckily we don’t encounter many of these morons, with the exception of some family members, but the internets are great for spotting people with opinions of the wrongest kind.

President Obama took in a B-Ball game in DC last week. The reports weren’t about how we have a cool, laid-back pres who chats with and gives high-fives to people watching the game but criticism over this image of Obama enjoying a cold one.

One caller to WWL In New Orleans complained, “People are losing 5, 10, 20 thousand dollars a day in the stock market, and he’s sitting there drinking a beer!” She also said, “It’s insulting… there’s a lot of people suffering.” She insisted President Obama should not publicly have fun during a time of so much pain.

Rule #1 of a recession: No one can have any fun of any kind ever.

Another woman was upset about the courtside presidential beer. “The president is the president 24 hours a day. I don’t think he should drink on the job.”

Really? The man is going to be pres for at least four years. Does that mean he can’t sleep on the job, poo on the job and have relations with the first lady on the job? Whatever people, the days of prohibition and alcoholic presidents are way over. Let the man enjoy a nine dollar bud light like the rest of us.

So I was checking out CNN.com earlier today and there was a headline that caught my eye. (Isn’t that what headlines are supposed to do? Catch your eye? Well this one worked.) All it said was: Michael Jackson to make an announcement. Well, now THAT is specific.

I clicked on the link because I had to know how there was a story behind this. How could it be more than just a headline, just a sentence, just a sentence fragment, even? Are there paragraphs involved? Was a fact-checker involved? Did it have to be rewritten more than once?

Turns out that news about upcoming news is actually news, involving eight paragraphs, albeit, many repeating rumors that Jackson was going to announce concert dates, his first since the big ugly child molestation charge. No surprise, since his financial troubles are well-documented and everyone knows he almost lost Neverland Ranch. (And when was the last time he was even at Neverland Ranch?)

Would you see Michael Jackson in concert if you had a chance? Yeah, I probably would, just to see if he’s still got it despite all the controversy and his increasing crazypantsness. And with the hope that he would focus on the awesome songs from Thriller and Bad maybe some old songs from the Jackson 5 days, and did not perform “Man in the Mirror,” because, shut up, Michael Jackson. But the chance to hear “Billie Jean,” “Pretty Young Thing,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Dirty Diana,” well hell yeah, I’d go and buy the t-shirt too!

So kind of like my bat mitzvah, my 18th birthday party and the night I lost my virginity all rolled into one, Drew Barrymore’s birthday party this past weekend was bits of awesome and bits of horrendous. Drew celebrated in Vegas at The Palazzo casino with a group of pals including Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig. Ok, big time awesomeness there. Especially awesome if Kristen had some doll hands with her.

“When they arrived, the group strolled through The Palazzo casino singing and dancing to old-school jams on her book box while walking up to their suites,” says a source. Ok, now that sounds pretty douchey, especially if they were wearing their hair in ponytails off to the side sporting sunglasses that look like Venetian blinds.

The party raged in the luxurious 3000 square-foot 2-bedroom Penthouse Suite where Drew promptly changed into a short black sequined backless frock while Page stuck to jeans. Ok, hot and well, yah we haven’t seen Ellen in much besides jeans (at least we haven’t seen her looking comfortable in anything but that.)

After a dinner at LAVO, the group found their way to the restaurant’s outdoor hookah patio where and then back to the room for a party. That sounds fun. We wish we could get some more details about Drew and Ellen. Unfortunately, we couldn’t but we did dig up that Drew and Ellen are pretty close and that, they were standing “arm in arm” at a Cat Power show at Avalon Hollywood on Feb. 10, “Drew rested her head on Ellen’s shoulder and rubbed her nose on her neck,” an onlooker says. Oh we like that, not that we’re having impure thoughts about those two but it’s a much better thought than anything the L Word has barfed up lately.

Charles Barkley is going to jail! Are you stunned? I am not stunned. And it was for a truly stupid reason. I mean, anyone arrested for DUI is stupid. No, anyone driving under the influence is stupid, even if they don’t get caught. But not only was Mr. Barkley stupid for driving drunk, he was driving drunk for a dumb-ass reason: he was in a hurry to get a blow job. A blow job! Mr. Barkley, you are not a virginal 15-year-old boy! There is no reason to be so desperate!

