Trashy Celebs

So we’re always wondering what our dog Muriel is thinking. Sure we occasionally let her lose on Trashy Celebs but it’s usually to comment on animal related issues like the Michael Vick Trial or The Westminster Dog show. Today was a slow news day at least in terms of celebs doing nasty, nasty things (at least by our standards) so we decided to prob Muriel’s past. First we sat her down to her favorite meal of Basil spice thai chicken and a bottle of Jameson whiskey and went ahead with our prob.

Trashy Celebs: So Muriel, we know you come from a farm in Virginia but we really don’t know a whole lot about your past.

Muriel: I AM IN FACT FROM A FARM IN VIRGINIA BUT MY FAMILY ROOTS GO MUCH DEEPER THAN A MODEST AGRICULTURAL BACK GROUND.

TC: Really, we always assumed your mom and dad both enjoyed a fragrant feast of kitty turds.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL. IN FACT MY GREAT, GREAT GRANDMOTHER ENJOYED QUITE A TURN AS A HOLLYWOOD LEADING LADY.

TC: Oh Muriel, I’m not so sure we believe you on that one. I think you’re just trying to get a heaping mound of Snasauges.

Muriel: THAT IS NOT THE CASE OWNER AMY. HERE I HAVE FOUND A YOUTUBE CLIP OF GREAT GRANDMA THE PUG MURGATROYD (AKA QUEENIE) IN HER FIRST STARING ROLE. AND DONUT JUDGE ME. GREAT GRANDMA MURGATROYD DID FALL VICTIM TO THE HOLLYWOOD CASTING COUCH.

TC: Ok, let’s take a look

TC: Ok, wow that is disturbing.

Muriel: YES SHE COULD PUT IT AWAY WITH THE BEST OF THEM. FUNNY STORY, IN THE END SHE MARRIED THAT LUSH BULLDOG PASSED OUT IN THE PLAID CAP.

TC: Dammit! I knew you weren’t a purebred. No wonder you were cheap.

Seriously, I’m worried.

Could someone get her a sandwich? And some shampoo? And possibly a tetanus shot? But mostly the sandwich because look at the poor skinny girl trying to eat a microphone:

Maybe bring her a nice healthy salad as well or maybe an apple or some edamame. And a glass of milk. And a bowl of soup. And some potato chips because I have a feeling she needs the salt. Then get her to take a nice hot shower and bundle up on a big fluffy robe and eat some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then take a nice long nap.

OH NO! WE ARE TOO LATE!

Juliette Lewis

So yeah, Clay Aiken was bringing D-Baggin’ back as he signed copies of his new CD On My Way Here. Actually Aiken was signing all CD’s bought at Virgin. Here’s your new Dokken album, sorry it got Aiken all over it.

But in other Aiken news, if you want to tell your mom just how much you love her and are thankful for raising you right with minimal amounts of domestic violence you can send her a personalized greeting from the straight-iron beauty himself. Go to http://www.clayaiken.com/mothersday/ and share the love.

I’m totally sending this to Lori’s mom (Hi Jane) not that I hate her or anything, she’s actually a great lady. But I feel compelled to send this to some mother on mom’s day. I mean I’ve already sent it to like 12 of my friends but that just didn’t give me the special feeling of sending it to an actual mom will deliver. Plus, if I sent it to my own mother she wouldn’t get it until I came to visit since she doesn’t know how to check her email. Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day. Love you!

If Scientology is really all flippin’ that and a bag of potato chips, if it really can cure depression just using vitamins and allow for silent childbirth, if it really is the it-religion of choice amongst all the cool kids in Hollywood, then why can’t it allow for Tom Cruise to grow a couple more inches so that he is at least as tall as wife Katie Holmes, if not a little smidge taller?

What is with Tom and the tall women? And why do I notice it in particular with Katie Holmes? I’m sure she is not as tall as Nicole Kidman but I don’t remember it being so jarring to me in pictures of Cruise and Kidman. Maybe because Kidman is closer to Cruise’s age. I mean Cruise and Holmes are no Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel, but there is a not-insignificant age difference there and maybe I just find it jarring that she is so much younger, yet also taller than her husband. (That and I still find it a little creepy that he had her knocked up just three months into their relationship.)

So I guess we’ve found something that Scientology can’t do …. make Tom Cruise taller than his wives. Hey, I guess no religion popular with celebrities is perfect.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Scientology

Holy Crap! I had no idea idea just how much money is involved with being a child star and Disney tween-audience robot these days! Apparently Miley Cyrus is officially the richest child in the world due to the success of her Disney television show Hannah Montana. And according to People she will be worth one billion real live American dollars by the time she is 18 in three years. That’s a lot of double cheeseburgers off the McDonald’s Value Menu, people!

So Miley needs to tell all those people giving her a hard time about the Vanity Fair photos to suck it long and suck it hard because pretty soon she’s gonna own everything, including The Disney Channel, all media publications, a house in every state (two in Montana), five school buses, a restaurant, 100 flat screen televisions, a professional baseball team, a herd of pugs, a pony, and your lawn mower. No more achy breaky hearts in the Cyrus family!

Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus

Hard to believe, but it’s been 30 years since the first piece of shit email, better known as Spam was sent out. To celebrate the occasion, Spam treated itself to a day at the races partying it up at the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. Appearing on the red carpet already wasted on Mint Juleps, Spam was quick to remind guests what a D-Bag it really is.

“Yo, Yo Hef-Baby!” Spam shouted at Hugh Hefner who appeared with a gaggle of girlfriends. “Hef I’ll turn your old pruney dick into a revived large love tool! Just click here and I’ll hook you up!” blathered Spam pointed at its nether regions.

Unfortunately, the crass Spam had only gotten started.

A little Spam history if you’re unfamiliar with it. The first recognizable email marketing message was sent on May 3rd 1978 to 400 people on behalf of DEC—a now-defunct computer-maker. The message was sent via Arpanet—the internet but on a black screen with green type and no LOL Cats. Now billions of spam messages are sent every week hyping everything from boner pills to flat screen TV’s to scams trying to get people to send money over seas.

“Fatone, Wasssup? Joey Fatone,” blurted Spam. “I can get you .50 per pill %RND_WORD!”

“Word?” said the dopey Fatone. “Word!” said Spam and you’ll enjoy our super summer discounts and be able to eat smaller meals.”

“Fo’ Reals?” Fatone replied. “Real Fast,” said Spam “Urgentemente! Aviso de seguridad!” Luckily at this point J-Fats busty date pulled him away before the checkbook came out. Unfortunately others weren’t as lucky. Spam managed to convince Hills (actor?) Spencer Pratt to leave Heidi Montag and watch “STEAMY HOT LESBIAN ACTION LIVE ON CAMERA!”

Relic Joe Piscopo was enticed to go for a “F R E E* 30 Second Pre-Qualification MORTGAGE Application.” And the saddest case of all was when past his due-date American Idol winner Taylor Hicks had his ID stolen when Spam lured him into submission by saying that he’d been “sent an Insta-Kiss!”

It was at this point that Derby officials deleted Spam’s VIP access card and banished it to the infield where it spent the day doing beer bongs and convincing drunk masses to buy property in Ecuador.

Madonna, Justin Timberlake.

Kate Winslet, Madonna, Justin Timberlake

So, yeah, it must really suck to be the sibling of somebody famous. I mean in some cases they might give you jobs and stuff but in some cases they just leave you to ROT IN JAIL just because you made a little mistake and fired four shots at your live-in boyfriend at 4AM on morning.

WAHLBERGS’ SISTER STILL WAITING FOR BROTHERS TO BAIL HER OUT OF JAIL

The sister of Hollywood stars Mark and Donnie Wahlberg is in jail on gun charges after firing four shots at her boyfriend - and claims her wealthy siblings have ignored her pleas to help her make bail.

“I cry myself to sleep every night thinking, ‘How can my brothers let me rot here in jail?’” Florida waitress Michealle Wahlberg, 46, told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview.

“They’re millionaires who could free me in an instant, but all I’ve heard is silence.”

Michealle admits she beat a crack addiction nine years ago, but insists she was only drinking wine before she allegedly fired four bullets from a .45 Glock pistol at her live-in boyfriend, construction superintendent Lonnie Johnson, at 4 a.m. on April 13.

While she claims she never intended to hit Lonnie, a Melbourne, Fla., Police Department report obtained by The ENQUIRER tells a different story.

“The defendant intentionally and unlawfully threatened [Lonnie] by retrieving a handgun from the house… and pointed it at [him],” Officer Nicholas Faria wrote in the report.

I can’t believe the insensitivity of Donnie and Mark Wahlberg who won’t even bail their drunk-ass sister out of jail for shooting at her boyfriend four times. C’mon guys! She never meant for those bullets to hit him! And she is totally off the crack and just drinks wine now! What a couple of hard-asses.

I do think Sister Wahlberg is wrong about one thing though. There is no way Donnie Wahlberg has “millions of dollars,” because if he did there is no way he would be doing this punk-ass New Kids on the Block reunion tour. That sounds like his own personal jail to me. What do you want to bet that Marky Mark doesn’t return his calls either?

Sister Wahlberg should totally call up Billy Baldwin, Eric Roberts, and Rebbie Jackson. They could start their own support group or something: Siblings of Rich Ass Famous People Who Won’t Return Our Calls.

Mark Wahlberg, Donnie Wahlberg, New Kids on the Block

Ha! You thought from that headline that CSI hottie Gary Dourdan was busted soliciting an undercover police officer in a public restroom, didn’t you? Admit it, that was your first thought. It’s okay.

That wasn’t the case, but like Mr. Michael, Mr. Dourdan was found asleep in the driver’s side of his car, which was parked on the wrong side of the street and the officer who found him stated that he appeared disoriented and under the influence of something. Like most people, I think, would are found sleeping in their cars parked on the wrong side of the street. Also found in the car: cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, prescription drugs, and drug paraphernalia. EPIC FAIL.