And I am guessing after all this stupidity, Mr. Barkley ended up at home alone and unsatisfied that night. Smarten up, Mr. Barkley! You can only ride on your athletic fame so long, and then you are just another overweight washed up sports star who did something truly dumb and ended up in jail.

Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have announced that they are expecting their second child.

I have to say, I am a little worried. I don’t think Nicole has lost the baby weight from her last pregnancy.

So the evening of the gay superbowl is upon us - The Oscars. Once again, I pledged to see all the films nominated for best picture and managed to see a whooping one. So now we’re sitting here laptop in hand waiting for something (anything!) interesting to happen.

-Consensus from around the room is that the opening number is dumb. Really dumb.

-We realize watching this in high-def isn’t the best ideas since we can see spit bubbles building up in the corner of Hugh Jackman’s mouth. Gross.

-My friend Holli wants to know if Goldie Hawn won an Oscar for Overboard. Actually, Goldie is out to prove that her breasts are still relevant.

-Tina Fey! Tina Fey! We thought this night would be without you Tina Fey since those academy bastards didn’t nominate Baby Mama for anything but at least they wised up and had you on this broadcast.

-Jennifer Aniston is trying hard not to give Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie the stink-eye. Opps

-Sarah Jessica Parker brought her golden globes to the Oscars. How awkward.

-Anthony Dod Mantle has Slumdog 90s hair.

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So Katy Perry packed up her one hit and traveled overseas to the Brit Awards where she was the winner of the “Best International Female” honor. But the excitement must have been a little too much for her because supposedly right after walking offstage with her little British statue, she puked her annoying American guts. I wonder what happened? Did she hear her own song AGAIN? Did she have yet another annoying interviewer ask to kiss her? Did she read on the gossip columns that the internets think she is dating Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds? Or was she just doing what ever she could to stretch her 15 annoying minutes of fame out a little bit longer? Yes, I admit that “I Kissed a Girl” was catchy, for about five minutes, but I have since deleted it from my iPod and wouldn’t mind if I never heard it again.

Pamela Anderson is a big freakin’ mess. I can’t even say hot mess, because while she was probably once considered hot, she isn’t anymore, and my best comparison is to a plate of spicy nachos that has been sitting on the coffee table too long …… lukewarm, crusty, hardened, and with some random cat hair stuck to it.

I know she didn’t necessarily pick this outfit, because this is part of some Richie Rich fashion show, or wait, I mean “fashion show,” because I see no actual believable fashion here. But then again, I have seen some crazy-ass shit churned out on Project Runway and on the red carpet at the Academy Awards, so what the hell do I know about fashion? But I do know a mess when I see one, and Pamela Anderson, I see you!

Oh good lord, who didn’t see this one coming? The New York Post is reporting that Amy Fisher is hitting the pole. If you weren’t paying much attention to anything in 1992, Amy is also known as the “Long Island Lolita” who went to prison for shooting her gross auto mechanic boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head.

Capitalizing on her slutastic self, Amy has recently started a porn Web site featuring her 34 year old lady lumps, and- plans to tour the country as a high-paid stripper. Sez Amy, “I love to dance, and I’m an exhibitionist. I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, ‘Dear, please put your clothes back on. You’re too old.’ ”

Uh, I think everyone is saying that right now. When I first heard about this, I thought about all those awesome made for TV movies that came out around the time of the trial. It seemed every network and not just FOX felt the need to create a dramatic reenactment of these Long Island Hoosier’s stories.

I don’t think I watched one all the way through since I was too busy fermenting fruit in grain alcohol and Hawiian Punch in my dorm room at the time, but I do remember Saturday Night Live doing an awesome parody of the whole thing. Throughout the show, SNL showed how different networks would depict the story. I remember one had Tori Spelling as Amy Fisher with Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco. But the very best one of the night was B.E.T’s version called Amy Fisher: One Messed up Bitch. Check it below, Chris Rock makes and awesome Mary Jo (I have no idea why whoever posted this on you tube felt the need to tack on a Knots Landing ad but whatevs). btw, I couldn’t embed, so click the image to see it.