I haven’t watched much CSI but I’m pretty sure that Dourdan’s character on the show had an addiction — I believe to gambling. A little CSI-rony at work!

CSI, Gary Dourdan, George Michael

If you like jokes about gays, Asians, Project Runway and lots and lots of sex then you would have had a blast with us seeing Margaret Cho in Chicago this weekend. She’s not coming to too many more places but we highly encourage you to go see her if she’s coming anywhere remotely near you (we’re talking to you Anchorage!). We were slightly hesitant to see her this time around, as her last outing, Assassin was a bit political and preachy. But we’re happy to report that girl is back to her old form and is quite possibly dirtier than ever.

We really can’t repeat most of her jokes here….well we could but we’d probably butcher them and make them a lot less funny (plus Lori’s mom reads this site sometimes - Hi Jane!). In lieu of that we take no responsibility for things we find on you tube. And hmm, hmm, what’s this? Oh it just happens to be a little song Cho ended the show with. Enjoy!

Wow, it’s only Monday and we’ve already hit a big shut the F word wash your mouth out with soap moment. As you probably know by now, there’s a huge stink going around because Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana showed a little back for Vanity Fair. Here’s the pic.

source
Ok, not the usual pic we’d see of a 15 year-old, but it’s a lot better than some of the hoochie mama stuff I’ve seen girls wearing at the mall. Plus, freaking Annie Leibovitz shot it. I really don’t think she’d be pulling a Vanessa Hudgens on lil’ Ms. Billy Ray.

According to The Guardian UK when asked about the shot Cyrus said “No, I mean I had a big blanket on. And I thought, this looks pretty and really natural. I think it’s really artsy.” It was only after the pictures were released and some conservative morality crusaders lost their mind did she change her tune. Upon seeing them she said, “I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for this to happen and I apologise to my fans.”

And please don’t burn my CD’s in protest, she added.

Rick Ankiel.

Kate Winslet, Rick Ankiel

Is it just me or is Saturday Night Live and Baby Mama star Amy Poehler looking a little knocked up here in this red-carpet picture from the the premiere of …. Baby Mama. Is that irony or just Alanis Morrissette irony?

Never mind. I do know that Amy Poehler isn’t actually all that well known for her fashion sense but that dress just makes me think two things: baggy and covering a pregnancy belly. Could it be that while playing the role of a surrogate for a woman who can’ get pregnant, she got herself all knocked up. Taking the role pretty seriously! I wonder if Tina Fey MADE her do that so she’d get into the role more. Wow, that Tina Fey is one tough-ass boss!

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Baby Mama

I’m guessing that Wesley Snipes isn’t high-kickin’ much these days now that the Internal Revenue Service has caught up with him and is putting the Snipe-down on him. Snipes, star of the Blade movies, White Men Can’t Jump and one of my personal favorites To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

Apparently Wes didn’t file tax returns for several years. Prosecutors claim he didn’t file from 1999 to 2004 and apparently jurors found that he didn’t file 1999 to 2001. How can jurors make that decision? It seems pretty straightforward! Either he filed or he didn’t and the IRS would now that? How does this even go to trial?

My inability to comprehend the American tax system aside, Snipes has been sentenced to three years in the poky. He didn’t file because of some bullshit reason about the IRS not being a “properly established public agency” and some crap out being a “stateless person.” It seems that when it comes to communications with the IRS, Snipes channeled his character in Wong Foo, Noxema Jackson: “Approval neither desired or required!”

Wesley Snipes, IRS

Last night in Hollywood a bunch of people who I don’t care about went to a bar I never heard of and were apparently seen being cool. Oh and Kanye West was there, I’ve heard of him. West was at a place called Goa last night at the afer party celebrating his Glow in the Dark tour. Absolut 100 sponsored the party. Hey I drink that, well not the 100 but I do drink Absolut Vanilla, it’s tasty with ginger ale.

Anyway attending the party were some people who are on the Hills, Lauren Conrad and Brody Jenner (I think that show is on MTV). Along for the ride were former Laguna Beach alums Kristin Cavallari and Jason Wahler (I just read that I have no idea who they are and I think Laguna Beach was the theme of my high school prom. Pikesville Class of ‘92 Shout Out!)

Oh and ubiquitous Paris Hilton was there but she attended the opening of our cat’s new litter box so that doesn’t surprise me. Anyway of all the images I found from this event (and there were many) this was the most dochey. Here we see Benji Madden and Paris Hilton, I guess they’re dating or something.

What makes this extra douche-tastic is the fact that there’s not one, not two, not three but five photos of him pointing at her like this. I would post them all but I’m too lazy, trust me on this.

Oh and I did find someone I recognized. Scott Porter was also there. He’s on Friday Night Lights and that show is pretty damn good. Although he still looks like he’s dropping some major D-Bag vibe in this shot.

Must be the fact that he got too close to Wilmer Valderrama.

DDDOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHHHEEEE!